How Can We Miss Him if He Won’t Go Away?

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Posted on Apr 14, 2008

By Andy Borowitz

President George W. Bush used a Rose Garden appearance today to reassure investors that he was at the helm of the U.S. economy, causing stock markets to plummet around the world.

“You don’t have to worry about this economy because I am in charge of it,” said Mr. Bush, touching off what some observers were calling a global financial panic.

Mr. Bush began his remarks about the economy at 10:30 a.m. Eastern time, and by 10:30 markets around the world had already gone into a perilous free fall.

According to Wall Street insiders, the markets were responding to the news that Mr. Bush was still president. “Over the last few weeks, the markets have absorbed the news of the subprime crisis, the housing meltdown and the Bear Stearns failure,” said Logan Teasdale of Citigroup. “But the news that President Bush is still president was too much for the markets to shrug off.”

Over the past few months, Mr. Teasdale said, traders have tried hard to forget that Mr. Bush was still president, but his White House remarks today were “a painful reminder.” At the Federal Reserve, Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke huddled with central bankers to try to find a way to calm the markets rattled by Mr. Bush’s alarming appearance.

One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.

Elsewhere, in a triumphal return to Yankee Stadium, former pitching great Roger Clemens threw out the first syringe.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2008 Creators Syndicate

TAGS: borowitz bush crisis economy news president satire

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By G.Anderson, April 15, 2008 at 9:20 pm #

Don’t expect anything to change when Bush leaves office.

There will be a sense of optimism, but that will be short lived.

The plutocracy will still be in charge, and they like things this way.

We will continue to have the same debate over and over again, the Republican’s will want to cut taxes, the Democrats will want to raise them on the wealthy.

But neither one of these solutions will solve our problems.

Without reform and regulation of our financial sector, and an end to corporate lawlessness, nothing will change. America will continue to sink.

The current election has disintegrated into a personality contest.

That so many Americans continue to listen and support the Republican party is an indication that we haven’t yet learned our lesson, and that things are bound to get much worse.

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By joey, April 15, 2008 at 4:12 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

In a vibrant free democracy a criminal like G.W. Bush would have been stopped mid term at his first crime and a special election would have been held. THE REAL CRIME IS THAT HE IS STILL IN OFFICE.

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By tomack, April 15, 2008 at 1:52 pm #

I can picture Bush at Disney until November. Yes, on an endless loop of Pirates Of The Caribbean. Very fitting.

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By rodney, April 15, 2008 at 10:31 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Why wait for the olympics send Bush off to China now. Let him breath the fresh air.since there is no global warming. He and the Chinese agree on torture and violating civil and human rights. They both love the cheap labor. And they both share the same level of popularitary among it’s people. Hey maybe Bush could become President of China. They both know how to fix elections and he could do to their ecenomy what he did for ours. Then America could regain it’s status as a great and moral nation again with Bush running China.

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By SamSnedegar, April 15, 2008 at 9:51 am #

If you spend one microsecond in contemplation of what is on Bush’s mind, then you waste your time and brain studying NOTHING.

NIHILISM: (A) a viewpoint that traditional values and beliefs are unfounded and that existence is senseless and useless (B) : a doctrine that denies any objective ground of truth and especially of moral truths ...

to paraphrase Patrick Henry, ... gentlemen may cry TRUTH, TRUTH, but there is no truth . . . not in the Bushitter gang of thugs, anyway.

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By DennisD, April 15, 2008 at 6:55 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

“One solution reportedly being pondered by the Fed would involve sending Mr. Bush to Disney World for the remainder of his time in office.”

Andy - Disney World already has a “Goofy” cartoon character.

A SuperMax for life would be a better alternative.

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