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Somali Pirates Say They Are Subsidiary of Goldman Sachs

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Posted on May 2, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

NORFOLK, Va.—Eleven indicted Somali pirates dropped a bombshell in a U.S. court today, revealing that their entire piracy operation is a subsidiary of banking giant Goldman Sachs.

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom when the leader of the pirates announced, “We are doing God’s work. We work for Lloyd Blankfein.” The pirate, who said he earned a bonus of $48 million in doubloons last year, elaborated on the nature of the Somalis’ work for Goldman, explaining that the pirates forcibly attacked ships that Goldman had already shorted.

“We were functioning as investment bankers, only every day was casual Friday,” the pirate said. The pirate acknowledged that they merged their operations with Goldman in late 2008 to take advantage of the more relaxed regulations governing bankers as opposed to pirates, “plus to get our share of the bailout money.”

In the aftermath of the shocking revelations, government prosecutors were scrambling to see if they still had a case against the Somali pirates, who would now be treated as bankers in the eyes of the law. “There are lots of laws that could bring these guys down if they were, in fact, pirates,” one government source said. “But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.”


Goldman to Employ ‘Douchebag Defense’

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NEW YORK—In the event of a criminal case against the banking giant, Goldman Sachs is planning to employ a rarely used legal strategy known as the “douchebag defense,” sources confirmed today.

Davis Logsdon, dean of the University of Minnesota School of Law, summarized the unorthodox strategy: “Basically, they will be arguing that the Goldman executives had no control over their actions because they are ginormous dicks.”

“Exhibit A” if the bank decides to go forward with the douchebag defense will be Goldman banker Fabrice “Fabulous Fab” Tourre. “I think the government would have a hard time arguing that he was not an egregious douche,” Logsdon said.

In order to establish Tourre’s douchebag bona fides, Goldman’s lawyers would most likely offer up his e-mails, his Facebook profile and several of his ex-girlfriends. Jury selection could also be key to the success of Goldman’s douchebag defense strategy. “Goldman’s dream jury would be made up of 12 angry dickwads,” Logsdon said. “In New York, that shouldn’t be hard to find.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate


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By tedmurphy41, May 5, 2010 at 8:47 am Link to this comment

This is great!
I’ve just writing out my own submission for some of this money. What are my chances?

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Leefeller's avatar

By Leefeller, May 3, 2010 at 1:58 am Link to this comment

It is most unfortunate, but someone has to do Gods work,
the Pope isn’t doing it!

You know the ‘Douchebag Defense’ could work very well, I
am wondering why Madeoff didn’t use it?

Now with all you can eat Buffet, the standup billionaire
guy supporting Goldman slacks, just maybe the Douchebag
Defense will not be necessary?

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MarthaA's avatar

By MarthaA, May 2, 2010 at 10:10 pm Link to this comment

“But if they’re bankers, our hands are tied.”

I certainly hope this part of the fake news doesn’t come true, because all their ill gotten gain needs to be paid back to the government and their larceny against the populace of the United States must be worked out in court before a judge other than their preset Conservative Republican judges that the courts have been salted with to insure the Banksters get away with their larceny without even a pat on the wrist.

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By dreamnoffreedom, May 2, 2010 at 10:06 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

David Rockefeller thanked the media, ABC, CBS, NBC, NY times, Washington Post, Time magazine & other ‘great” publishers & media for knowing all along what was going on & keeping their “discretion” for FORTY YEARS in 1991: stating that they “never could have gotten away with it if the LIGHTS of publicity had been SHOWN on their TRUE ACTIONS; chronological of the “new” world order; which THIS nation’s Gov spoke of b/4 the END of ww11; (Blunder)book;
THIS of course is totally illegal as it was what HITLER did so the PEOPLE over 1/2 of Germany had NO INKLING of the atrocities committed by their GOV;
  1949: THIS nation’s Gov BRIBED the Chinese Gov: and there WAS no “culture revolution” at all; it is CALLED the ‘people’s republic of DEMOCRATIC DICTATORSHIP of CHINA; IDENTIFYING THEMSELVES (the so called “democratic” of USA: as a DICTATORSHIP.
SAME Corps were used THERE as are HERE; they simply carried out Hitler’s agenda: tho David Rockefeller stated it was a “better” world ran by BANKERS and so called “intellectual elites”;
Day of Deceit: outlines all congressional records showing THIS nation set up the attack on Pearl Harbor; they raced not to STOP Hitler but to SAVE him & many of his merry men.
The ACTIONS of this Gov have made the WORST atrocities of the Nazi’s look like a Sunday school kindergarten picnic.
It is a ONE party system absolutely UNITED in targeting and harming FIRST the PEOPLE of the USA; and now on to GLOBALLY.
It RUNS from FED, to STATE, to COUNTY, to CITY: and the judicial branch including the military & the so called “highest” court in the land has gone right along with it.
They set up and PAID folks to create the “piracy” so they could “justify” via the MEDIA “Obama!!!: come and SAVE us!!! and they are using HUMAN SMUGGLING, KIDNAPPING and FORCING even CHILDREN from other NATIONS to FIGHT for THIS corrupt system in Somalia, Yemen,: there ARE no “drug cartels” in Mexico or Colombia; but they are definitely fighting THERE as well.
Bin laden WORKED for the USA: to set up “training” camps for “terrorists”: called Al Queida. Hussain was TRAINED at the School of the Americas located in GEORGIA at a US military site.
Pakistan was paid $1b to “set up and create” and TRAIN a TALIBAN; so they could then IF they could take IT, go on to SE Asia.
Watching Rove say yes yes yes! we are taking this system EVERYWHERE you would KNOW that it is indeed exactly the plan of the Nazi’s; (on Charlie Rose)

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By gerard, May 2, 2010 at 9:11 pm Link to this comment

Some Ally Pirates are looking for recruits for dangerous duty along the Arizona Border, transporting ill legal aliens over, across, above and through the wall to deposit them at safe houses in Los Angeles where they will be sold into slavery to the lowest bidders.  Agricultural and construction firms should apply for workers online at Slave Labor.com.  Employers must promise to pay less than minimum wage.  No health care, please.

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By rollzone, May 2, 2010 at 5:37 pm Link to this comment

hello. all along i thought the Somali pirates were a nonprofit community organization, trying to purchase bundles of prime foreclosures from the Fed. i was way off base. i read yesterday they are farmed-out gangs from Mexico, that keep losing product at the border. they are put on a boat and allowed to go away. the tide took them to Somalia. i had no idea they put unsuccessful money launderers aboard as well. this globalist banking is so complicated. obviously they can not kill someone worth millions of dubloons. house arrest in a penthouse. that’ll teach him! arrrrr…

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