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Thompson Quits to Spend More Time With His Nap

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Posted on Sep 15, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

Saying that he was “totally exhausted and drained,” former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson withdrew from the race for the Republican presidential nomination today.

Mr. Thompson’s move surprised supporters and rivals alike, since the Tennessean had announced his candidacy just a week earlier.

But in his announcement, Mr. Thompson made it clear that the “punishing” schedule of a presidential candidate was not to his liking: “I am putting in seven, sometimes eight-hour days, and that is not what I signed up for.”

When asked when he began having second thoughts about his decision to run for president, the former senator replied, “I’d say halfway through my announcement on the Leno show—I could definitely feel myself fading.”

The erstwhile candidate said that his week on the campaign trail made him long for his days as an actor on the NBC series “Law and Order.”


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“We’d find out that there was a murder, and bam, an hour later it was quittin’ time,” he said.

Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, offered this comment on Mr. Thompson’s surprising decision: “This should end the debate over whether Fred Thompson is ‘lazy like a fox’ or just plain old lazy.”

For his part, Mr. Thompson scoffed when a reporter asked if he was departing the race to spend more time with his family.

“Oh, please, that’s even more exhausting than running for president,” he said. “Right now I just want a nap.”

Elsewhere, intelligence experts say that Osama bin Laden’s physical appearance in his new video indicates that he is alive and planning to date.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.

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By Marie, September 19, 2007 at 10:48 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I thought it was for real. Nothing surprises me anymore in politics.

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By DM, September 16, 2007 at 8:21 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Even an actor would have a tough time sinking to the lows of the current president when it comes to working time.  The most powerful man in the world “works” an 8 or 9 our day and takes 2 months or so holidays per year to recover ... while the last 20 years of “productivity” gains have been manifest in ever longer working hours for all and two income families as the norm.

Is there something wrong here?

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By thomas billis, September 15, 2007 at 3:38 pm Link to this comment
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If Fred Thompson worked two consecutive weeks in the White House the current White house would call it slave labor.I say we make a law that if you run for President it is illegal to own a ranch.

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By nwmuse, September 15, 2007 at 1:08 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This was hilarious! I didn’t get that it was satire right away and scrambled all over the internet to see if there was anything else about it anywhere.

Well done! Funny.

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By squidink, September 15, 2007 at 9:41 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

this would be funny, if i didn’t wish that it were true.

instead, i’m way disappointed. i really thought it was possible that mr. cancer had left the building.

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