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An Open Letter to the Arizona State Legislature: Don’t Stop Now!

Posted on Apr 24, 2012
AP/Ross D. Franklin

Dear Arizona State Legislature:

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Lately you’ve been taking a lot of criticism for “going too far.”

Actually, as a constituent and natural-born U.S. citizen who takes our rights and privileges very seriously, I don’t think you’ve gone far enough. Here are a few suggestions for how to go all the way—and no, I’m not asking you for a date. I am asking you to enact these simple, common-sense ideas at your earliest convenience. No, you don’t have to get back to me on this list. Quite simply, if there isn’t any consideration of these proposed pieces of legislation, I’m voting you out. And don’t expect any hand-outs if you find yourselves on the unemployment line. It’s for losers!

OK, here is my 9-point plan for getting Arizona back on track:

1. It’s time for mandatory English-only texting while driving. This law would guarantee that fellow citizens can—and should—be apprised of all highway threats at any given time in a language everyone recognizes. And, by texting while driving, something else would be accomplished simultaneously: We’d have one more opportunity to make the most of technology designed by corporations that get massive tax breaks and provide a lot of nice but secretly angry people with jobs in human resources departments. Let’s stop tearing these companies down and give them all a group hug. Remember, according to the Supreme Court—and Ephesians—they’re people too, except they’re really important.


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By the way, the truly amazing thing about this piece of legislation is that it guarantees participation in the Bill of Rights whenever Arizonans are on the road. The simple act of texting makes the most of freedom of speech! And through that, each of us recalls the sacrifices of the Founding Fathers, instantly becoming a re-enactor of the Revolutionary War—without having to wear period costumes. Of course, there’s also the added bonus of no salaries for teachers. Who needs history in the classroom? With mandatory English-only texting while driving, we can phase out teacher salaries and really let everyone know what America is all about. 

2. While we’re at it, why not consider mandatory text, drive and open carry? That way, we can continue phasing out schools while protecting ourselves with fully loaded Glocks, at the same time having another lesson in our cars. In this case, it’s civics. Motorists would exercise freedom of speech, the right to assemble and the Second Amendment, as they headed to work or the store. It’s a personal rights threefer and you can’t get more efficient than that!

3. Why are birds allowed within city limits? In fact, why do we have birds in the first place? They are noisy, sometimes fly into my windshield and don’t bring money into the state coffers. So what’s the point?

4. In fact, why do we have state parks? Defunding them was a good start, but they’re still there and, quite frankly, a haven for birds. Why not turn all state parks into open pit mines and let the blasting begin?

5. Let’s start with the Grand Canyon. I know it’s not a state park. It’s national—even worse. We could balance the state budget immediately if the park were seized and all protections immediately removed. Then the entire rim should be set aside as what a lot of people use it for anyway—a men’s room. I refer to the large numbers of unemployed broncobusters and members of traveling fraternity parties who often position themselves at the canyon’s edge and relieve themselves, convincing many a potential Thelma and Louise that they should keep going. Charging these deadbeats for the privilege of alfresco bathroom breaks would bring an instant windfall to the state coffers—solving Arizona’s fiscal crisis and paying for the filing of secession papers at the same time. So let’s set up those tollbooths and watch the Benjamins roll in!   

6. Speaking of popular wilderness activities, it’s time to alleviate the widespread problem of unauthorized shooting of saguaros. The solution is easy: I propose an official open season on these giant eyesores. It would work like any regulated hunt: Interested parties would register for a limited take (or better yet, why not unlimited?), and the state could collect a bag fee for each saguaro that was mowed down. Bingo—money in the bank and nothing in the way while citizens race across the landscape in ATVs, chasing down more takes during the officially sanctioned act of hunting. Two problems instantly gone.

7. Oh no, I’m not finished with self-defense. Why is it not possible to convert a cellphone into an automatic weapon? Isn’t it time to take back our rights here? Hello? Is anyone listening? I mean phones already have a silencer, right? This is one bill that would not get bogged down in socialist debates about how to enhance a privately developed communications device and whether or not it’s even allowed. The cellphone is a weapon waiting to happen. Let’s do it!

8. Face it: First, they came for our cigarettes. Then they came for—well, pretty much you name it. It’s time to get your Smokey on for real. I’m tired of hearing from a bear that I shouldn’t start forest fires. The only thing that slogan reminds me of is smoking, which we can’t do anymore. Repeal anti-smoking legislation and let us light up when we get up. If I happen to start a forest fire in the process, oh well. God has his reasons and he wouldn’t have given us all these freedoms if he didn’t want us to use them. Am I right?   

9. OK, let me wrap this up by answering the big question once and for all. Conception begins at the time of the first babysitting job. All right, not really, but come on, we’ve got to stop all the haggling because it’s simply taking up too much time, bandwidth and ammunition. This bill would eliminate any confusion about ovulation time frames, exact moment of egg to sperm contact, and whether or not “yes” means “I’m pregnant and the baby’s name is Kimberly.” Of course this law would create a number of teenage mothers, pregnant or not, but shouldn’t we be preparing young women for their preordained roles anyway?

In summary, I’d like to thank you again for everything that you have done for the state of Arizona. But don’t forget—keep going and stand firm. Case closed, problems solved. I’ll be watching!

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By Investment Fraud Lawyer, May 9, 2012 at 9:26 pm Link to this comment

I am only afraid that someone would take this article word for word, and think that the author is actually in support of the Government and is proposing those hilarious new laws. No, this article was done tongue firmly in cheek, and behind all the sarcasm, one can see the points that she is trying to make. I think this is a very creative way of venting one’s frustrations without being overboard.

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By Frances in California, April 26, 2012 at 12:34 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Just when I thought no one on Earth could top Andy Borowitz, along comes this article.  My hat is off to you, Ms. Stillman!  Of course, once I doffed my hat, I accidentally kicked it down the street a few steps while trying to pick it up.  I’ll be busy for a while, here . . . somebody stop me before I get to the Arizona border!

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By SoTexGuy, April 26, 2012 at 12:21 pm Link to this comment

I don’t always agree with them but Arizona lawmakers aren’t psycho-nazi-weirdos.  They propose and pass laws they believe to be supported by their voting constituency. If they are re-elected (as frequently happens) then their actions in government are accepted by the voters. That’s Democracy with a capital D.

Arizona is a place unto itself.. I suppose that’s why it is under such continuous attack? .. Everyone must conform. Arizona is dealing with their problems in their own way and with the tools at hand.. I’m sure that earns them the hatred of the Empire.

Just so you know.. I also think Arizona to be on the fringe of reasonable and decent law-making.. But I do not deny them the right to try to make things better.. and especially when the Federal Government takes a pass on or aggressively ignores local emergencies and priorities..


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By catsberry, April 26, 2012 at 10:47 am Link to this comment

This is a dangerous article to put out
because it can easily be misquoted by some
ignorant right-wing extremist from
Arizona.  It needs some introductory
paragraph explaining that it’s all tongue-
and-cheek.  The author is merely
expressing her opinion of the outlandish
Arizona laws putting them above federal
laws and constitutional limitations, while
discriminating against minorities.  But
this is never referenced in the article. 
Remember, our education system is at its
lowest point for an entire generation—
there’s a lot of morons out there now.

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By Protoscholar, April 26, 2012 at 10:32 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I think we need more transparency.  We’ve already sold
the state capital, and frankly we’ve already sold the
state legislator’s votes, so why don’t we just sell the
whole STATE to ALEC.  Then we will at least know what
to expect.  It will be the ultimate in political

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americanme's avatar

By americanme, April 25, 2012 at 12:35 pm Link to this comment


Any idiot can text.  But in Arizona they cannot spell.

Think about it.

To be able to spell correctly you have to have some kind of educational infrastructure.

Saguaros are those tall multi-armed cacti.  They make good targets because the cops can say they were armed….

I know, boo.

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Leefeller's avatar

By Leefeller, April 25, 2012 at 7:30 am Link to this comment

This article is insulting to reality, everyone knows people in Arizona are not smart enough to text, though their spelling capabilities may be suitable.

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By Marian Griffith, April 25, 2012 at 1:25 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Ms. Stillman

You forgot to mention the ultimate goal: We should do away once and for all with all those federal, and even state, laws that restrict our freedoms.

After all, we know that corporations are people and that we can trust the corporations to self-regulate. They do not need any restrictions placed on them by big government to know and what is best! And since they are people this should apply to all laws and regulations. I say we do away with them all and trust in the people to self-regulate! After all, how else would we know if some law would not be used to limit the right of the blessed corporations?

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By Mekhong Kurt, April 24, 2012 at 10:54 pm Link to this comment

Ms. Stillman—BRILLIANT!

I bow before a Master!

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By Clash, April 24, 2012 at 6:58 pm Link to this comment

It appears that your document originates from the same government organization lead by colon powell, you know the guy that waved the baggy of sugar for the world to see, and reason enough to go kill the terrorists who blew up the trade center in NY, we all no they came from Baghdad.

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By karlInSanDiego, April 24, 2012 at 3:44 pm Link to this comment

I keep saying that Arizona is the new Texas…

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By americanme, April 24, 2012 at 2:42 pm Link to this comment

Good one!

Especially the mandatory texting, which causes innumerable accidents and would this way reduce the population of the state.  fewer mouth to feed, more fun for all.

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By RHONDA, April 24, 2012 at 2:13 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Love it, Love it!  It’s a Brave New World…..

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