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 Satire: Cheney Hides in Plain SightPosted on Jul 7, 2007In a bold new strategy to avoid a congressional subpoena, Vice President Dick Cheney today declared himself a national monument. Mr. Cheney took the unorthodox step only after failing in his attempt to invoke a little-known legal principle called the separation of Cheney and state. Aides to Mr. Cheney confirmed that being a national monument gives the vice president not only immunity from subpoenas but also a draft deferment in perpetuity. President George W. Bush presided over a solemn White House ceremony this morning in which a plaque documenting Mr. Cheney’s status as a national monument was affixed to the vice president’s midsection. Joining the ranks of the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial, Mr. Cheney is believed to be the only landmark in the nation’s capital not made at least partially out of marble. Advertisement Perhaps in an effort to control the crowds, Mr. Cheney announced today that the admission price for seeing him would be set at $75,000. White House spokesman Tony Snow defended the $75,000 price tag, saying that it was an appropriate price to see a national monument of Dick Cheney’s stature. “Seventy-five thousand dollars is what it costs to see Dick Cheney,” Mr. Snow said. “Just ask any lobbyist.” Elsewhere, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff said that everyone in the United States should go about their normal activities, “except you terrorists.” Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.” © 2007 Creators Syndicate Previous item: Gore Vidal Sounds Off on Solar Power Caper Next item: Mike Jones on Ted Haggard and Hypocrisy Elsewhere: . CommentsAre you a Truthdig member yet? Login now, or register with Truthdig. Add Your Comment
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By KANUEAR, July 12, 2007 at 10:38 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
So here is another serious but comical slap in the American face. Just remember that in years and generations to come your offspring may end up worshipping the image of PRESIDENT cheney. Bow down or risk getting shot in the face. ????
Report thisBy charles, July 11, 2007 at 5:13 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
SAND BLAST HIS ASS.
Report thisBy Louise, July 11, 2007 at 12:22 pm #
Actually Cheney as the New National Monument is a political diversion.
Just ask The folks at: Republicans Engaged in General and Unnecessary Rightwing Garbage Introduced Through Attack and Tarnish Everywhere
(REGURGITATE)
whose guiding principles include “protect and preserve the big lie” and “if it’s good, it’s bad.”
REGURGITATE has been looking for him so they can carve this fitting tribute in his base ... “Here Stands The Proof That Lying Pays”
... but can’t find him anywhere.
Word has it that he has actually been converted into a wind-up toy. The perfect solution for the fearless who live in fear of Cheney actually being forced to tell the truth.
Using his existing wiring, electrical and computer engineers have been able to convert him with just a few minor adjustments. Programming him with a few necessary phrases such as, “I didn’t do it,” and, “I don’t know,” and, “I swear ... so help me ... I swear ... so help me .. [their having a little trouble getting that one to work]
Meanwhile, the scientists who pulled off this marvel announced they are still working on planting a permanent smile on Cheney’s face, and once that is accomplished he will be unveiled to the public.
But Cheney’s former aide Scooter Libby commented [from an undisclosed location where he is being de-memorized] “I don’t think its a good idea to put a smile on his face, Nobody will recognize him.” Which probably doesn’t matter because soon, Scooter wont remember Cheney anyway.
Report thisBy Nitro, July 10, 2007 at 1:04 am #
Since they put a big plaque on his chest, ought to make for a pretty good target. Since they still run like wild dogs, maybe we can get the worthless Congress to pass a law making it open season on Dick Heads!
As I’m sure that is what the plaque will say. If it isn’t already, there ought to be a law against Dick Heads in this country. At least an open hunting season to keep the population controlled to a minimum. If it would make them feel any better, we could put plaques on them all.
Report thisBy chelemer, July 9, 2007 at 9:49 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
It was bound to happen: the retards got their men elected.
Report thisBy cann4ing, July 9, 2007 at 8:25 pm #
Sam, the operations were an exercise in plausible deniability. The Cheney machine was simply getting recharged. It remains, cold, heartless and focused on one thing—power, pure, total power.
Report thisBy SamSnedegar, July 9, 2007 at 12:00 pm #
No part of him made of marble? are you saying that he has no heart? If THAT’S so then what are all those cardiac medical expenses for?
Ah the adventures of Sneerman and Idiot Boy. Don’t jail them; send them to Iraq without three armored divisions and two air wings to guard them. And if they need transport, they always have a Scooter.
Report thisBy ctbrandon, July 9, 2007 at 10:00 am #
How sad is it that I wasnt entirely sure this was satire until I read the title again to confirm?
brandon
Report thishttp://www.actforyourself.org
By davr, July 9, 2007 at 4:25 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Bush is an asshole, of course.
Cheney is a prick, of course.
The Bush/Republicans are all traitors to our country, of course.
The Zionist Jews and dispensationalist Christians are warmongering idiots, of course.
I am a human, of course.
That is the Truth.
Report thisBy GW=MCHammered, July 8, 2007 at 5:03 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
Yeah but just like Dick, I’m optimistic about America! Why? Because…
Gas prices are better now than before the Iraq invasion. Then it was only $1 per gallon. At least at $3 per gallon, I don’t have to worry about oil company execs starving!
Housing’s never been more affordable too, about 14,000 x Federal Minimum Wage in the 70s and now only 52,000 times. And today, they’ll even loan you the down payment. Affordability is such an outdated word!
Wages skyrocketed nearly 3 1/2% per year over the past thirty years while college tuition and healthcare have only gone up 5%, maybe 6% per year matching the growth of government. No wonder we’re all living longer. Heck, Benjamin Franklin only lived to 84, Thomas Jefferson to 83, George Washington 67, Andrew Jackson 78, John Adams 91, Socrates 71, Plato 79, Ptolemy I 84. We’re sooooo taken care of!
In the mid 70s we ended an unjust, all too-long war and a corrupt president stepped down. But not today, uh-uh, no friggin’ way. Just stay the course, stupid!
My first brand new car I bought free and clear when I was 18 because the new car was only 1200 times my minimum wage. Now a cheap new car is only 1700 times minimum wage. But loans are much longer than the two-year maximum allowed term when I snagged mine. And about a third of all cars nowadays are rented… I mean leased. How cool is that!
High school graduation rates are stagnate to down over the past 35 years but at least kids can get credit cards when they don’t graduate. I couldn’t get one for years after graduating even though I worked more than full time. In fact, I didn’t even know what a credit score was until nearly 30 years old because, I didn’t need credit. Thank you rich folk for loaning our kids money to live instead of paying them their worth!
Yes, for these and many other accepted-as-good delusions run amok, I’m soooo friggin’ optimistic about the future of America!
Report thisBy John Rogers, July 8, 2007 at 3:31 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
Cheney isn’t worthy of comment.
Report thisBy cann4ing, July 8, 2007 at 2:41 pm #
I am all for making Cheney a “permanent” national monument while at the same time upholding the rule of law. The problem is that it would be difficult to try Cheney before a “jury of his peers” since he has no peers, other than the Prince of Darkness, who is not eligle to serve on a jury as the Prince is not a U.S. citizen. Anyway, after he is found guilty of crimes against humanity, since it would be impossible to terminate the life of the heartless SOB, the appropriate punishment would be to encase him in cement and place his statue in front of the White House. Beneath it should be the words: “A warning to all who would abuse their power and betray their solemn oath to support and defend the Constitution of these United States and who would subvert the rule of law.”
Report thisBy Skruff, July 8, 2007 at 8:34 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
No matter how many social programs taxpayers fund, life will never be fair. Dic Cheney will move to a mansion in Jackson Hole with a wonderful view of the mountains and live out the rest of his life there, and when he dies Some pundent will writea column for the New York Times telling how he was a “Strong” “Independent” American with terrific family values…something like the column William Safire wrote about Spiro Agnew after Agnew’s demise.
Report thisBy Bukko in Australia, July 8, 2007 at 5:39 am #
Since Dick Cheney is now a national monument, we MUST get him to stand still so tourists can see him. After all, what other monument is mobile? I think we should find a nice cell in Fort Leavenworth, Kansas to accomodate him.
It would be nice if he could be on one of those dunking stools where people could fling baseballs to send him into the water, especially if he had a plastic bag tied over his head so he couldn’t breathe once he was submerged. It’s called “waterboarding,” as you know, and Cheney referred to it an interview as “a little dunk in the water.”
But I suppose one can’t ask for everything. So I’ll settle for a permanent installation at Leavenworth. At least until his pacemaker stops working. Then we can put Cheney in the ground where he belongs. Underneath a urinal…
Report thisBy THOMAS BILLIS, July 8, 2007 at 12:37 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
If Dick Cheney is a national monument I envy the pigeons at least they get a chance to shit on him.
Report thisBy minamoto no taira, July 7, 2007 at 11:35 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
A national monument…that is is still invisible from Google Earth.
Report thisBy GB, July 7, 2007 at 10:36 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
I will not vote for any politician who doesn’t support HR333, the House of Representatives call to impeach Dick Cheney. If Dick Cheney’s actions are legal then everyone in jail should be let go. 54% of Americans want him impeached. If the Democrats are waiting for more reasons besides the obvious to do what the American people want, they will find themselves voted out in ‘08.
Report thisBy QuyTran, July 7, 2007 at 10:34 pm #
He should declare himself as….national extinct species !
Report thisBy Chaseme, July 7, 2007 at 9:38 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
As long as there is not a budget created to clean the new National Monument, and the pigeons are allowed to shit all over it without cleaning, the idea is okay with me.
However, we all know that cheney has thought this thing through and Halliburton with get the cleaning contract, costing the American taxpayers millions, if not billions to clean the pigeon shit off the new National Monument’s hoo-a yai!
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