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 Nuclear Two-StepPosted on Nov 18, 2007By Will Durst This might be a good time to try and explain George Bush’s Mideast nuclear policy, which to the untrained eye must seem trickier than doing calculus on a solar-powered calculator in the front seat of a high-speed roller coaster while wearing gloves, at night. As leader of the free world, he’s taken a monumental task upon himself to divide the world into two distinct and separate groups: those countries sober and sensible enough to handle the whole nuclear thing in the mature manner of a good democratic nation like the United States, and all those other fourth-rate, scorpion-infested hellholes that still allow barnyard animals to board airplanes. And what of the borderline calls? You know, countries with a couple of low-rent, knockoff fast-food franchises whose streetcars still allow live chickens in the overhead compartment? Easy. The nations we like can have nuclear weapons. And the ones we don’t like—can’t. It’s that simple. And don’t give us any lip either. Or we’ll talk to some buddies of Warren Buffett and get your Burger Imam licenses revoked. Being the sole member of the “We Made a Big Badda Boom” club burdens us with the authority to write the admissions policy for all guild applicants. Not a pretty job, but someone has to do it. And the more like us you are, the more likely we’ll let you have what you want. As long as what you want is what we want you to want. The less like us you are, the more likely your topographical features are of becoming a vast expanse of smooth, green glass. Although we’ve had the bomb for over 60 years, we have proven ourselves to be totally reliable and trustworthy, having only used it on actual people twice. Sure, we’ve waved it around a couple of times, but if you can’t menace somebody with a nuclear bomb, what’s the use of squandering your children’s future to build it? George Bush is going the extra mile to make sure that every nuclear wannabe is as determined to pursue diplomatic answers to complex international problems as he is. And those who don’t like it might want to start sleeping in lead-lined pajamas.
Israel, Pakistan, India ... sure, no problem, boys—load up. You can go thermonuclear. Because not only are you like us, you’re our friends. You invite us to your birthday parties. And give us ice cream. Your leaders wear suits which makes us comfortable. Syria, Iraq and Iran. No. I’m sorry. You wear funny clothes and you’re mean to us and never had us over to the house for cookies and milk, so no nukes for you. What it boils down to is: it’s not enough to be like us; you also have to actually ... like us.
Will Durst is an actor, comic, writer and radio talk-show host who thinks Bush determining proper international conduct is scarier than a Rudy-Giuliani-in-drag compilation tape. © 2007 Will Durst. Previous item: Hillary's Supermarket Conundrum Next item: Obama Campaigners Work the Switchboards Elsewhere: . CommentsAre you a Truthdig member yet? Login now, or register with Truthdig.
By nils cognizant, November 20, 2007 at 10:45 pm # In response to: The atomic attacks on the two civilian populations were not needed or intended to preclude a US invasion of Japan or to end the war. Japan, an island nation which depended on the outside world for most resources, had no means in 1945 of importing vital supplies. Its fleets were at the bottom of Truk Lagoon and Leyte. Remaining Japanese soldiers were landlocked in various locales without transport, food or command structure. In fact, the Japanese had previously offered to surrender if their Emperor would be accorded dignity and decent treatment. There was, in fact, zero reasons to “invade” Japan. Don’t take my word for it, just sit down with a piece of paper, outline the facts, and write up what YOUR recommendation would have been to Truman on the subject. Note that when we finally took physical possession of the islands, no Americans were killed. The notion of mass US casualties was a myth cooked up by Truman et al in order to allow for unneeded atomic attacks intended to inform emerging blocs that we intended to be in charge. Winston Churchill, himself crazier than a shithouse rat (recall his revenge firebombing of the historic city of Dresden), probably had encouraged Truman. Mr. Frank is in good company in believing the tripe taught in our schools. If the government says it, it must be true.
By thomas billis, November 19, 2007 at 11:27 am # Mrt Durst is right somewhat.The people we do not want to get nuclear weapons are in oil producing regions.If they get nuclear weapons we will not be able to invade to get control of their oil.It is incredibly naive to imagine that if Iran gets nuclear weapons they immediately have the ability the ability to attacks us.The Iranians also know if a nuclear bomb went off in one of our cities and had an Iranian fingerprint on it Iran would be a parking lot in 45 minutes.The whole nuclear imbroglio in the middle east is about oil.Gen Abizaid has said that living with a nuclear Iran is not undoable.Children please read anything that has anything to do with middle east through oil tinted glasses and all will become clear.
By AlexScriabin, November 19, 2007 at 10:58 am # The policy is actually fairly simple. Those who have the nukes are tolerated. I think the world calls it non-proliferation policy.
By 1drees, November 19, 2007 at 4:17 am # “The rule is simple: The good guys get the nukes, the bad guys don’t. And who decides who’s naughty and who’s nice? Not Santa—it’s the Decider.” Unfortunately the “DECIDER"s cannot fathom that most people NEVER did accept them as the DECIDER, due to their EXTRA THICK SKULLS being used by the DECIDERs WORD TO THE WISE: MOST PEOPLE CAN THINK AND USUALLY THEY REALLY DO THINK FOR THEMSELVES AND THEN THEY DECIDE WHAT TO DO INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR A “DECIDER” OR WAITING TILL THEY GET A “DECIDER” unlike some Americans. and Hence the GIGANTICALLY over-inflated EGOs of the “DECIDER” coz nobody ever thought much of him till recently. and everything is decided by the “DECIDER” and that too he DECIDED, btw who’s SANTA? oh! the every overweight unemployed that wears red around December? ( just a very famous joke about TEXAS, they say everything is BIG in texas, and seems the IDIOTs are bigger as well) Add Your Comment |
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