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Millions Watch Rich Guy Get New Job

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Posted on Jul 11, 2010

Fake News by Andy Borowitz

GREENWICH, Conn.—Millions of Americans huddled around their televisions Thursday night, transfixed by the spectacle of an incredibly wealthy man getting a new job. In living rooms, bars and restaurants across the country, a record audience gathered to watch the rich guy announce who will be signing his massive new paychecks.

In New York’s Times Square, Tracy Klugian, 27, was one of thousands who braved the blistering temperature to watch the multimillionaire reveal the location of his new employer. “I wouldn’t have missed this for anything,” Klugian said. “For anyone who considers himself a fan of the rich getting richer, this was must-see TV.”

Based on the record ratings for its special featuring the rich guy, ESPN announced that instead of airing NBA games, it would schedule two-hour specials showing the rich guy cashing his ginormous paychecks.

BP Says Oil in Gulf Must Be Changed Every Six Months

GULF OF MEXICO—At a time when many thought that news out of the Gulf of Mexico couldn’t get any worse, BP announced today that the oil in the Gulf needs to be changed every six months. “The oil will need to be changed every six months or every 15,000 lies,” said the BP spokesman. “Whatever comes sooner.”

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The announcement about the oil change came on the heels of BP’s decision earlier in the week to separate the Gulf into two sections, full-serve and self-serve. Sensing that the company was staring down a deepening public relations disaster, BP CEO Tony Hayward attempted to sound a compassionate note: “If this sort of damage were being inflicted on my yacht, I would be devastated.”

According to experts, the BP oil spill is now the second-worst leak in U.S. history, after Michael Steele’s mouth.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate


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By balkas, July 12, 2010 at 7:07 am Link to this comment

Borowitz omits to posit the root cause and all other efects caused by first cause and which become the cause for oil gush, wars, poverty, lies.

When one leaves out causes; and, a fortiory, the salient causes, one is lying as much as BP.

And andy borowitz knows this? Thus solely lamenting [and forever?] and never celebrating!
It seems such writing wins hearts and minds of most people so that they can sleep well leaving to others to watch things.
No, this revolts my mind-body. Andy shld rouse people to action and not put them to sleep or keep’em inactive!
And he gets paid for his piece while it cost me money to write this and incur curses. tnx

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By christian96, July 12, 2010 at 12:53 am Link to this comment

I see where Jesse Jackson got his face back into
the limelight mumbling something about the comments made the Cleveland owner referring to poor Lebron
as a SLAVE.  If being a slave is making millions of
dollars a year then sign me up.  Why doesn’t Jesse
ever have anything to say about the black guys
nailing those white chicks in the ass in porn?  The
poor boys are slaves.

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