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Reports

New Hillary Software Lets Voters Customize Her Positions

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Posted on Apr 2, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

Crisscrossing the nation in her quest for the 2008 Democratic nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-N.Y., today unveiled new state-of-the-art software that will enable voters to customize her positions on a host of issues.

Dubbed “Hillary 8.0,” the software will be handed out free at all of Sen. Clinton’s campaign rallies and could provide the technological advantage she needs to sew up her party’s nod.

At a rally in Chicago, campaign workers handed out the software disks to supporters while Sen. Clinton told the crowd, “Hillary 8.0 means victory for Hillary in ’08.”

The New York senator told her supporters that the new software “will make me the very best Hillary you want me to be, whatever that happens to be.”

The software, compatible for both Mac and PC users, allows potential Hillary voters to configure their very own version of Sen. Clinton, choosing from over 57,000 positions on a variety of issues ranging from healthcare to immigration to the war in Iraq.

But according to one early user of the software, Tracy Klujian, 26, Hillary 8.0 is not without technological glitches.

“I tried to download the software and my computer crashed,” Mr. Klujian said. “I didn’t have enough available memory to store all of those positions.”

But according to one campaign aide, even that tech problem could ultimately redound to Sen. Clinton’s advantage: “The average American doesn’t have enough memory, and that’s exactly what Hillary’s counting on.”

Elsewhere, supermodel Naomi Campbell completed her community-service stint as a garbage collector, picking up a cell phone from the street and hurling it at a passing housekeeper.

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By Ernest Canning, April 7, 2007 at 7:35 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Re comment #62768 by Louise.  I guess it wasn’t all that good of a joke if I have to explain it.  I was trying to say since Clinton has come up with a software that would allow voters “to customize” her positions, wouldn’t it be great if we could use the software to literally transform her into a spokesperson for the middle and working class--you know, a “real” democrat--someone who would reverse the outsourcing of America’s manufacturing base as the haves and have mores engage in a never-ending search for cheap foreign labor as what is left of American labor is Wal-Mart-ized--a process that became possible only when Bill Clinton joined with Reagan and Bush I to bring us NAFTA and the WTO.  Right now, there is only one candidate for President who is calling for an end to the NAFTA/WTO boondoggle.  His name is Dennis Kucinich.  The rest of the field, whether they are registered as Republicans or Democrats, are but two sides of the same corporate coin.

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By Louise, April 7, 2007 at 10:54 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I apologize in earnest, Ernest (#62396)

Don’t give up on levity. You’re good at it!
And goodness knows we need more!

I guess I just cant understand why anyone would want to change Clinton in order to support Clinton, when we already have Kucinich.

Maybe I misunderstood. Did you mean if we could get the name recognition and financial backing that Hillary has transferred over to Dennis?
Probably.

Of course we don’t want the KIND of financial backing Hillary has behind Dennis. But we CAN provide the financial backing he needs.
(no strings attached) http://kucinich.us/

The name identification is up to us ...
every day in every way say Kucinich to everyone you talk to.
Then be ready to provide links and information.

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By Ernest Canning, April 5, 2007 at 5:56 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Re #62926 by Louise.  That’s what I get for trying to introduce a bit of levity.  I don’t want Kucinich to turn into Clinton ("another CA-CHING machine").  I want Hillary to think like Dennis.

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By David Macaray, April 5, 2007 at 12:29 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

On a national level, the only thing Hillary Clinton has proven so far is that she is capable of raising money.  Unfortunately, she hasn’t shown much potential as a consensus-builder.  Indeed, all she has to do is walk in a room, and she manages to polarize people.

Will I vote for her if she gets the nomination?  Yes.  Is she my first choice?  No.  Am I sick to death of all this talk about how much money was raised by whom???  Screamingly, yes!

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By lindasutton, April 4, 2007 at 11:42 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

This looks like an article out of The Onion!!!  A design-it-yourself candidate. Unfortunately, she needs a complete make-over starting with Iraq and including repeal of her husband’s gift to the world...NAFTA.

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By joneden, April 4, 2007 at 8:44 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

A Hillary who is continually morphing to the mean positions of her political base.....Sounds Great, but I think I would choose Chuck any old day and I am not a Republican....jon

jon
Connecting the dots: From human behaviors to ecosystem decline
http:StudentsForTheEarth.org

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By David Macaray, April 4, 2007 at 8:34 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

That was a funny bit, Andy . . . as usual.

One of the problems with Hillary is that she attracts lint.  Where Ronald Reagan was the Teflon Man, Hillary can’t so much as think out loud about something without being accused of apostasy and deceit.  All she has proven so far is that she is capable of raising money.

As for flip-flopping or disingenousness, look no further than Dennis Kucinich.  The life-long Polish Catholic, representing an overwhelming Catholic congressional district in Ohio, had been a vehement opponent of abortion until he decided to run for president as a Democrat.

His reversal on abortion was absurd---a harsh critic of it on Tuesday, an avid supporter on Wednesday.  Chris Matthews (himself a Holy Cross alum and Roman Catholic, and anti-abortionist) publicly attacked Kucinich on his TV show.

Again, it’s all in how one is perceived.  If Mit Romney comes away with the Republican nomination, after reversing himself, breathlessly, on 4 or 5 social issues, it will show that principles count for little.  Perception is all.

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By Louise, April 4, 2007 at 7:06 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

“Is there a hacker out there who can insert a virus capable of transforming Hillary Clinton into Dennis Kucinich?”

Huh?

Why on earth would we want to do that?

Dennis Kucinich is the REAL DEAL!

Who needs another CA-CHING MACHINE!

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By Julio, April 3, 2007 at 8:23 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Comment #61872 by Jonas South:
>hundreds of millions around the world suffered the Clinton
>IMF dictates even as we reaped their benefits.

I certainly agree with that!

>Today, it is safe to say that we are hated more for Bill’s
>neo-liberal war on the rest of the world, than for the post 9/11
>neo-con excesses of Bush.

This, however, seems highly questionable to me. On what basis do you say this is “safe to say”? Global polls have shown a huge downward slide in attitudes toward America in just the past few years since the invasion of Iraq.

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By Lyndsey K, April 3, 2007 at 3:34 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I think she would be a great person to lead the global poverty issue in the US whether or not she wins. I hope she addresses global poverty; it would really prove that she does care about what her voters think. Accoring to BorgenProject.org we only spend 0.16% of our budget on poverty reduction. With the hundreds of billions we’ve spent on war with no resolve, some shift in spending and focus to end terrorism and war would be welcomed.

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By Greg Bacon, April 3, 2007 at 2:51 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

If people think King George is terrible--and he is--then wait till Hillary gets her paws on the military.

First thing she’ll do is to prove to the world (and herself) that she’s “tough” on the war on terror and has a pair of balls as big as any man.

She’ll turn the entire Middle East into a free-fire zone.

greg bacon
ava, mo

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By Ernest Canning, April 2, 2007 at 9:23 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Is there a hacker out there who can insert a virus capable of transforming Hillary Clinton into Dennis Kucinich?

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By Jonas South, April 2, 2007 at 8:33 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

If only for the name recognition factor, Hillary benefits from the coat-tails of her husband Bill, but is his cloth so pure? The Bill Clinton economic good times of the nineties corresponded exactly with the neo-liberal beggaring of our neighbors around the world. According to faux Nobel Prize economists and others, hundreds of millions around the world suffered the Clinton IMF dictates even as we reaped their benefits.

Today, it is safe to say that we are hated more for Bill’s neo-liberal war on the rest of the world, than for the post 9/11 neo-con excesses of Bush.

Hillary as President may or may not serve our selfish interests, but it would be a disaster for the world.

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By DennisD, April 2, 2007 at 6:55 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Why not a software upgrade - she’s already an Animatron.

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By ub, April 2, 2007 at 6:07 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

One day too late for April fools, wouldn’tcha say?

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By Hillaryous, April 2, 2007 at 5:01 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Installation of the Hillary software causes your computer to swear trembling allegiance to AIPAC and installs spybots that dial into Mossad’s mainframe articulating all instances of user’s ani-semitism…

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By Jason, April 2, 2007 at 4:09 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

You mean like when Fox declared Bush the winner in 2000 and every other news organization followed like dominos?

Anyways, its a day late for April Fools.

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By anna k, April 2, 2007 at 3:54 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Ending global poverty would top my list of issues for Sen. Clinton to include on her platform by supporting the UN Millenium Development Goals. According to the Borgen Project website, the money spent on the Iraq War is about 5 times the amount it would take to end starvation, provide education for every kid on the planet, provide access to water and sanitation and reverse the spread of Malaria and AIDS.

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By Christopher Robin, April 2, 2007 at 12:31 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

“But according to one campaign aide, even that tech problem could ultimately redound to Sen. Clinton’s advantage: “The average American doesn’t have enough memory, and that’s exactly what Hillary’s counting on.”

Ouch! and HA!  smile

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By Lord B, April 2, 2007 at 11:32 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Cute, but I’m too depressed to laugh knowing Hillary will probably get the Democratic nomination because the media have all but declared her “the front runner” and the American electorate are like sheep waiting for slaughter....

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