May 20, 2013
A Satire: Serving the Nation, Republican-Style
Posted on Aug 8, 2011
I attended a meeting in the 1990s addressed by conservative Charles Murray, who had by then achieved some fame attacking welfare. Unfamiliar with his work, I earnestly asked during the Q&A: “I understand your critique of welfare, but what would you replace it with? Clearly you wouldn’t just throw these people out on the street, so what would you do instead?” I will never forget his answer. He looked at me, smiled lamely at my naivete, held both hands palms up and shrugged.
There has been surprising little discussion of the real issue underlying the debt ceiling “crisis”: Republicans’ contempt for a growing number of their fellow Americans. These include liberals, members of the mass media, union members, government employees, the unemployed, the uninsured and the ill, seniors, the working poor, feminists, minorities, immigrants, welfare mothers, gays and even veterans. The truth is that America has today entered a new civil war, as this satire suggests, between a minority of ideological extremists empowered by corporate money and a majority of Americans whose numbers will grow as the economy declines. Some of the following is, for the moment, exaggerated. The mentality described is not.
House Majority Leader Eric Cantor today introduced “The Household Job Creators Act of 2011,” which will provide employers with a 50 to 75 percent tax credit for wages paid to American-born household servants. “I am excited to introduce this bill, which will create a giant new employment sector in America by offering tax credits to employers who hire native-born Americans to serve as household servants, including butlers, valets, footmen, governesses, nursemaids, gamekeepers, chauffeurs, pool boys, ball boys, golf caddies, gardeners, cooks, yacht crew members, and scullery and upstairs maids,” he said.
Cantor stressed that his bill would establish once and for all that tax breaks for the wealthy create jobs in America. “This bill disproves the absurd Democratic claim, echoed by the lamestream liberal media, that tax breaks for the successful will not create jobs in the U.S. since businesses are already sitting on a $2 trillion surplus, or that they will invest in cheap labor abroad,” he said. Cantor then added with the boyish grin, puckish humor and deep respect for the rich that have so endeared him to the contributors to whom he owes his career, “America’s most productive and successful people can hardly ask a Chinese worker to fly over and wipe off their baby’s tush, can they? This is a job for American workers!”
Cantor went on to say that his bill will provide a “win-win” solution to two major problems facing America: “The first problem, as America’s job creators can tell you, is that good help is harder to find than at any time since the late 19th century,” he said. “There is a crying need for properly trained servants to serve the needs of successful people, who should no longer be unfairly irritated by their servants’ inability to speak proper English or respond instantly to commands. They deserve well-educated, native-born Americans who know the language and can thus do a far more efficient job of raising their employers’ children, cooking their food, washing their clothing and cleaning up after them.”
House Speaker John Boehner, a co-sponsor of the bill, also appeared at the news conference to announce that House Republicans would soon introduce a companion measure that would create even more household jobs and other similar employment for native-born Americans. “Dave Petraeus’ valiant fight to bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan has led to a wonderful new ‘biometric scanning’ program whereby, according to The New York Times, ‘soldiers and police officers take digital scans of eyes, photographs of the face and fingerprints [so that] the government can scan through millions of digital files in a matter of seconds,’ ” Boehner said. “So far 1.4 million Afghans and 2.2 million Iraqis have been entered into the database. Gen. Petraeus has stated that ‘This data is virtually irrefutable and … based on our experience in Iraq, I pushed this hard here in Afghanistan too.’ ”
Boehner described the legislation further. “Our new bill will make biometric scanning mandatory for all Latinos and Muslims in the United States,” he said. “In the case of Latinos it will provide the ‘irrefutable data’ needed to identify and deport millions of illegal immigrants, opening up countless new jobs for American-born youth, not only as household servants, but in washing and parking cars, picking vegetables and cleaning toilets.”
New and Improved Comments