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Goldman’s Massive Bonuses ‘Totally Deserved,’ Says Satan

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Posted on Dec 26, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

NEW YORK—The gargantuan year-end bonuses paid out to Goldman Sachs executives have received howls of protests from the banking giant’s legion of critics, but not from its most ardent defender: Satan.

In a rare press conference, the usually reclusive Prince of Darkness defended Goldman’s bonuses today, welcoming reporters at his apartment in New York’s Trump Tower. “I don’t doubt for a minute that my friends at Goldman deserved those bonuses,” Satan said, adding that “buying their souls was the best investment I ever made.”

“It really is the gift that keeps on giving,” he chuckled.

The Evil One said that the bloated Goldman bonuses were “just the cherry on top” of what has been “one of my best years ever.”

“From Mel Gibson to Tony Hayward to the gang at Goldman, 2010 has had more than its share of heroes,” he said. “I salute them all.” Satan added that his banner year was even going out with a bang: “Just when I thought this year couldn’t get any better, this weekend I saw Yogi Bear.”

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The Lord of Misrule said he was looking forward to the holiday season, a time when some of “the greatest evil against humanity” is perpetrated: “Every time someone puts on a Christmas sweater, I give myself a high five.”

Elsewhere, President Obama praised the New York Giants for compromising with the Philadelphia Eagles.


In Controversial Decision, Time Magazine Calls Mark Zuckerberg a Person

The editors of Time ignited a firestorm of controversy today by being the first people ever to call Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg a person.

The decision to call the robot-like Internet titan a person raised eyebrows from Silicon Valley to Wall Street, forcing Time spokesperson Carol Foyler to acknowledge, “This wasn’t an easy call.”

Just hours after Time published its issue designating Zuckerberg a person, a protest group of more than ten thousand people who had been screwed over by Zuckerberg marched on the magazine’s Manhattan offices, led by twins Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, made famous in the movie “The Social Network.”

“If Mark Zuckerberg is a person, then we’re the Jonas Brothers,” said the Winklevi.

Elsewhere, WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange said he wasn’t surprised that filmmaker Michael Moore posted bail for him: “I recognized his MasterCard number.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is the author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate


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Napolean DoneHisPart's avatar

By Napolean DoneHisPart, December 28, 2010 at 1:26 pm Link to this comment

Big B,

Similar to how a “Buddhist” would consider their position in life and that of the person across from them, and may expound their belief and process of absorbing the information / message from the Buddha and share such in order to make sense as to why things happen and may happen…

So does the Christian juxtapose their perception according to the ‘allegories’ or ‘stories’ and what others call the teachings and message / information found in what is known as the bible.

This is a place where all minds can discuss their thoughts…. even yours, whether another agrees, disagrees, loves or hates… folks are simply polite when they don’t BASH HEADS IN to what doesn’t FIT their Compartmentalized-Paradigm minds ( not directly at you, this is for ALL ).

FREE SPEECH and TOLERANCE for the next guy’s free speech… if not, then I’m moving and I’ll say good luck, I’ll write from afar so long as the internet will not censor the truth according to every perspective ( so the seers can clearly identify it for others if need be ).

What good will a weapon be when your constituency is writing laws to take them away from you… and I’m talking about all types and ideas of weapons, physical and metaphysical and all in-between.

Cheers.

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By Big B, December 28, 2010 at 11:54 am Link to this comment

patriot10101

normally I just skim right over your religious diatribes, but I cannot let this pass..

What are you, 5?

People need to stop quoting the christian bible as though it were a history text from 10th grade. Repeat after me, these are tall tales with no more basis in reality than Grimms fairy tales. Besides, most of the really good “stories” from the bible were stolen from older texts from other hokey religions. If there was a “god” it would want you to use your brain to figure out the mysteries of the universe.

As to this article, very funny! I have always assumed that Satan had a corner office at Goldman Sachs, with his own wet bar, and a really hot secretary.

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Napolean DoneHisPart's avatar

By Napolean DoneHisPart, December 28, 2010 at 2:00 am Link to this comment

Besides, these players at these firms are simply the market makers and agents for the principles, their capital interests… their bonus check writers.. no one over mentions ‘who’ is doing the money making, only who is ‘facilitating’ the deals… the public third party, who cares.

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Napolean DoneHisPart's avatar

By Napolean DoneHisPart, December 28, 2010 at 1:58 am Link to this comment

They are getting bonuses because they were SUPPOSED to run the thing into the ground… the insurance bet was the payoff!!! 

Then they bought cheap, consolidated over-leveraged firms and businesses of all kinds with the money swindled from the bailout…

Then they could either repay the borrowed money.. or just add to the enslavement of debt, either way, they win with a massive leverage play and transfer of wealth the world hadn’t seen in a while…

Would have tempted King Solomon to want a piece of the action.

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drbhelthi's avatar

By drbhelthi, December 27, 2010 at 4:10 pm Link to this comment

“Isn’t O providing us with change we can believe in? “

We are wise to believe it is the type of change that the NAZI-element of the CIA has bestowed on the world since 1945.  When the NAZI, Allen Dulles, had NAZI SS general Gehlin convert the OSS into the CIA, the “die was cast.”

With grandparents and parents on both sides of the family tree having exercised operative roles in the CIA.  With Hussein´s having been sucked-in at the age of 19, due to his skill with an Arab language.  With his subsequent over twenty years experience in various roles of an operative?  What else can be expected of him other than a continuation of the NAZIFICATION spearheaded by the GHWBushSr entourage?

Colonel John Stockwell, a former CIA chief, has more recently continued to reveal the truth about the CIA and its destructive role around the world.  Which revelation was actively begun by Mr. Chip Tatum, a former assassin for GHWBushSr.  The Chronicles of Chip Tatum are very revealing, and well documented.

When Bill Colby and the former director of the Skunk Works used logic, and disagreed with the Bush clan, they developed brain cancer and died.  (Dr. Josef Mengele types can draw from many deadly resources.) Not so, with Chip Tatum-types.  They are tortured to death and then thrown into the ocean, a lesson for colleagues to not cross a big-time NAZI.

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By ray, December 27, 2010 at 2:57 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Obama protected us commoners when he enacted the wall street bail out- his way.
Isn’t O providing us with change we can believe in?

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drbhelthi's avatar

By drbhelthi, December 27, 2010 at 12:45 pm Link to this comment

All persons with vision can look out the window in the morning, and discern whether it is light or dark.

There have always been a few persons whose “sight” is not limited to discerning the presence of either darkness or light. Whoever wrote the “book of Daniel” was one of them.  Regardless of the age of a description, if it “fits,” it fits. 

There are folk among us today who possess similar “vision.”  They are describing the current-day situation in terms similar to those of “Daniel,” however, in modern-day terminology. One need not believe in the Vatican church of Rome, the church of Ying-Yang, or the church of Mohammed of Medina. 

One need only discern what has been happening in the “western world” since the end of WWII, especially in whats left of the U.S. of A.

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By gerard, December 26, 2010 at 5:27 pm Link to this comment

Enough with the religious crapola, Bore-wits.  The world’s crazy enough, now we got even that poor pagan outpost North Korea about to declare “holy war” against its brothers and sisters.

How about a little rational common sense for a change.  Let’s leave Satan out of it, shall we?  Please ...

PS - I couldn’t help but notice yesterday that the guys in the red suits won big over the Lakers all in white.  Don’t look too good for next year.

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By gerard, December 26, 2010 at 5:27 pm Link to this comment

Enough with the religious crapola, Bore-wits.  The world’s crazy enough, now we got even that poor pagan outpost North Korea about to declare “holy war” against its brothers and sisters.

How about a little rational common sense for a change.  Let’s leave Satan out of it, shall we?  Please ...

PS - I couldn’t help but notice yesterday that the guys in the red suits won big over the Lakers all in white.  Don’t look too good for next year.

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By jp, December 26, 2010 at 5:18 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Oh Illustrious One- one of your best years… so far.

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