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Reports

In New Era of Civility, GOP Says Obama Born ‘Near America’

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Posted on Jan 23, 2011

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON—Ushering in what it is calling “a new era of civility in American political discourse,” the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born “near America.”

“It is no longer acceptable for members of our party to say that the president of the United States was born in Kenya,” wrote Speaker of the House John Boehner, R-Ohio, in a memo sent to all GOP House members entitled: The Official Republican Niceness Pledge. “From now on, we will say that he was born nearish America, and perhaps even as close as Cuba.”

The Boehner memo said that the party would have “zero tolerance” for Republicans who say that Obama “pals around with terrorists,” instructing members to say instead that Obama “friends terrorists on Facebook.” The memo also instructed House members never to call Obama a “socialist,” and instead to use the less politically polarizing term, “sociopath.”

Boehner also warned GOP members of Congress to stop referring to Obama’s health care reform bill as “The Job-Killing Health Care Reform Act,” advising them, “There are many perfectly good synonyms for ‘killing,’ such as ‘strangling,’ ‘terminating,’ ‘annihilating’ and ‘eviscerating.’ ”

In closing, Boehner wrote, “You owe it to your families and constituents back home to conduct yourselves in a civil manner, just as President Obama owes it to his relatives and comrades back in Havana.”

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Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2011 CREATORS SYNDICATE


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LocalHero's avatar

By LocalHero, January 31, 2011 at 7:32 am Link to this comment

Since posters here are actually taking this article seriously, something to ponder.

It does not matter one iota where the Obama The Warmonger was born. The Constitution is meaningless and has been null-and-void since, at least, 1933 and, more likely, 1860. Just as “W” honestly remarked, “The Constitution is just a god-damned piece of paper” (and probably the only honest thing he ever said in 8 long, deadly years).

In fact, that flawed, horrendous document means whatever they say it means. You have no say in it because you aren’t a party to it. Did you sign it? Did one of your blood relatives sign it? Nope. And do you have any say in who the president of Coca-Cola is? Or Raytheon? Or Haliburton? Of course not. You’re not a party to their contract. They chose Obama as the president of the corporation known as The United States of America. Doesn’t matter whatsoever where he was born. Simple as that.

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OzarkMichael's avatar

By OzarkMichael, January 25, 2011 at 1:51 pm Link to this comment

eheheh. ty tdbach.

It isnt a matter of meds, but of glasses. i posted in the wrong forum. apologies.

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By tdbach, January 25, 2011 at 11:32 am Link to this comment

OzarkMichael: This in response to a mob of one, Borowitz’s satirical ditty? No offence, but methinks it’s time to up the meds, old man.

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OzarkMichael's avatar

By OzarkMichael, January 25, 2011 at 1:14 am Link to this comment

This post is directed at “Go Right Young Man”.

Here we are, both of us being called fascists.

I make three assumptions(although all three assumptions could be wrong).

I am going to assume that you are a conservative, that you are an American, and that you are younger than I am.

So you are not a fascist but you are being called one. This has been going on in America for 50 years, and it is happening more and more.

How do we respond to the false charge of fascism?

Before I answer that, lets remember what we want to accomplish. Conservatives want to preserve American freedoms, based on our Constitution and the institutions which support our government, culture and society. We are slow to change these things since we know that they are basically good.

Now understand that our goals do not allow us to respond to violent rhetoric any old way we please. For example, we must not respond to violent mob thinking(such as expressed by Martha/Thomas) by inciting a bigger mob(rhetorically) to stop them. No! If we come down to their level (mob fighting) we are no longer conserving our principles of free speech and democracy, but destroying them. As soon as it becomes a matter of force we have abandoned our principles and then it doesnt matter who wins the fight.

It is better, always better, to face the mob alone. Why? Because alone you have no-one else and nothing else but your principles. Conservatives value independence and the individual, so stand alone as an individual. In that way the mode of conversation reflects the values we hold dear. Practice on the internet, try it in the classroom. You will make mistakes but thats ok. You will get stronger and stronger.

Opposed to the independent conservative individual, the radical Left needs the collective, which means the mob. The bigger it is the more powerful their arguments seem (to them). Imagine what power Martha/Thomas taps into because she can conjure up 216 million(not including toadies!) all in a collective rage against so few conservatives. For her the mob supplies logic and truth.

GRYM, it is bad form to argue that there are more of us than there are of them. Statistically it might be true, but it is not good form. Maybe you can prove it, but that wont do much good. Do not linger there very long. You are edging away from the best ground. 

Stand on principle. Appeal to reason. Appeal to sentiment if you must, but dont appeal to mob tactics, nor use intimidation of numbers, nor threaten to change the law to eliminate political opponents. That is their turf, not ours. They want us on their turf.  Dont go there.

Our choice of tactics should be limited to that which is consonant with the principles we defend. That is a tactical handicap and that is our disadvantage. I think our opponents know it. Part of their game is to get us to act in a way that separates us our own beliefs.

Do you understand me so far? And agree?

My next talk would be about why the Left calls us fascists.  Perhaps you already know these things and dont need to hear it?

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Peter Knopfler's avatar

By Peter Knopfler, January 24, 2011 at 9:29 pm Link to this comment

Nothing matters we can spin it any way you wish,
because America has little unity, they can play
Blacks off hispanic, hispanics of whites and chinese
played off muslims ,everywhere, all fighting for
something different and scattered shattered public
that can not get off their butt and make a
difference. There is no unity and destiny is
procrastination the thief of TIME, and Time is
running out for public making a difference all the
Police state technology is being put in place right
now, scanners and body rapes , you have not seen
anything yet. New ideas how to control the public
from Communist China to corporate dictatorship obama, 
if you do not take out the garbage, rats will come
disease and death comes after! Take the garbage out
America.

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democratz.org's avatar

By democratz.org, January 24, 2011 at 4:50 pm Link to this comment

My message of hope for Liberals and Progressives in America. http://www.hoflink.com/~dbaer/speech1-22-2011.wmv


Protest the companies that give money to conservatives in both parties. These companies fund conservatives and allow conservatives to inflict punishment on the less fortunate so let us hold those companies accountable by boycotting them until we get the legislation we want.

Sign this petition at http://WWW.DEMOCRATZ.ORG if you want to get congress to enact a $10 an hour minimum wage, The Employee Free Choice act, a real prescription drug benefit for Medicare in part B, an End to 2 expensive wars, a single payer government health insurance plan, Tier 5 unemployment benefits extension and the women’s freedom of choice act into law. Post this message on facebook groups, pages and profiles. Thank you.

After you sign this petition Join the the facebook page at

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Sign-this-petition-for-progressive-legislation-at-wwwdemocratzorg/181036078591739

Then you can click on a link called suggest to friends.  Select every friend you have and yes it will send it to every one of your friends you select to invite to the group which will tell them to go to this petition and sign it.

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By rockybutte, January 24, 2011 at 4:29 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Does it matter where Obama was born?  He was born to an
American citizen.  Doesn’t that make him a citizen by
birth?

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By daytrip, January 24, 2011 at 4:12 pm Link to this comment

Patriot:  What “forefathers’ plan” are you referring to? And perhaps you are spending too much time alone in the middle of the night.  Your comment doesn’t seem to have much to do with the fake news article, i.e., “happiness for everyone!”  Not much of that these days, or did you notice?

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OzarkMichael's avatar

By OzarkMichael, January 24, 2011 at 1:46 pm Link to this comment

In response to the article, Lafayette said:

Pathetic Claptrap that shows how ignorant a party the GOP is; one must suppose they think this is making amends?  “Near America”, me arse.

Very indignant but as usual, not very insightful.

Because the article is fake. It even says its ‘fake news’. That means its a joke.

Let me explain it a different way, Lafayette. Fake news means it didnt happen.

Which means you shouldnt ‘quote’ it and make a comment as if the GOP really said it.

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By DB, January 24, 2011 at 12:47 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is so very funny.  I do not identify with Boener any more than Obama, and I really don’t know where Obama was born.  I am waiting to find out though. His legal team has spent several million of our money fighting disclosure.  Just produce the documents, and they can make this go away.  Simple.

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By SoTexGuy, January 24, 2011 at 9:45 am Link to this comment

Boyarsky cracks me up! .. and he’s spot on about the crazies on the right.

But for the record it is entirely possible that at some point some tangible thing will be brought forth that dilutes Obama’s citizenship.

I say this not from any real doubt on my part of the legitimacy of his Presidency!.. but in homage to the reality that there is no limit to the ability of the truly powerful to manufacture a reality of their liking.

Certainly if enough of the right people want to completely destroy Obama, either in real time or to manipulate history, then they will do so.. and it shouldn’t be considered completely outside the realm of possibility that Obama’s citizenship was shall we say, ‘clarified’ by the movement of the right levers in the right places..

I’m not a conspiracy nut! .. but even the most skeptical can see that government, industry and finance comprise huge secretive conspiracies and collaborations spanning many years and administrations.. So while it’s easy to dismiss the ‘birthers’ as being like the UFO chasers.. really, they are not quite so crazy.

Adios!

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RayLan's avatar

By RayLan, January 24, 2011 at 9:29 am Link to this comment

Oh let the idiots rant - a fool is unrecognized until he opens his mouth and leaves no doubt - let them step in it and fully demonstrate their brain freeze.

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Lafayette's avatar

By Lafayette, January 24, 2011 at 1:52 am Link to this comment

Ushering in what it is calling “a new era of civility in American political discourse,” the Republican leadership in Congress said today that from now on it would acknowledge that President Barack Obama was born “near America.”

Pathetic Claptrap that shows how ignorant a party the GOP is; one must suppose they think this is making amends?

“Near America”, me arse.

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skimohawk's avatar

By skimohawk, January 24, 2011 at 12:12 am Link to this comment

is there an “ignore” option on this website?

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By TAO Walker, January 23, 2011 at 11:46 pm Link to this comment

Before “patriot10101” gets too excited about the downfall of the plutoligarchs, it’d be good to keep in mind that Native Peoples here on Turtle Island are way ahead of theamericanpeople in the strength of their ‘claim’ to this Land and all the “property” that’s been ripped from it.  All the treaties with our Ancestors have been violated.  Many of them were the ‘product’ of armed extortion to begin with.

So maybe after the larger malfeasance is put right first, we’ll see what ‘place’ there might be here for some of the latter-day ‘receivers’ of all this stolen Land.  There will be a natural bias toward our erstwhile domesticated Human Relatives who’ve gotten over their “individual” “self,” and coalesced as Natural Persons spontaneously into the Organic Communities that are the Natural Organic Form of our Kind within the Living Arrangement of our Mother Earth.  There’s one hell of a mess to clean-up, too.

All those “Christian generals” will be better employed sorting-out all the blood-feuds among their “Christian” followers….over there in the blood-drenched “Holy Land” where it all got started.

HokaHey!

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