May 21, 2013
A Satire: Serving the Nation, Republican-Style
Posted on Aug 8, 2011
Rep. Cantor stressed that his bill would clearly demonstrate the superiority of private-sector job creation over the “big-government” variety favored by Democrats. “Unlike the Democrats, we will offer young people not only a job but a career path,” the congressman said. “An ambitious, hardworking and obedient young man, for example, can work himself up from pool boy to houseboy, to footman, to valet and even, if he has the drive, to a head butler in charge of both upstairs and below-stairs servants. Young women will be able to dream of one day moving upstairs from the kitchen to the higher-status and better-paid job of scrubbing the back and combing the hair of the mistress of the house. Young Americans will no longer need to fear living in their cars or searching for food in trash bins.”
When challenged by a reporter as to whether his tax credits would expand the deficit, Cantor chuckled indulgently. “I don’t know anyone who believes that hoary liberal chestnut anymore,” he said. “Everyone knows that incentives for the most productive members of our society only reduce the deficit. As Paul Ryan and I clearly explained in our book, ‘Young Guns: A New Generation of Conservative Leaders,’ the only thing that expands the federal deficit is spending on the unproductive—welfare mothers, the unemployed, seniors, the poor, veterans, the handicapped. Are you from The New York Times by any chance?” he asked playfully.
A David Brooks column in The New York Times today praised Cantor for his “farsighted” and “ingenious” bill. “America’s elites have vastly increased their wealth due to a combination of the Bush tax cuts, financial deregulation, corporate subsidies and enormous pay increases voted by those they appoint to their corporate boards,” the columnist wrote. “As they now buy more mansions, yachts and travel more widely, their need for servants is exploding, and this legislation brilliantly addresses that need.” Brooks also noted that this bill “tracks” with recent breakthrough studies in cognitive science. “Unlike Third World servants attending inferior schools, servants educated in U.S. elementary schools—still the best in the world—display far more cerebral cortex development. Brighter nursemaids and nannies, more jobs for our youth, satisfied employers—it’s a real home run!”
Cantor was also challenged by a reporter as to why he wishes to give tax breaks to wealthy people, who can presumably afford to hire their own servants. “Anyone who understands the free market knows that increased demand creates increased supply,” he patiently explained. “The tax credits in our bill will encourage employers to hire young native-born Americans, who will cost 50 to 75 percent less than illegal or even legal immigrants, and even to pay them something above the minimum wage.”
The Cantor bill would also allow for a historic innovation: a 75 percent tax credit to employers who lease servants from a third party. “This business model has proved phenomenally successful in the auto industry,” the Virginia representative said. “Just as you are supplied with a car when your leased auto needs repairs, this bill will allow employers to immediately receive a trained replacement if a leased servant quits, is fired or, particularly, becomes ill.” He explained that absence due to sickness poses a real problem for employers, because their servants will be unable to afford health insurance and will face long waits at Medicaid facilities that have had to reduce services because of the deficit crisis caused by big government.
Cantor added that “this bill is based upon the extensive system of household service in 18th and 19th century Great Britain. Just as joining the servant class once provided a respectable way for countless peasants to join the lower middle class in Great Britain, our bill offers the only real hope for the majority of today’s young people to find meaningful lower- and even middle-class work. But although the British system worked well overall, our research has indicated a number of inefficiencies in a system where each servant contracted directly with his or her employer.
“We discovered, for example, that it was common for English lords, their sons, other relatives or friends to impregnate young female house servants, who were then fired by the men’s wives when their state became noticeable,” Cantor continued. “These young women were then often forced to become prostitutes or engage in other degrading professions to feed their infants.”
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