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God’s Only Party

Posted on Oct 7, 2007

By Will Durst

Last week, a clandestine cadre of controlling conservative Christian captains (bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs is what I’m getting at) threatened to run from the GOP like ducks from an alligator the size of a Buick if any infidel they don’t anoint is nominated for president. And yes, a specific former New York City mayor was mentioned. Funny you should ask.

At a meeting in Salt Lake City (where else—you thought Vegas maybe?) Heaven’s Soldiers collectively decided they would rather support a burned-beyond-recognition, duckbill platypus with wire-coat-hanger hands than a certain Mr. Rudolph Giuliani. Apparently the Mayor of 9/11 is not the answer to their prayers.

Oh, they have their reasons. Giuliani’s serial inclination to appear at fundraisers in drag, resulting in his being photographed wearing a dress more often than Hillary Clinton, could be one. His brazen courting of the pro-choice, pro-gay rights, pro-gun control wing of the Republican Party might be another. The fact that the Rudy clan, including both ex-wives (two too many), are campaigning for other people doesn’t help much either. A bit of a sticky wicket that: trying to swing Independents with your Family Value bona fides when your own family hates you. With megaphones.

The zealot heads went so far as to talk out loud about forming their very own party if Giuliani does weasel his way to the top of the ticket. And since white Protestant evangelicals make up a third of the electorate in the early primary states of Iowa and South Carolina, they believe the threat of mass defection is too big a bluff for the GOP leadership to call. Because, as we all know, a Republican Party without Christian conservatives is like a snake handler with no snake. A scorpion minus the stinger. Hell without dental surgery.

You might think this is one of those cut off your nose to spite your face kind of deals, because, well, it is. But evangelicals are sick and tired of being taken for granted, and count on party bigwigs to remember how Ross Perot threw the 1992 and ’96 elections to Bill Clinton. Which in those kinds of Kool-Aid circle jerks is like handing the keys of your children’s soul to Satan in exchange for a bucket of deep-fried Twinkies. But let’s leave Bush’s fiscal policy out of this.

Not only are some dogmatic noses severely out of joint from having the door of implemented policy change slammed in their apostolistic faces, but they also have a few canonistic bones to pick with some of their recent higher-profile disciples like Mark Foley, David Vitter, Larry Craig and the Creator’s own personal mouthpiece, Ted Haggard. Guys whose newsreels feature more extracurricular sexual footage than you’d run into at the Moonlight Bunny Ranch during an after-hours party for the Adult Video Awards.

Of course, if they do form a third party, the big question is what to call it. “The Holier Than Thou Party” is a bit put-offish. “God’s Only Party” would be confusing, especially if the media tried to acronym it. “The Everyone Has to Live Like We Think They Should Live Party” is probably too long. I did come up with the perfect name, but unfortunately “The Taliban” is already taken.

Durst’s solo show, “The All-American Sport of Bipartisan Bashing,” off-Broadway at the New World Stages, is scheduled to close Oct. 14.

TAGS: christian church conservatives durst elections evangelicals giuliani gop media politics primary republicans

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By Louise, October 11, 2007 at 9:18 am #
(761 comments total)

Great Article! [chuckle]
Great Posts! [More chuckles]

As far as naming the new party ...

“Holy Roller Coaster Poster Party” [#105649 by Anambrose] has got to be my personal favorite!
Although Zealots Zapping Zingers for Zion [ZZZZ ....] might be fun.

On a slightly more serious note, did you check out the repub debate? Seems Romney cant quite grasp the concept of Constitutional government. A fact totally un-noticed by the ZZZZ ...’ing “HRCPP.” They were far more worried about his “Mormon” views. Remember, this “clandestine cadre of controlling conservative Christian captains ... bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs” don’t accept “Mormonism” as a legitimate Christian Church.

But then any group that was born following the teachings of pedophiles and perverts and Barbie Dolls in Blue wigs, not to mention “Pharisees” [money changers] has a long way to go before they can be defined as a legitimate Christian Church.

Well unless you subscribe to the notion that Jesus lived to die to live again so he could teach his disciples how to lie and steal and kill and all that other fun stuff that goes along with being at the fore-front of “Christian” inspired, republican leadership led WAR, in this new century. Which is beginning to look a lot like a very old century ... like the Dark Ages ... but I digress.

http://www.thenation.com/blogs/thebeat?pid=241385

“The question in Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate in Michigan came from MSNBC host Chris Matthews, who asked, “Governor Romney… if you were president of the United States, would you need to go to Congress to get authorization to take military action against Iran’s nuclear facilities?”

“Romney responded, “You sit down with your attorneys and (they) tell you what you have to do. But obviously the president of the United States has to do what’s in the best interest of the United States to protect us against a potential threat. The president did that as he was planning on moving into Iraq and received the authorization of Congress...”

[You sit down with your attorneys??!!!]

“Matthews interjected: “Did (President Bush) need (a go-ahead from Congress)?”

“You know,” Romney replied, “we’re going to let the lawyers sort out what he needed to do and what he didn’t need to do.”

Most of the other GOP contenders paid at least a measure of lip service to Constitutional niceties ...”

So there you go! Our walking breathing wannabes know squat about Constitutional Law!

Now I ask you, is that qualification for president? Crap, that’s not even qualification for entry level paper shuffling in a bureaucracy!

As far as God goes ... I suspect he packed his bags and headed for the outer rim years ago! Having reached the point where “saving” them was more trouble than it’s worth!

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By not_evangelical, October 10, 2007 at 9:29 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Hezbollah, the party of God, is also taken.

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By BobZ, October 10, 2007 at 11:32 am #
(88 comments total)

We can only pray that Dobson takes his follower’s out of the Republican party. The party turned Goldwater into a liberal, deified Reagan, and ignores the giants of the Republican Party - Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, & Dwight Eisenhower. If you’re a moderate and believe in tolerance you are persona non grata in the GOP these days. George W. Bush has taken his party back to the Joe McCarthy era of paranoia and jingoism. Many of us former Republican’s would like to rejoin the party but not this version.

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By NYT 9237723, October 10, 2007 at 8:15 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

No, Reason (#105514), G-d did not give us all a brain. He gave some of us a brain; the rest are fundamentalists.

Douglas Chalmers (105578): Ron Paul is absolutely correct. The US is heading to a dollar collapse, and it may be sooner than we think. We need to end the war, for a start.

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By gradioc, October 9, 2007 at 2:24 pm #
(12 comments total)

John Ott, you’re absolutely right, I forgot Brownback converted to Catholicism (he just looks like such a good Methodist). But no matter. If we get him excited enough, he might still call Gulianni a Papist. Like Dr. Strangelove giving the Nazi salute, the habits of youth die hard.

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By dale Headley, October 9, 2007 at 9:38 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

In the 17th century, Europeans had rejected the Calvinistic brand of Christianity, because it conflicted with the prevailing Deist (natural religion) view. So the Calvinist Presbyterians (Puritans) packed up their bags and headed for America where they could practice their intolerant brand of religion - burning “witches” (recalcitrant females) and hanging Quakers - unimpeded. Alas, along came the Deists again, in the form of the northern mercantilists and politicians (Jefferson, Franklin, Washington, etc.). As a result, they were forced into the southern part of the counry where they perpetuated and expanded slavery, and instituted their narrow religious dogma. Those people remain today, largely ensconsed in the south, from whence they exert disproportionate power on the political scene through their extraordinary zeal. But history is still against them; the rest of the world has already rejected them; and America will also - eventually.

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By ocjim, October 9, 2007 at 9:05 am #
(357 comments total)

#105649 by Anambrose and new name for GOP:

Grand Fraud of America (GFOA)
Grand Old Fraud (GOF)
Associates in Propaganda (AIP)
Voice of Plutocrats (VOP)
Front Against the Poor (FATP)
Compassion Very Limited (CVL)

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By Leefeller, October 9, 2007 at 6:01 am #
(1233 comments total)

To bad Tammy Fay went to the big cosmetic store in the sky, the conservative church could have had a women run against Hillary. Of course meeting in Salt Lake City, tells us that women should not be seen nor heard. Anyway they are upset about the 911 guy running on the Republicans ticket, they want something a little more to their liking, a pure Christian with scripture bubbling from his lips, so why don’t they promote Haggard? He would help them get the gay vote plus he is married at the same time, oh! I forgot about Crag? It is so hard to find someone in their own image, guess personal god will not run even for them.

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By John Borowski, October 9, 2007 at 4:49 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

The problem that I see in the new party is I doubt god will vote for it.

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By Anambrose, October 8, 2007 at 9:18 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Maybe they will have a contest for the new party best name.
Holy Roller Coaster Poster Party.
That’s HRCPP and phonetically pronounced hrecipp which when chanted over and over by the thousands of the brainwashed will sound like Bullfrogs in the Spring.

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By Douglas Chalmers, October 8, 2007 at 2:26 pm #
(2932 comments total)

“residential candidate Ron Paul has made a dire prediction that the dollar could collapse to absolute zero - precipitating hyper inflation, soaring oil prices and a global economic depression if current policies are continued........

“Once they realize the American people have awakened to the con game that’s been going on - I think those people running the banking and monetary system aren’t going to be too happy,” Paul told the Alex Jones Show on Friday.......

The Texas Congressman forecasts that if current policies are prolonged, the dollar could crash all the way to nothing and be forced to start over....” http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/october2007/08100 7_dollar_collapse.htm

ounds like the Republican presidential candidates have finally started to realise that continuing to support the greed-is-good corporations which have ruined America has just about cost them their individual personal political futures. They have a long way to go to catch up but they are fighting back the only way they know how - by ruthlessly damaging their enemies’ reputations!

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By boggs, October 8, 2007 at 12:15 pm #
(194 comments total)

Ever since the death (thank God!) of Jerry Falwell, the Evangelicals have been keeping God so busy.
Poor God, no more of those “seventh day for rest” it’s just busy, busy, busy.
God becomes the crutch for all the weak who have no conscience and have trouble remembering the ten commandments.

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By tomack, October 8, 2007 at 11:34 am #
(58 comments total)

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the lord my vote to keep,
And if I move to Canada before I wake,
I pray the Lord my vote to take.

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By memphisden, October 8, 2007 at 10:28 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Put the capital ‘Z’ back on zealot and you’d pretty much have it. My guess is they will ultimately warm up to [grow fond of] Rudy and so then they could be called ‘Giulicans’ or the ‘Giuliban’ - but Giulicans is a prettier sounding word and they do like to dress up pretty.

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By C Quil, October 8, 2007 at 10:03 am #
(89 comments total)

“...it seems God whispered in the ears of certain evangelical leaders.”

I think they have medication for that kind of thing now.

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By oregoncharles, October 8, 2007 at 9:58 am #
(10 comments total)

On the Fundies starting their own party:

Yes, thank you, please.

Nothing could be better for the country, as it would guarantee that the Republicans would be a minor party for some time to come.

It would also counterbalance the Greens, who intend to make a serious run next year, and raise the candidate count, lowering the bar for a plurality.

In other words, we’d be looking at a President with maybe 20% of the vote.

This is a good thing? Yes, because it would make clear to all how disfunctional our electoral system is, leading to national IRV. It would also give the Greens a shot at the Presidency.

The bad thing is that it would give even the Republicans a shot. On the other hand, there’s a limit to the damage an extreme-minority president can do, especially with a hostile Congress containing a number of minor-party members.

I’m REALLY looking forward to next year’s election.

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By reason, October 8, 2007 at 8:37 am #
(49 comments total)

If this article wasn’t so possible it would be hilarious. I am not fan of Rudi but I like the the right wing christians about as much as like the taliban. The Constitutional guarantees mean nothing to these people. I am not anti Christian but I am anti extremist. God gave us all a brain and the ability to choose, it seems some people would prefer he hadn’t.

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By farmertx, October 8, 2007 at 7:47 am #
(473 comments total)

Seeing as how our Country was founded on the basis of separation of Church and State (for reasons that should be obvious after this administration) maybe they’d be happiest moving to a country where the Church does control the State.
As to the GOP bending to their will, that will happen the day after Hell freezes over. The GOP listens only to the money.
And yes, the Democrats are imitating them in that respect.
Makes a dark horse or 3rd party candidate seem more attractive.

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By PACRAT, October 8, 2007 at 6:49 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Thank you Rudy for Supporting the Separation of Political Evangelicals and Religion

Forget Gulliani, he’s irrelevant to the republican party and certainly to the country! However, he has inadvertenly stimulated the attention of several so-called leaders of the neo-evangelist branch of neo-con republicanism! Both are perversions - one of church, the other of state.

One of the best things that could happen in this round of elections is if ordinary citizens would just pry the fingers of these nutters from their necks and breathe freely again.

How did the neo-evangelists capture the republican party? Of course, President Bush provided the golden opportunity for them to move in for the kill. Yes, they are killing republicanism and, if they aren’t slowed down and stopped, even of our country.

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By Leefeller, October 8, 2007 at 6:22 am #
(1233 comments total)

“a clandestine cadre of controlling conservative Christian captains”

Paints a picture in me minds eye, of a room full of large wooden crosses, plenty of coiled rope and the white sheets hanging on hooks in the corner of a meeting room in their decadent temple .

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By ocjim, October 8, 2007 at 5:49 am #
(357 comments total)

Perhaps your tone is too sardonic Will. The fundies were exploited by BushCo and probably didn’t even know it. Should we poke fun at them or try to reform them. Poking fun is not Christion-like but then again reform doesn’t work. They aren’t listening either way. Oh, well.

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By Grousefeather, October 8, 2007 at 5:26 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Voltaire: “The first devine was the first rogue who met the first fool.”

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By John Ott, October 8, 2007 at 3:51 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Brownback is a covert to Cathoicism....I doubt he’d call anyone a Papist.

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By thomas billis, October 8, 2007 at 3:25 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

They ought to call their group"The Check Your Brains At The Door Party”.Mccain did and now Giuliani will.George Bush wii have no problem joining he has nothing to check.

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By driving bear, October 7, 2007 at 8:02 pm #
(234 comments total)

The ability of the left to delude themselves never ceases to surprise me. The christian right leadership decided to support Mike Huckabee in the GOP primary. With the christian rights’s support Huckabee has a legitimate shot of winning the GOP primary. Even if he does not, Rudi will still play ball with the christian right. Rudi has stated publicly that he would appoint “Strict Constructionist “ Judges to the bench. Strict constructionist is code for pro-life traditional values judges. Rudi may personally be pro choice , pro gay etc.. , but he’s no fool if caving to the christian right on the social issues is the price he has to pay to win the white house , he more than willing to pay it because he knows he has no chance without the christian rights support and the christian right knows if the choice is him or Clinton , he is the lesser of two evils.

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By gradioc, October 7, 2007 at 5:31 pm #
(12 comments total)

You know what would be fun? Since these guys are so proud to declare their disbelief in evoloution on religious grounds, lets pin them down on other thorny points of Christian dogma, like Substantiation of the Eucharist and Justification by Faith Alone. Maybe we can get a good doonybrook going and one of the Protestants will call Catholic Dogma “superstitious claptrap”. I bet it wouldn’t be too hard to get Brownback to say “Papist” to Gulianni. Or maybe we could get Huckabee to state his true opinion of Mormonism while staring down Romney. The sad fact is they all believe that only their particular sect understands God and everybody else is bound for Hell, no matter how moral and upright they may be.

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By mary, October 7, 2007 at 5:23 pm #
(197 comments total)

Great post! We can only hope for a right-wingnut third party. That way we can diminish the strangle hold since Ronnie boy, and maybe, just maybe we’ll see some common sense bubble up thru the rot. I’ve got to believe real leaders will return to take back our Democracy. Of course, I could be wrong.......

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By Douglas Chalmers, October 7, 2007 at 4:55 pm #
(2932 comments total)

#105392 by gradioc on 10/07 at 2:25 pm: “… In “God’s Party”, instead of an apostrophe I saw the Trademark “TM” sign....”

Ya mean they’re into “transcendental meditation”???

#”...a clandestine cadre of controlling conservative Christian captains (bunch of right-wing religious nut jobs… “God’s Only Party...”

Yeah, right! Only thing is that God doesn’t run a church or a political party!

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By gradioc, October 7, 2007 at 2:25 pm #
(12 comments total)

Thank God (irony intended) the republicans figured out a way to create their own Naderite “agree with me on everything or I’ll take my ball and go home” splinter party.

Who do you think they’ll nominate? Would Brownback bolt? Oh PLEASE, PLEASE, PUL-LEEESE let it be Brownback. He’s as irrational and science-denying as anyone in the bunch. Much hilarity will ensue.

Adding to my giggles, I get Truthdig’s headines on my Yahoo page and sometimes my browser has a problem with Yahoo’s puntuation. In “God’s Party”, instead of an apostrophe I saw the Trademark “TM” sign. Seemed very appropriate for a bunch who think they have exclusive rights to the almigthty.

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