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Satire: Congress Hires Illegals to Write Immigration BillPosted on Jun 17, 2007In an attempt to break the nagging logjam over immigration, congressional leaders announced today that they were hiring illegal immigrants to write the nation’s new immigration bill. While some observers criticized the decision to employ illegals to draft the very bill that would regulate themselves, Sen. John Kyl, R-Ariz., said that the move was a “win-win” for the American people. “No one understands the thorny issue of immigration better than the people who have been sneaking into our country,” Kyl said. “Plus, these folks work cheap.” One outspoken critic of the plan was CNN’s Lou Dobbs, who blasted Congress for putting illegal immigrants in charge of the nation’s immigration laws. “This would be the equivalent of CNN outsourcing my xenophobic rants to Bangalore,” Dobbs said. Advertisement The illegals will remain in the country long enough to write the new immigration laws, after which they will be permitted to run for election for permanent congressman status. Juan Carmelo Gutierrez, 35, a former migrant worker who is taking advantage of the “guest congressman” program, says that while drafting the nation’s immigration laws is arduous work, he still prefers it to his previous job. “Being a congressman is definitely easier than picking fruit,” says Gutierrez. “Plus, you get most of the year off.” Elsewhere, the New England Journal of Medicine reports that people who play excessive amounts of Nintendo Wii may experience shoulder pain and may also never lose their virginity. Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.” © 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc. Elsewhere: . CommentsAre you a Truthdig member yet? Login now, or register with Truthdig. Add Your Comment
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By grob, June 21, 2007 at 12:52 pm #
Nagging logjam? What, on legislation to stop the Flood of illegal immigration? No one writing this bill is interested in stopping the flood of cheap labor immigration. They all want it. The only difference is that Democrats want to make them citizens faster—- thinking they will vote Democratic. Republican’s want in addition to the 12 to 20 million illegal immigrants legalized, but an additional 200 to 400 thousand guest workers.
Now, both parties promised the People in 1986 that that comprehensive immigration bill (Amnesty, border security and employer sanctions) would stem the tide of illegal immigration which at that time was only 3 million. Of course only the Amnesty part was implemented. And the flood increased. The promises about increased border security and employers sanctions were lies. Lies then and lies now.
Notice that the prime tactic that the Pro-Amnesty/Open-Borders crowd uses against the opposition is to call us xenophobes and racists. This is the same tactic that the Pro-Iraq War crowd used against the Democratic opposition to the Iraq-War funding bill: If you’re not for it “you’re against the troops. You’re troop haters” The result was that the Democrats buckled. It’s not that anyone really believed that anyone hated the troops, but labels work.
Now, Democratic and Republican supporters of Amnesty are using the Race Card. They’re using it because it’s the only card they have to play.
Report thisBy Pablo, June 19, 2007 at 5:40 pm #
When the final draft is ready maybe the congress will need a translator? I offer my services.
This of course is just to fill the pages in the Congressional Record, as legislators don’t read the bills which are up for a vote.
I’ve inserted a rider which repeals the Treaty of Hildalgo. Just think, no more border crossing into tawdry Tijuana; instead it’s the manicured lawns of Santa Barbara. Relax, it’s a win-win. The minimum wage has just been cut 80% and dilution is the solution to pollution.
Report thisBy Chris, June 19, 2007 at 1:36 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Speaking of La Raza;
MEXICAN AMNESTY AND OPEN BORDERS ACTIVISTS HAVE A DIRECT LINE TO OUR TREASONOUS SENATORS!!!!! FILL THESE VOICEMAILS WITH ENGLISH INSTEAD OF SPANISH.
For those of you having difficulty getting thru to your senator, here is the 800 # paid for by the Mexican Amnesty and Open Borders Activists:
800-882-2005
This will get you directly to your senator unlike the #s available to the US Citizen.
Press 1 when you hear a Spanish message, then Press 1 again to be transferred to your Senior Senators office
OR
Press 2 when you hear a Spanish message, and youll be transferred to your Junior Senators office.
It only takes a minute and you get through immediately. The call is paid for by the open-borders and amnesty supporters.
WE NEED TO FILL THESE SENATORS VOICE MAILS WITH ENGLISH MESSAGES INSTEAD OF ALLOWING THEM TO BE FILLED WITH SPANISH. SPREAD THE WORD AND CALL NOW BEFORE ITS TO LATE!
Report thisBy DennisD, June 19, 2007 at 12:41 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Why not, our corporations have been rewriting the tax codes for the last 35 years along with almost every other piece of legislation. Our reprehensibles in Congress don’t even read the bills that come before them now. It’s much easier to see which side of an issue has the biggest pile of money in front of it and vote accordingly. This article hits too close to home to be funny. By the way Andy, these are your Republicans in there now presiding over the train wreck known as the U.S. government, aren’t they.
Report thisBy Tom Doff, June 18, 2007 at 9:33 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
This makes sense. We’ve outsourced Congress to Israel, why not delegate immigration to wetbacks?
But if we really want to get this nation back on track, we should unload the White House on Poland.
Report thisBy Winghunter, June 18, 2007 at 4:45 am #
Contact Your Representatives Now
Numbers USA Free Fax and Email!
( Senators AND the President )
http://www.numbersusa.com/actionbuffet
Laura Ingraham - “Save Your Country Now!”
Report thishttp://www.lauraingraham.com/
By cyrena, June 18, 2007 at 3:05 am #
Oh My..This is hilarious, (as are your comments). I do remember reading that the contract for “The Half-Wall” had been subcontracted out illegal immigrants, so that they could build it to keep themselves out. (but only 700 miles worth of the 1,300 mile “border” between us and Mexico. So, they’ll be able to build themselves out for at least 700 miles worth. I don’t know if they’ll ever even bother with the rest of it.
I had to chuckle out loud at the thought of “guest congressman, Kinda makes you wonder if they might not be a whole lot better than the ones we have now.
Meantime, I can’t resist. I have to send this to the most xenophobic of my acquaintances, and I’m just really tempted to lop-off the “Satire” in the Title, just to see if they can figure out that it IS “satire”, before they go into conniption fits!!!
I’m still laughing…
Report thisBy Carson, June 18, 2007 at 12:48 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
La Raza was in on the drafting of the bill from what I’ve heard.
Since the marches in May of 2006 it seemed clear just who was backing them. The American taxpayer! We’re the only ones with that kind of money. (Sort of)
The Federal Government is allowing groups like La Raza access to our money before we are even able to pick up our checks and cash them. We are left little to support what we really want it to go for.
It is totally against the principals of the United States of America when you turn a machine like the criminals in the government have against the will of the people.
Here is a partial list of some of the money that has been looted from the American taxpayer. Look down at the end of the article.
http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewArticle.asp?articleID=25447
Report thisBy Carson, June 18, 2007 at 12:46 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
La Raza was in on the drafting of the bill from what I’ve heard.
Since the marches in May of 2006 it seemed clear just who was backing them. The American taxpayer! We’re the only ones with that kind of money. (Sort of)
The Federal Government is allowing groups like La Raza access to our money before we are even able to pick up our checks and cash them. We are left little to support what we really want it to go for.
It is totally against the principals of the United States of America when you turn a machine like the criminals in the government have against the will of the people.
Here is a partial list of some of the money that has been looted from the American taxpayer. Look down at the end of the article.
http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewArticle.asp?articleID=25447
Report thisBy PaulMagillSmith, June 17, 2007 at 11:32 pm #
Hey Andy,
Report thisDoes this mean congresspeople will have to go pick some fruit? Good, then maybe we will get some useful work out of them for a change!
By Louise, June 17, 2007 at 8:08 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
This brilliant plan is an obvious outcome of the outsourcing inquiries made regarding construction of the “Keep The Aliens Out Wall.”
When Homeland Security and the administration discovered the illegal immigrants could provide labor, plans, construction materials and equipment at one third the cost, with a guaranteed completion time of six months, they realized they [the illegal’s] must know something we don’t.
Rather than risking a brain hemorrhage trying to figure out what, they just decided to give the whole project to them.
Meanwhile, assistant secretary to the Vice Secretary of the assistant secretary to the Secretary to the Assistant Director of Homeland Security, Sahd Dai Forahl acknowledged there was some concern about secret underground passageways, but “We’ll stay right on top of things.” He assured the press.
Report thisBy kevin99999, June 17, 2007 at 7:21 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
The GOP party is made up of deranged and crazy people with a twisted logic. May it is normal thing for GOP. After all, they have been inviting industry to writeregulations for themselves.
Report thisBy Hammo, June 17, 2007 at 7:08 pm #
A new TV show is set at the US-Mexico border and even shows illegal immigrants scurrying across the border.
Life on the border is different than what many Americans think. Maybe this new show on HBO, “John from Cincinnati,” will provide some insight about the US-Mexico border.
The show takes place in far south San Diego County and nearby is the city of Tijuana, Mexico.
More on this in . . .
New HBO series ‘John from Cincinnati’ has metaphysical mysteries
American Chronicle
June 14, 2007
http://www.americanchronicle.com/articles/viewArticle.asp?articleID=29716
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