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May 23, 2013
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 Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading EarthPosted on Jun 27, 2010Fake news by Andy Borowitz LONDON—Reversing his recent position on the dangers of an extraterrestrial invasion, eminent theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking said today that the planet is in no such peril anymore because aliens are “no longer interested” in invading Earth. “Assuming that aliens have been monitoring Earth for the past month in preparation for an invasion, they’ve probably figured out it’s no longer worth the trip,” Dr. Hawking said. Speaking at a conference of the International Society of Eminent Theoretical Physicists, Hawking added, “Most extraterrestrials would want to come to Earth to destroy it, and let’s face it, this planet has been pretty much pre-destroyed.” Even if aliens planned to travel to Earth to warn humans against destroying their own planet, Hawking said, “If they showed up now and took a look around, they’d be like, ‘Oops, too late.’ ” The physicist said the rocket fuel that aliens would have to expend to launch an Earth invasion was significant, “and you don’t spend that kind of money to invade a shithole.” In recognition of his role in deterring an alien invasion, Queen Elizabeth II of England today knighted Tony Hayward, the CEO of oil giant BP. In remarks to reporters after the knighting ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Sir Tony said he would be working tirelessly this week to study the impact of the Gulf oil spill on the beaches of the South of France. Advertisement © 2010 Creators Syndicate  TAGS:
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By Shift, June 30, 2010 at 5:40 pm Link to this comment
Stupidity, it’s a disease!
Report thisBy plenum, June 30, 2010 at 9:03 am Link to this comment
Nobody seems to have noticed the author’s note…
Report this“Fake news by Andy Borowitz”
By Mike789, June 30, 2010 at 6:50 am Link to this comment
We were classified as a “Failed Planet” when an ET cautioned Adam and Eve not to eat from the tree of knowledge. Knowledge may well have been granted if an indication of compliance with a Utopian ideal had not been supplanted by an Ego-tripping Ego-freaking humanoid. What a chuckle. LOL
Report thisBy plenum, June 30, 2010 at 5:01 am Link to this comment
Gra4z-dimm cllozthjk2em irrp4ff gfrrapadam74ter dit4de0ániwah.
Report thisBy rollzone, June 29, 2010 at 7:38 pm Link to this comment
hello. goddamn aliens got my first comment. i was documenting their prime directive to mine and refine gold for their sustenance machinery, when Al Gore started whispering in my ear “we are not alone”, and i had to reflect back on the conference. at the end, Dr. Hawking wheeled into a nearby room, where his ride transformed, and after we all saw a flash: we hustled to discover he was gone. gone to another universe to await our destiny, and then return with his friends to collect the gold. bravo Sir Tony: may we all live to emulate so weazely a buffoon, whom gets more money than he can handle, and goes yachting to celebrate his loss. it’s only gold, ... i mean money, it was only petrodollars Sir Tony. well done, Sir. keep it up.
Report thisBy ocjim, June 29, 2010 at 2:16 pm Link to this comment
Osama bin Laden has already lauded Tony and BP for their terrorist work.
Report thisBy Samson, June 29, 2010 at 12:01 am Link to this comment
Dr. Hawking had a hilariously funny line in an online video of a talk he gave.
“We have discovered the origins of the universe. Perhaps we should patent it and charge everyone a royalty for existing.”
The man has the perfect dead-pan voice for delivering such humor.
Report thisBy gerard, June 28, 2010 at 11:56 am Link to this comment
Borowitz intended to be funny. I intended to be funny. Come on, guys! Ho, ho, ha! As kids we used to say when we thought we had pulled off something clever, but nobody responded; “Don’t smile! You might crack your face!”
Report thisBy Bob San Socie, June 28, 2010 at 10:36 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Hey Doc they told me the same thing RIGHT ON!!!! See you in the black hole!
Report thisBy samosamo, June 28, 2010 at 8:42 am Link to this comment
****************
Report thisI really believe that ‘aliens no longer interested in invading earth’
is a cover up of the aliens admitting that even with their
technology to travel interstellar space and extragalactic space
the humans would still conquer them, because they would be
considered a part of the new ‘War on Space Alien Terrorists’.
By hidflect, June 28, 2010 at 4:51 am Link to this comment
The aliens left earth in 1998. Every video you’ve seen since then is fake. No more Belgium radar records. No more Phoenix Lights. It’s over. Find a new hobby.
Report thisBy Lesley Palmer, June 28, 2010 at 12:21 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
The human race is violent, intolerant, fearful, and unpredictable. If I was an alien, I’d stay away from earth and let the humans destroy themselves. And then I’d fly down and pick up the pieces.
Report thisBy Orrrriiickkkkeelllll, June 27, 2010 at 10:15 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
HaHaHa We “extraterrestrials”, as you puny humans may call us, have no need for fuel; as we have perfected our anti-gravity capabilities, and our superior solar cells take care of 100% of the power demand.
Though the trip wouldn’t be worth our TIME… It might suffice to see you unite in fear, then die.
Report thisBy SteveL, June 27, 2010 at 8:28 pm Link to this comment
Humor<<<<<
Hawking: Aliens ‘No Longer Interested’ in Invading Earth
The lunatics running the asylum are not worth the trip.
Report thisBy gerard, June 27, 2010 at 2:44 pm Link to this comment
Aliens in charge of Intergalactic Communications have contacted Steven Hawking as a result of his announcement today indicating a growing lack of interest in Earth on the part of the Alien Federation.
Report this“Steven,” said a loud voice which was apparently bounced off the surface of the Moon, “tell NASA to lay the hell off blasting up here for water. We know what thieves you are, so we have been hiding it for centuries. It’s a precioius commodity in the Universe and we don’t want you humans messing with it.”
The Auditory Enhancer switched off just then, but several seconds later the voice came back in strong and clear.
“And by the way,” it said, “Any more deep-water oil drilling and you guys’ll be very sorry!
Get a clue, for God’s sake!”
By James Harbour, June 27, 2010 at 2:19 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
I’m kind of disappointed that Hawking is speculating about extra-terrestrial intelligent life - I find it rather unlikely that such a life form would be within any travelable distance - certainly they would be just as curious to interact with a strange culture as we would - especially considering the high improbability involved in the origin of life - their scientists would be driven just as much by curiousness as ours are - this is necessary to make any such technical advances that would allow detection of other life forms in the universe. Just as if SETI were to establish radio contact with an extra-terrestrial intelligence - we would no doubt spend years learning to talk with one another out of curiosity. It’s a very quiet universe - and they would be as ecstatic by the discovery of life foreign to them.
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