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Palin’s Secret to Instant Knowledge

Posted on Sep 21, 2008

By Andy Borowitz

GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin said today that she was “delighted” with her performance in a much-publicized ABC News interview with Charlie Gibson and gave credit to her “trusty Magic 8-Ball” for helping her come up with answers to “some darn tricky questions.”

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“Charlie brought his A-game, that’s for darn sure,” Gov. Palin said after her interview. “That’s why it’s a good thing I had my Magic 8-Ball with me.”

During the interview broadcast on ABC, the Alaska governor was seen shaking her Magic 8-Ball after each question before responding to Mr. Gibson.

All in all, Gov. Palin responded to more than 80 of the ABC newsman’s questions with only three answers, believed to be a record for a nationally broadcast interview with a major political figure.

“Terrorists are hell-bent on destroying us,” Gov. Palin said no fewer than 19 times.


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“I believe that America must do what we can to be strong,” she said 15 times.

“Reply hazy—try again,” she said nine times.

Occasionally, she attempted an ad-lib, usually the word “Charlie,” which she used more than 1,000 times.

All in all, Gov. Palin said she was “pleased as punch” by her performance, despite having told Mr. Gibson that the United States should invade Russia.

When asked by reporters where she got her answer to the Russia question, Gov. Palin replied, “My Magic 8-Ball got stuck on that one, so I asked God.”

On the campaign trail, GOP presidential nominee John McCain said he was “thrilled” with Gov. Palin’s performance, adding that she would be shipped to Alaska and frozen in a block of ice for the remainder of the campaign.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2008 Creators Syndicate Inc.

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By Opening Eyes, September 24, 2008 at 5:54 pm Link to this comment

Below is a quote from an article on Palin’s church.  My biggest concern is a possible unconscious(?) motive to bring about Rapture by acting militantly.
“What is so unnerving about the candidacy of Sarah Palin is the degree to which she represent – and her supporters celebrate – the joyful marriage of confidence and ignorance. Watching her deny to Gibson that she had ever harbored the slightest doubt about her readiness to take command of the world’s only superpower, one got the feeling that Palin would gladly assume any responsibility on earth:”

Third Wave Joel’s Army believers are hard-core Christian dominionists, meaning they believe that America, along with the rest of the world, should be governed by conservative Christians, and ruled by a conservative Christian interpretation of biblical law. There is no room for democracy or pluralism in the doctrine of Joel’s Army dogma, just theocracy.

“It is disturbing enough to think that a sitting Governor in the United States believes in witchcraft and curses, but we really have to ask ourselves if we want a woman who believes that a theocracy is her god’s ultimate will for our government, sitting in the office of vice president.  Just think about an Armageddon ready army of Sarah Palin followers willing to subvert your will and force you into religious submission on pain of death, the next time you think about her perky smile and her five cute kids.  Think about Joel’s army before you select the McCain/Palin ticket in the voting booth.”

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By redwhiteblue, September 24, 2008 at 10:45 am Link to this comment
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Do you suppose the lucky 8 ball was the same as Bush wore under his jacket when he was in a debate?  Do you suppose someone was whispering sweet nothings in her ear? I sure don’t like all the secrecy with her. It is too much like Bush and after all, McCain said he voted with Bush 90% of the time.

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By purplewolf, September 23, 2008 at 10:08 pm Link to this comment

Opening Eyes: don’t forget the Gypsy Witch Fortune Telling Cards, the Tarot, Ouija boards, tea leaves, and a large cache of other divination tools available. Dice comes to mind also, how about “snake eyes.”

Boggs: she doesn’t need her eyeglasses changed. She needs her brain changed.

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By Outraged, September 22, 2008 at 11:27 pm Link to this comment

At least we can take consolation in the fact that statistically the magic-8 ball has to be right at least SOMETIME.  It’s better than her “going it alone” or relying on Bush’s “revelations”.  Or worse yet his stinkin’ gut rot.

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By Purple Girl, September 22, 2008 at 3:07 pm Link to this comment

Both ‘Lapel Pins’ and his side kick Georgie th ewonder boy should both have been thrown out of broadcasting after that absolutlely ridiculous and Insulting ‘Debate’ they clalim to have conducted between Sen Obama and Georgie Boys’ Mother figure Boss.
ABC should have been barred by the FCC and the Election commissions from EVER being allowed to conduct such an Injustice and dereliction of duty to The American People Again!
Send Charlie to Entertainment tonight and Georgie back to his Wet Nurse Hillary!
As for McCain’s Treasonous Choice of VP’s, She needs to try and get back in a College to learn more about the World and The Country her State is STILL attached to!Most likely she’ll bomb out agian!
We are Now in a well foreseen disaster economically, and we’re supposed to accept the notion that since she managed a state budget the size of ONE metropolitan city tha tshe comprehends anything about our National economy. What the hell does she know about manufacturing, Agriculture, or National or International Business? all she knows is Fishing and Oil- Period!
How many types of Minorities has she even met- Indiginous Alaskans and Whites? What does she know of Urban blight?
This ignorant excuse of a VP doesn’t even Know what the Damn ‘Bush Doctrine ‘Is…The god damn ideological agenda that was used to precipitate an Unjust War!
the only reason Mrs Pig in Lipstick could get away with those mantra answers is becuase ‘Lapel Pins’ isn’t smart enough to know what damn questions to ask- did they sit next to each other in one of those 5 colleges she pretended to attend….In College we called the majors of Women like Her a ‘MRS’Degree.
McCain has proven is Ignorance and distain for Women. This absurd Choice is not just an Insult to women, it is a travesty to the country! the only Logical reason Mac would choose such an ill equipped running mate is tha the is the MANCHURAN CANDIDATE, AND HATES AMERICA! Lest we Forget the Historical Traitor Benedict Arnold was a General in Our Military- Mac is Now second Only to Cheney as our nations Worse TRAITOR!

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By woodchoppers for Palin, September 22, 2008 at 1:22 pm Link to this comment
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Shaking the 8-Ball just makes her look good. Her actual source of luck is that dern lucky bullet she keeps in her pocket (all ladies pants in Alaska have pockets..not a criticism). Sarah Palin has my vote; my frozen overalls is pointing North.

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By Steve, September 22, 2008 at 6:40 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Biden will just see what Palin’s 8 ball says and then plagiarize it.  Why use your own material when there plenty out there that belongs to others.

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By kwagmyre, September 21, 2008 at 10:22 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Yep, that’s good ‘ol Sarah for ya, always BEHIND the 8 ball!

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By Kashilinus, September 21, 2008 at 8:58 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

It’s like General Karpinski put it (Truthout): Men go for her because they would like to screw her. I know that to be true because that thought crossed this octogenarian’s mind. But they aren’t gonna vote for her. The morning after complications are just too tough to contemplate.

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By boggs, September 21, 2008 at 5:46 pm Link to this comment

When I talked to God, he told me that He never calls for ‘war’ or ‘killing’ others.
He told me that He is pretty sure that Palin has mistaken Satan’s word for His.
Maybe she needs her eyeglasses changed out!
Frankly, anyone who talks to God is

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By Opening Eyes, September 21, 2008 at 5:03 pm Link to this comment

I think she had an unfair advantage. All politicians should have a magic 8 ball. 
Will they let Biden have one too in the upcoming debates?

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By Opening Eyes, September 21, 2008 at 4:43 pm Link to this comment

Is she going to start casting spells next?  What happens when her magic 8 ball isn’t there?  I know, I know, God will tell her what to do. 
She only gets scarier.  Who are these apes who believe her?

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By Margaret Currey, September 21, 2008 at 3:47 pm Link to this comment
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Almost true she is such a joke that the joke is on McShame

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