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Wolfowitz’s Next Assignment

Posted on May 27, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

In a bold move to undermine the international terror network, President George W. Bush today named former deputy defense secretary and World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz to be the new president of al-Qaida.

Mr. Wolfowitz, who has no experience running an international terror organization, struck many Washington insiders as an unlikely choice for the al-Qaida job.

But in a White House ceremony introducing his nominee for the top terror post, President Bush indicated that Mr. Wolfowitz’s role in planning the war in Iraq and bringing scandal to the World Bank showed that he was “just the man” to bring chaos and disorder to al-Qaida.

“I’ve seen Paul Wolfowitz in action,” said Mr. Bush, a beaming Mr. Wolfowitz at his side. “If anyone can mess up al-Qaida, it’s this guy.”

Several key details in the president’s plan still need to be worked out, such as how exactly Mr. Wolfowitz will infiltrate al-Qaida and rise to the top position in its ranks.


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“Al-Qaida closely screens all of its top officers,” said Hassan El-Medfaii, head of the terror network’s human resources department. “It’s not like the Defense Department or the World Bank.”

Even if he ascends to its top post, it remains to be seen whether Mr. Wolfowitz will be happy at al-Qaida, according to Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the Wolfowitz Studies Department at the University of Minnesota.

“Al-Qaida is not like the World Bank,” Professor Logsdon said. “For one thing, it’s much harder to meet girls there.”

Elsewhere, former Creed lead singer Scott Stapp was released from jail, raising fears that he might start recording again.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate Inc.

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By rage, May 28, 2007 at 8:39 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)


I always thought Scott Stapp owed the short success of that preachy grind to the popularity of religion bred by the rise to power of the Bush Administration. Now that I think about it, Stapp wouldn’t have whipped Sanjaya on Idol with his grating whining selfrighteousness in this entertainment round. What drivel! Woe be unto the inhabitants of the Earth!

As for ol’ spit-on-his-hair-with-holey-socks, I was simply stunned that there was a woman on this planet desperate enough to go out like that. EVER! I’m usually left to question the validity of such rich reports while flipping through the Enquirer in the checkout line at the grocers. You know, the kind of unbelievable sensationalism that, when googled, gets that ‘oh, get real’ response. But, when I googled the wolfie affair, the return pretty near crashed my Toshiba with almost 5000 hits confirming my worst fears. This is one time when truth really is stranger than fiction. 

The little turdblossom just looks like he stinks, I mean just WREAKS! When I saw him spit in his hair on Fahrenheit 911, I damn near puked projectilely. Then, when his unshod cloven hooves appeared on the internet in the heel-free toe-less socks, I decided that somewhere a pedicurist was fianlly suing him for the damage done to her Black and Decker sander and the McCullough hedge trimmers. Then again, this very well could have been the result of his attempt at laundering his socks with his own spit before wearing them a second time. Venomous brimstone has that effect on poly-cotton blends of cloth. I am sure he requires an EPA permit just to remove his shoes, since he sweats some molten acidic treacle, a frightening substance which modern science has yet to properly identify. The man is beyond offensive to being lethal.

That notwithstanding, on this EARTH, some poor pathetic wretch who is rashly desperate for a mere semblance male companionship successfully got past that level of horrendous hygeine to freak Wolfie! And, she was obviously cavalier enough about it to not sue over the documentation of her tasteless insanity by every news organ in the known UNIVERSE! And, the devil’s purse is that she dumped Wolfman, once the scandalous crap left the fan, fairly certain that her milkshake can honeslty bring another male TREASURE TROLL to the yard! I’ve got to give her homely behind this: the who’ got confidence. She figured, because she nailed the Wolfman, there are obviously other machiavellian midget mutants out there to be tapped. Go, girl!

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By THOMAS BILLIS, May 27, 2007 at 10:55 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Mr Borowitz I know it is supposed to be humor but if we could ship the current executive and his cohorts to Al Qaida we could win this war on terrorism in no time.First tell George Bush that Al Qaida has no air force so he can leave the flight suit home.

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By FrostedFlakes, May 27, 2007 at 5:11 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Even Al-Queda isn’t that desperate for leadership. Plus he does a better recruitment job for them at his present status.

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By DennisD, May 27, 2007 at 2:07 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Heckuva new job Wolfie! I’m sure he’d take it if he can get al-Qaida to sign a waiver stating that he won’t be responsible for anything that goes wrong.

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By Forkboy, May 27, 2007 at 12:14 pm Link to this comment

I’m confused….is this a joke?  I mean, it SOUNDS like a White House idea.

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By Tom Doff, May 27, 2007 at 10:46 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Thank ‘God’, I can’t believe Bush is doing something rational.

I was afraid he was going to make Wolfie Attorney General, and I’d have to have Gucci shackles made for my whole family.

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By QuyTran, May 27, 2007 at 9:50 am Link to this comment

How about switching him over the Whore House to replace GWB ? Is it a good idea ?

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By veritas1187, May 27, 2007 at 9:32 am Link to this comment

Absolutely hilarious.

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By Louise, May 27, 2007 at 7:42 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Of course this appointment will create some confusion in the world of bloggers, since it’s still to be determined exactly what Al Qaida is. But since a good many are still trying to figure out exactly what Mr. Wolfowitz is, it seems a good fit.

Meanwhile the debate continues. Is Al qaida the short name for a database located in a computer, dedicated to the communications of the Islamic Conference’s secretariat?

Or, is Al Qaida colloquial for “I’m going to the toilet”?

Irregardless, most feel confident that if it is the former, Mr. Wolfowitz knows how to log on. If it is the latter, confidence is high Mr. Wolfowitz knows how to do that too.

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