Can’t Have a Decent Apocalypse Without a Full Cast

Posted on Apr 18, 2010

Satire by Andy Borowitz

MINNEAPOLIS—Making a joint appearance at a tea party rally in Minneapolis, former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin and Rep. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota put out a cryptic call for “two more horsemen” to join their movement.

“Michele and me, that’s two horsemen right there,” Palin told the exuberant crowd. “You add two more horsemen into the mix, and we’ll be good to go.” While the two politicians were cagey about what the duties of the aforementioned horsemen would be, Bachmann said, “You can bet it will be a mission to end all missions.”

According to a source close to the two, they have already drawn up a list of possible candidates for the additional two horsemen, a list which includes Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, Ann Coulter and the entire Cheney family. “It’s a long list,” the source said. “If you add up everyone on the list, the number you get is 666.”

The tea party rally featuring Palin and Bachmann received wide coverage, including in the collected works of Nostradamus and the prophecies of ancient Mayans.

Volcanic Ash Cloud Turns Out to Be Finale of ‘Lost’

ICELAND—A gigantic ash cloud from an Icelandic volcano that blanketed Northern Europe on Thursday and paralyzed air travel across the continent has turned out to be part of the finale of the television series “Lost,” network officials confirmed today.

Bracing themselves for the public uproar over a special-effects spectacle gone awry, ABC officials attempted to explain how the producers’ desire for a fitting ending to the increasingly convoluted series led to an aviation nightmare. “The producers of ‘Lost’ set off a small explosive charge underneath the Eyjafjallajokull glacier in Iceland, hoping to create a cloud of black smoke,” said ABC spokesperson Carol Foyler. “That was pretty much the only way they could think of to end the series.”

After the gigantic cloud of volcanic ash threatened aircraft for miles around, “it was clear that this time they went a little too far,” she said. But even as ABC was taking great pains to explain how the “Lost” finale ended in a volcanic eruption that cost European airlines billions of dollars, longtime “Lost” fanatics were doubting the network’s story.

Tracy Klugian, 27, a Web designer from Evanston, Ill., who has seen every episode of the confusing series at least eight times, doesn’t believe that the gigantic ash cloud could possibly be the end of the series: “For one thing, it makes too much sense.” Klugian said he was spending all his free time looking for alternative explanations: “I even checked out if Eyjafjallajokull’spelled backward means anything. It doesn’t.”

In other entertainment news, Larry King’s wife filed for divorce after catching him sending sexy messages on his telegraph key.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate

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