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June 19, 2013
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 Cheney: What I Did on My Summer VacationPosted on Jul 29, 2007Vice President Dick Cheney, having briefly assumed President Bush’s duties while the president underwent a routine colon procedure on Saturday [June 21], told reporters the next day that he “enjoyed the downtime immensely.” The 2 hours and 15 minutes spent doing Bush’s job were “incredibly relaxing,” Cheney said, adding that they were a welcome relief from his exacting vice presidential schedule. Invoking the 25th Amendment to the Constitution that morning, Bush transferred to Cheney all of his presidential responsibilities, which meant that Cheney spent the day jogging, going to the gym and hitting a ball for Bush’s dog to retrieve. In addition, Cheney called the nations of East Timor and Luxembourg “evil,” stumbling briefly over the pronunciation of Luxembourg. Finally, as Bush’s colon procedure was winding down, Cheney made some remarks about the Japanese economy, mistakenly using the word devaluation instead of deflation, sending the Nikkei stock market into a tailspin. Advertisement As for the president, Bush’s doctors pronounced his procedure a success but said that they were having difficulty determining whether or not the president’s anesthesia had fully worn off. Bush’s doctors indicated that when they asked the president the standard post-operative questions—such as, “What is the capital of the United States?”—Bush got only two out of five correct. “Before the operation, he got three out of five right,” one doctor said. Elsewhere, a Mexican candy has been recalled after being found to contain traces of lead, in a sign of Mexico’s ongoing effort to compete with China’s candy industry. Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.” © 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.  Previous item: Sun Shines Again on Chez Vidal Next item: Will ‘They’ Let Obama Win? New and Improved CommentsIf you have trouble leaving a comment, review this help page. Still having problems? Let us know. If you find yourself moderated, take a moment to review our comment policy. |
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By purplewolf, August 1, 2007 at 1:33 pm Link to this comment
The accurate schedule of Cheneys two hour fifteen minutes of being the president:
00:00-00:15- Install new updated listening devices and cameras throughout entire Whitehouse to make sure nothing is missed while spying on G.W. Never know when he will slip up and say something stupid that I will have to fix later on. Buy the rest of the big oil companies I don’t own yet. Hide it under more funding bills for Iraq and let the taxpayers foot the bill.
00:15-00:30- Abuse Barney. Never liked animals anyway. Make sure my kingdom is ready and waiting when I arrive after I have G.W. declared mentally unfit to continue to serve America as president. Offer China 25% cash for all of the debt G.W. has borrowed from them to pay for this folly. They will be more than happy to get something now instead of nothing later when we can not pay them and I will truely be the new owner of America. Then I can do everything I want to with it.Like sell it to the highest bidder.
00:30-01:00- I’ve worked hard and have more than earned a break. The illegal Whitehouse staffers will fan me so I will not overheat and over exert my battery pack. I will have a my nails sharpened on my hands and hooves.Have brunch. Round up all those I consider unworthy of existance and send them to some of FEMA’S *new relocation centers(American concentration camps) for disposal of, turn them into fertilizer, sell that to the Middle Eastern nations to grow their crops with.
01:00-01:30- I have been informed that my investments have taken a plunge. Time to print more money to ship to Dubai and make up some more false reasons to get more goverment contracts for Halliburton and myself. Make new laws declaring anyone with the name George cannot be president of America, because I said so. Stir up the simple minded about emotional issues and put up more smokescreens so they won’t know what I am doing. An easy task as the public is already terrified of it’s own shadow.
01:30-02:00- Preform secret hidden rituals to the dark ones to insure me POWER over the whole world.
Consult with my sources(ouija board,mystics, psychics,card readers,tea leaves,Hitler’s ghost,Ms. Cleo) and last but not least the intelligence gathers we used since before the 2000 election.
02:00-02:15- Put everything away and act innocent. The hardest thing I ever had to do. Greet the President, for now until my takeover.
* google FEMA relocation camps. Find out where they are and what they are for.It’s past time to wake up America.
Report thisBy Douglas Chalmers, July 31, 2007 at 3:00 pm Link to this comment
#91153 by ashamedAmerican on 7/31 at 1:31 pm: “This is brilliantly funny! Unfortunately, its also entirely believable, with a great deal of truth to it….”
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#90959 by rage on 7/30 at 7:20 pm: “The important point to keep in mind is that the evil cantankerous sith Lord Cheney didnt DIE during his Dark Side hiatus .....For, this week, Darth Cheneys cardio-power cell has exhibited some unforeseen oxidation and near full power depletion. Darth Cheney has actually been returned to his bionic maintenance rack….”
Oh goody, now we can have “bionic” Neocons ......and just shove ‘em on to the ‘rack’ when they mis-behave…..ha ha!!!
Report thisBy ashamedAmerican, July 31, 2007 at 2:31 pm Link to this comment
This is brilliantly funny! Unfortunately, it’s also entirely believable, with a great deal of truth to it.
Report thisBy rage, July 30, 2007 at 8:20 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
The important point to keep in mind is that the evil cantankerous sith Lord Cheney didn’t DIE during his Dark Side hiatus. Though, he obviously oppressively tyrannized serfdom with a more ardent fist of iron than even he realized last week. For, this week, Darth Cheney’s cardio-power cell has exhibited some unforeseen oxidation and near full power depletion. Darth Cheney has actually been returned to his bionic maintenance rack at the undisclosed location for an emergency specialized servicing. So, America just might be getting that first comforting breeze of the winds of political change.
Death and burial of the REAL Decider, maybe?
Report thisBy QuyTran, July 30, 2007 at 6:37 pm Link to this comment
2 hours and 15 minutes are enough for him to dig his own grave ! It doesn’t need too deep so it could avoid polluting soil !
Report thisBy Erica, July 30, 2007 at 11:30 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Can this administration do something that promotes our country and this world’s well-being? 78% of Americans agree that fighting global poverty would be a good solution to fighting terrorism? is either Cheney or Bush listening?
Report thisBy MCM, July 29, 2007 at 10:43 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
THEY BOTH NEED TO ATTEND 12-STEP PROGRAMS INSTEAD OF ATTEMPTING TO “LEAD” A COUNTRY—A GUISE TO POORLY COVER UP THEIR ENDLESS MONEY-GRUBBING, POWER-HUNGRY ADDICTIONS.
Report thisBy Louise, July 29, 2007 at 6:48 pm Link to this comment
Andy!
Best yet!
Report thisHow about an explanation of Cheneys battery pack!
Is it rust, or is he just buying the wrong brand?
By THOMAS BILLIS, July 29, 2007 at 6:28 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Who knew when this pair was elected you were getting two morons for the price of one.What a bargain.They should have kept Bush awake during the colonoscopy so he could feel what the rest of us have been feeling for 7 yrs.
Report thisBy Douglas Chalmers, July 29, 2007 at 2:04 pm Link to this comment
Quote: “...The two hours and fifteen minutes spent doing Bush’s job were “incredibly relaxing,” Cheney said…..’
A. Shows just how hard Bush really does work…..
B. That is old news already: WASHINGTON (AP)—“Vice President Dick Cheney will undergo a minor surgical procedure Saturday to replace the battery in the special pacemaker he has in his chest…” http://edition.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/07/27/cheney.ap/index.html You’d think a person with that many health problems would be a little more considerate of the rest of the human race, too, duh - but, no, just keep “staying the course” and bringing home those body bags, etc etc!?!?
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