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Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak With BP Executives

Posted on May 30, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON—At a conference of oil leak experts in Washington today, attendees proposed plugging the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with executives of BP, the company responsible for the catastrophic spill.

“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”

Submerging the oil company executives thousands of feet below the ocean’s surface could be a “win-win” situation, Cathermeyer said. “Best-case scenario, they plug the leak,” he said. “And at the very least, they’ll shut the fuck up.”

But even as the oil leak experts proposed their unorthodox solution, environmental expert Marilyn Sufranski warned of the possible negative consequences of plugging the oil leak with BP executives. “The Gulf of Mexico is slimy enough already,” she said.

Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Sarah Palin Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Morons; Key Constituency for Two Hopefuls


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MINNEAPOLIS—In a sign of his increasing prominence in the so-called tea party movement, a new poll shows Kentucky senatorial candidate Rand Paul topping former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin among voters who describe themselves as morons.

In the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, 42 percent preferred Paul, 36 percent preferred Palin, and the remaining 22 percent were unsure what the word prefer meant.

According to Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota, Paul’s surging popularity among morons is bad news for Palin, who previously had a lock on that important constituency. “I never thought I’d say this, but if Palin is going to stay competitive with Paul, she’s going to have to start dumbing down her message.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate

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By ofersince72, June 21, 2010 at 12:53 pm Link to this comment

That explains it, Americans, especially
B A B Y   B O O M E R Americans
are special…...

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By Pieter, June 21, 2010 at 7:49 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Strange how Americans seems to have one set of rules for American companies and another for “foreign” companies (or executives).

Anyone here remembers the Bhopal disaster where 20000 people died, not 11 and till today they have not cleaned up their mess or compensated the people in that region adequately.

Worse even is the fact that the US government has been blocking extradition of the US executive responsible for that mess.

I suppose it was just little Indian people that were killed and they do not need the same justice or consideration as our American brothers (Ooops, I forgot, Americans have wiped out the Indians before, this is just a cultural thing)

Get real, and try being more evenhanded in your view of the world. And no, I am not English.

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By tedmurphy41, June 19, 2010 at 2:10 am Link to this comment

I thought the idea was to stop the pollution, not add to it!

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By peter birch, June 1, 2010 at 4:50 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Good idea but it wont work.    They would rot too fast.  45deal

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D.R. Zing's avatar

By D.R. Zing, May 31, 2010 at 10:43 pm Link to this comment

I don’t know about you but seeing Obama take responsibility for the underwater oil gusher in the Gulf of Mexico was one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen in my life because there’s not a GD thing he can do about it.  How can you take responsibility for something you can do nothing about? Now what would’ve been cool is if he would’ve said: “I hereby take responsibility for the underwater oil gusher and in my capacity as commander in chief I’m going to shoot the CEO of BP right in the fucking head, chop him up into little pieces, put those little pieces in crab traps off the coast of Louisiana, catch some grimy ass fucking crabs from the scum and the filth, crabs that are normally blue but are now black and slimy with oil, and send one of those crabs to every CEO of every oil company in the world along with a note saying:  ‘You’ll be bait for this MF’er next if you pull a BP.’” That would be exercising the power of responsibility.

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By msgmi, May 31, 2010 at 12:10 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Great idea to plug the leak with BP execs; better idea is to add the fools on Capitol Hill to the mix. Starting fresh will do the trick for the environment as well as for a new national policy.

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By purplewolf, May 31, 2010 at 8:41 am Link to this comment

My mother said over a month ago why not stuff these exec’s down there, they would come up with a solution that would work once they were to be used to plug up this blow out, as the word leak doesn’t seem fitting for the gusher shooting out of their drill site.

The politicians being mixed with the oil exec’s, along with the stockholders might work and yes, the BP exec’s are oily and slick and as the politicians are all full of hot air, they can expand and fill in the loose areas in the pipe and snug them in tighter to hold them in place and the stockholders are what can glue them to each other for added security.

We know BP could never truly compensate the victims of this man-made disaster. It would cut into their profits and then there are the stockholders, who come well before paying for any damage BP is responsible for. And as for those few repukelicans who have fought to keep the 75 million dollar cap-fine-in place and not raising it to the actual or closer cost of this clean up and other expenses that are the result of the blowout, stuff them in the pipe as well. BP will never ever come close to paying 1 billionth of the actual cost of their screw up. The real cost will go on for decades.

BTW how many other countries have send help or ideas that might control or end this oil blow out? Every time there is a problem anywhere else in the world seems like America doesn’t mind sticking it’s nose in, whether wanted and welcomed or not, so where is the help when we need it? Or are they staying away because of our past intrusions into their countries and this is their way of punishing us. If so, it is unfortunate as the longer this leak goes on, the greater distance this will spread until it covers an area of the earth so great that it damages not only this country’s survival,it includes theirs as well.

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By chrisevan31, May 31, 2010 at 2:26 am Link to this comment

I cannot believe they could not fix this problem for more than a month, just think about millions of people and animals got affected by this, I got this in email and if you would like to sue them and get money the best place is  forward this to your friends and family affected by the gulf of mexico oil spill.

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Samson's avatar

By Samson, May 31, 2010 at 12:44 am Link to this comment

It won’t work.

For increased stability, you need a 50-50 mix of BP Executives and politicians.

If you use only executives, you’ll discover that the politicians will just take the money from the next sucker and the resulting instabilities will of course mean more oil in the Gulf.

You need a 50-50 mix of politicians and executives.

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By ofersince72, May 31, 2010 at 12:02 am Link to this comment

Maybe someone knows better and can explain to me

Saturday, after failure of topkill,  they had a camera
on a VERTICLE gusher, very much pressure that appeared
to be coming from the ocean floor.
Where was this this in ref to the BOP?, they have not
shown that gusher again.

Today, for a little while, they had a camera once again
on the horizonal gusher at the end of the rizor.

The vertical gusher had nothing attached to it.
What am I missing???? It is starting to look lika all BS.

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By ofersince72, May 30, 2010 at 11:37 pm Link to this comment

For anyone interested,
here BP and MMS plans,  worst case scenario
BP admits for a blowout is 162,000 barrels a day so
where did they get the 1000 then 5000??

if I copied it wrong go to oil drum.

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By the worm, May 30, 2010 at 7:15 pm Link to this comment

This is a good idea in theory,
but in practice BP executives
are too slippery to stick.

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By only1way, May 30, 2010 at 5:10 pm Link to this comment

I love this story! To bad its not real *sad face*

Who ever was involved with the decision to “Not” shut down that platform before the explosion, deserves to be prosecuted for the damage they have caused. The damage caused by BP Oil to the East Coast is criminal beyond any imagination. AND I’VE SEEN LOTS OF DAMAGE IN ALMOST 1/2 A CENTURY! The fact that no ones on the hook yet for this crime against Humanity & Nature, suggests to me that the Bush’s (George & George) friends, to date are safe, & sound in their cuddly executive seats still getting their executive pay (and Bonuses), while the entire fishing and tourism Industries around the Gulf of Mexico have been put out of work.

Now, I think its admirable that the US Government (the tax payers) decided giving aide/ assistance to these suffering families was the right thing to do. But as a tax payer myself, my question is, WHY ISN’T BP Oil footing that responsibility to these families? Why isn’t this money coming from the decision makers of that oil platform?

If anyone had any doubts regarding the double standards when it comes to who gets prosecuted for Hannis Crimes like this in the USA, compared to who gets away with these crimes, this should be a good example that its true. Also known as the “elite & greedy” members of society compared to us Non Greedy humans with a soul. You know who I mean when I say elite & greedy, right? The ones born with a silver spoon in their fangs.

If they haven’t stopped this spill by now.. Its doubtful there’s anyone among the living that can shut it down. So if your a believer in Jesus Christ, & you pray.. You need to get to work. And Please don’t give me your opinion about Buddha, or Mohammad, or what-ever God or Prophet you worship. Truth is, Oprah is dead wrong, & those others mentioned died here, & stayed dead.

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By gerard, May 30, 2010 at 5:07 pm Link to this comment

A capital idea—if you catch my drift!

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