Citing Kagan’s Lack of Judging Experience, GOP Proposes Paula Abdul

Posted on May 16, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

WASHINGTON—Howling in protest over Obama Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan’s lack of judging experience, leading Republicans today urged the president to withdraw Kagan and instead nominate Paula Abdul.

“The American people have had years of watching Paula’s judging expertise, and they know that she is fair,” said Sen. Jeff Sessions, R-Ala., top Republican on the Senate Judiciary Committee. “She’s certainly fairer than Simon.”

As to the criticism that sometimes on “American Idol” Abdul seemed to be not all there and had nothing to say, Sessions said, “You could say the same thing about Clarence Thomas.”

Republicans Insert Name ‘Kagan’ Into Speeches Opposing Obama’s Supreme Court Pick

WASHINGTON—Moments after news of President Barack Obama’s choice for Supreme Court justice spread across Washington, congressional Republicans rushed to insert the name Elena Kagan into speeches opposing the president’s judicial nominee.

In the text of a speech released hours before Kagan was selected, House Minority Leader John Boehner of Ohio states, “I opposed the nomination of BLANK because I believe BLANK would lead the court down a dangerous path toward judicial activism. In short, I cannot think of a worse choice for Supreme Court than BLANK.”

The anti-Kagan rhetoric was generated before Kagan was nominated, GOP insiders said, by using a new iPhone app called iOppose.

In other news, study of the Neanderthal genome at UC Santa Cruz has revealed that mating between humans and Neanderthals may explain one of science’s most persistent mysteries: the existence of Glenn Beck.

“We believe that sex between a human and a Neanderthal may have resulted, some 15 thousand years later, in several of the Fox News Channel’s primetime hosts, including Glenn Beck,” said a leading genetic researcher at the university.

But while sex between humans and Neanderthals may explain the existence of the controversial Fox host, other mysteries remain, the researcher said: “While it is likely that a human would have sex with a Neanderthal, it is unclear who would have sex with Glenn Beck.”

The discovery that Neanderthals and humans mated 15 thousand years ago took many scientists by surprise: “Previously, we thought the first time this occurred was on ‘Jersey Shore.’ ”

Elsewhere, the Department of Homeland Security said that it had been following Times Square bombing suspect Faisal Shahzad, “but only on Twitter.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the book “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate

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