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Canada Reports Huge Jump in Immigration

Posted on Nov 7, 2010

Fake news by Andy Borowitz

OTTAWA—Canadian immigration officials have reported a huge increase in the number of requests for Canadian citizenship in the past 24 hours, with more than 55 million such inquiries pouring in since late Tuesday night. Of those 55 million requests, well over 99.99 percent of them came from U.S. citizens, with a particularly large number coming from residents of Florida and Kentucky.

Canadian Foreign Affairs Minister Lawrence Cannon said that he was “flabbergasted” by the 55-million-plus requests for Canadian citizenship, adding that it was difficult to pinpoint the precise reasons for the staggering increase. “My only theory is that after the 2010 winter Olympics, the sport of curling is finally starting to catch on,” he said.

He cautioned, however, that it is impossible to know exactly what is sparking the sudden interest in America’s frozen neighbor to the north: “People answering our immigration hotline say that it is hard to understand many of the American callers because they are sobbing uncontrollably.”

In other news, responding to Tuesday’s election returns, Rep. John Boehner, R-Ohio, told reporters, “I’m so stoked, I just turned the tanning bed up to 11.”

But former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin struck a more somber note, saying that despite several key victories, “it was a tough night for tea party voters because it involved so much math.”


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Fox News Estimates Jon Stewart’s Crowd at Seven People

WASHINGTON—The Fox News Channel reported today that the turnout for Jon Stewart’s “Rally to Restore Sanity” was underwhelming at best, with Fox sources estimating the total turnout at seven people.

“Our total count includes Stewart, (Stephen) Colbert, and what appear to be a few of their friends and relatives,” said Fox anchor Shepard Smith. “This has to be a smaller crowd than they were expecting.”

But immediately after Fox broadcast what it described as “live coverage” of the rally showing a nearly deserted National Mall, viewers began to point out irregularities in the images being shown.

First of all, one viewer noticed that the live coverage of the rally was actually being broadcast a full 12 hours before the rally began. Second, an expert identified the supposedly “live footage” of today’s rally as file footage from a Sunday in 1997 when the Mall was completely shut down for reseeding.

Even in the face of such evidence, Fox stood by its story, with Fox host Glenn Beck pointing out that the seven people in attendance were “largely elitists.”

“I was struck by how many correctly spelled signs there were,” Beck said. “That’s not my America.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2010 Creators Syndicate

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By outrider61, November 9, 2010 at 2:25 pm Link to this comment

It seems funny to me that the same people who would allow the Mexican border to be overrun by those who won’t “request American citizenship” are depicted (making sure you know that I know it’s a fictional piece) as obeying Canadian immigration laws…

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By kdyson, November 8, 2010 at 7:09 pm Link to this comment

...but we have a minion of the Bush era running things
up here…so don’t get too excited…

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lOst_sOuls_rembrd's avatar

By lOst_sOuls_rembrd, November 8, 2010 at 12:50 pm Link to this comment

and miss all the fun!  Nay slayers!  I have this perverse excitement just waiting for the rethugs and the tber’s get a hold of the government which is quite possible after Obama leaves

if you can embrace change then pop some popcorn, maybe a sweet or two and sit back and enjoy the total madness and gradual delusion of the gov… EITHER party’s hands.

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By paulnps, November 8, 2010 at 10:50 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

We will begin to see a large migration of American intellectuals, artists, engineers and other middle managers soon leaving the U.S. for true democratic countries in Asia, Europe and South America.  The U.S. and the Republicans beginning with Regan have systematically dismantled the necessary tools to have an educated electorate. 

Resources such as requiring journalists and broadcasters to tell the truth when reporting news.  Propaganda machines like Fox News fabricate statistics and then real news organizations must refute their emotional reactionary lies. But it is far too late by then, since the lie repeated in Goebbels like fashion on their network becomes what people believe.  The rest of the major media are owned by Republican boards and executives and only support the propaganda begun by Fox, instead of confronting lying Senators with the real statistics.

Like the 30’s in Germany the Republican party stood in our form of Parliment and objected instead of contributing to legislation to actually helping citizens during this economic crises.  Industries, just as in Germany in the 30’s, are solidly behind the Republicans and will work with them to bring our Democracy down. 

Watch some sort of monument be destroyed and the Republicans will blame liberals for the disaster.  This will lead to arrest of many in the U.S. on trumped up charges of treason.

Our electorate has become uneducated and unwilling to debate realities. Instead, like their propaganda providers, Fox and Friends, they will mouth the lies without understanding the realities. 

The military will grow stronger and watch university professors will be put in forced labor camps to do road work for their “treasonous opinions.”

Be careful American, we have elected ignorant bigots to run this country whose hands our open to receive large donations from the corporations that are their real masters.  We however, will become more and more trapped in a shadow of the real democracy we all love.

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By tedmurphy41, November 8, 2010 at 8:46 am Link to this comment

Instead of people making the necessary effort to change their own situation, by lawful or unlawful means, they pack their bags and move, possibly hoping that they will better themselves in the process.
What these people do not seem to grasp is the fact that the systems that they live under are the major cause of their problems and it will follow them wherever they go.

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By purplewolf, November 7, 2010 at 11:07 pm Link to this comment

I have thought about moving to Canada since I have family there and with the repugs and’s and their crazy view of what America should be, Canada is looking better more and more.Especially if that whack job from Wasilly gets into a position of power in 2012.

And don’t they still have all those hunky Mounties up there?

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By gerard, November 7, 2010 at 6:42 pm Link to this comment

Addition:  For people who can’t get into Canada proper for one reason or another, try sledding farther North toward the Pole where British GeoThermal is drilling for green energy far down beneath the ice, approaching the earth’s core of red hot magma. It is believed that there will be so much heat produced from this experiment that BG will have to give it away free to get rid of it. Take your guns to shoot polar bears and reindeer for meat, but be careful not to hit Santa Claus by mistake.

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