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Karzai to Take His Talents to Minneapolis

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Posted on Oct 10, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON—In a three-way swap that may be unprecedented in U.S. history, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is set to become vice president of the United States, Vice President Joe Biden will become president of Afghanistan and Afghan President Hamid Karzai will be traded to the Minnesota Vikings.

President Barack Obama made the stunning announcement at the White House today, using a PowerPoint demonstration to explain a personnel move that still left many scratching their heads. “I am confident that Hillary and Joe are up to speed and ready to go in their new jobs,” he said. “And I expect Karzai to be in shape by midseason.”

When asked whether the complicated swap might confuse voters in advance of the midterm elections, the president said, “I certainly hope so.”

If all goes according to plan, Clinton and Biden will assume their new roles effective immediately, while Karzai is expected to start at wide receiver against the Arizona Cardinals on Nov. 7.

While many in official Washington were trying to make sense of the announcement, former President Bill Clinton gave the three-way swap a thumbs up: “Everything about the phrase ‘three-way swap’ appeals to me.”

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Journalist Bob Woodward, who was privy to the negotiations behind the swap, portrayed Mrs. Clinton and Biden as amenable to their new jobs, with only Karzai dragging his feet: “He was concerned that a football helmet would not fit over his precious hat.” Woodward said he had more inside information about the deal, “but I’m writing about it in a new book, which will be out later this week.”

Reached at the Vikings’ practice facility, Minnesota quarterback Brett Favre said he was “blown away” by the news: “I actually retired this morning, but this changes everything.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate


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By Dr. O. P. Sudrania, October 12, 2010 at 7:21 am Link to this comment

I think it is not a bad idea. In fact Obama may also appoint Hamid Karzai as his new Af/Pak advisor alongwith the Holbrooke Inc. He may be a quite helpful aide with on the spot experience as well as an Afghan, may be more acceptable to the Afghanis as well as Kayani Inc/ISI sect.
God bless
Dr. O. P. Sudrania

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By tedmurphy41, October 11, 2010 at 7:53 am Link to this comment

I would agree with you up to Hamid Karzai; I suggest that he will be offered up to the tender mercies of the Taliban, something that has been long overdue.

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By diamond, October 10, 2010 at 8:54 pm Link to this comment

But the Afghan government is funny as hell anyway. Hamid Karzai is running a Gilbert and Sullivan opera in which all his relatives are the government and the security firms and business leaders and consultants:

Political figures and aides

Ahmed Wail Karzai (brother), Qayum Karzai (brother, owns three Baltimore restaurants), Arif Noorzai (Brother’s Brother-in-law), Malik Querishi (Brother-in-law),Hekmat Karzai (Cousin), Jamil Karzai (Nephew), Haider Karzai (Cousin), Yama Karzai (Nephew, a top official in Afghan intelligence), Haider Hamidi (Family Friend, Mayor of Kandahar), Anwar Hamidi (Family Friend, in charge of hospitality at the Presidential palace in Kabul)

Security and Government Contractors

Hashmat Karzai (Cousin), claims he’s sold his security company. Recently ran for parliament, Ahsan Karzai (Cousin) owner of Altus Supply which handles trucking contracts with the US military in Kandahar, Zabeh Karzai (Cousin, also own Altus Supply), Rateb Popal (Cousin, ownder of Watan Risk Management which provides security and other services, Rashid Popal (Cousin) also own Watan Risk Management.

Business leaders and consultants

Mahmoud Karzai (Brother), a business leader in Kabul who has been accused of insider dealing, Abdul Ahmad Karzai (Brother) Works in Kabul for the Adfghanistan Investment Support Agency, Hashim Karzai (Cousin) A consultant to Pamir Airways in Kabul, Asaad Karzai (Cousin) has done real estate development in Kandahar

Engineers and Scientists

Abdul Wail Karzai (Brother) A biochemistry professor at Stony Brook University,

Shahwall Karzai, (Brother) has an engineering consulting firm. Serves as project manager for a Kandahar real estate development.

In the same article there’s this:

” The Obama administration’s attitude towards the Karzai’s is deeply ambivalent. The White House has sent mixed signals about whether to investigate or tolerate reports of corruption around the President. While federal prosecutors in New York are investigating Mahmoud Karzai’s business dealings, no inquiry had been opened into Ahmed Wail Karzai even though many US officials have said they suspect he benefits from the drug trafficking.”

He certainly does, as do many other members of the Afghan parliament. And this is supposed to be democracy? More like mobocracy, as in Mafia.

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By rollzone, October 10, 2010 at 4:31 pm Link to this comment

hello. Mr. Borowitz has amused without the aid of
cannabis. well done. the details of Ms. Hillary being
planted as mayor of Chicago, and Mr. Biden maintaining
cuss backup position, and girlie communicator smoking a
cigarette while kicking field goals for the Patriots;
are a little askew. the triple switch in unprecedented
fashion has Ms. Palin filling as a substitute while no
in is in control. now there’s someone the big boys like
going toe to toe with. set up another round.

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