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Appetite for Self-Destruction

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Buck Up, Wolfie: There’s Always eHarmony

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Posted on May 13, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

In yet another setback for the embattled World Bank president, Paul Wolfowitz’s girlfriend, Shaha Riza, announced today that she was resigning as Mr. Wolfowitz’s girlfriend, “effective immediately.”

While Ms. Riza’s role in the conflict-of-interest scandal involving Mr. Wolfowitz and the World Bank had placed her in the eye of the media storm, few had expected her to relinquish her girlfriend post without a fight.

But according to a source close to Ms. Riza, the increasing pressure on the high-profile couple in recent days had convinced her that she “could no longer function effectively as Paul Wolfowitz’s girlfriend.”

A joint communiqué released by the couple indicated that the decision to leave her girlfriend post was entirely Ms. Riza’s, but sources close to Mr. Wolfowitz suggest that the idea had originated not with her but with the World Bank president himself.

According to one source, “Paul had dinner with Shaha last night and told her they should start seeing other banks.”

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News of Ms. Riza’s departure sparked speculation that Mr. Wolfowitz’s might have difficulty acquiring a new girlfriend, but according to Vice President Dick Cheney, who has served as Mr. Wolfowitz’s unofficial “wingman” for years, nothing could be further from the truth.

“The fact that the World Bank found Paul guilty of wrongdoing gives him an air of danger,” Mr. Cheney said. “The ladies dig that.”

Elsewhere, after a welcoming speech in which he suggested that Queen Elizabeth II was over 230 years old, President Bush attempted to mend his verbal slip, saying “the old girl doesn’t look a day over 130.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate


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By Nitro, May 15, 2007 at 12:39 pm Link to this comment

Hope they stay away from the credit unions…

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By rowdy, May 15, 2007 at 12:16 pm Link to this comment

too bad,andy, that you wrote this piece before the comb lickin’ weasel tried to put the blame for his present difficulty on his overpaid trollop.“Wolfowitz effectively blamed Riza for his predicament as well, saying that her “intractable position” in demanding a salary increase as compensation for her career disruption forced him to grant one to pre-empt a lawsuit”.washington post,dated 5-15-07. this slimy lying sack of offal was willing to take on saddam but didn’t have the balls to stand up to his “girlfriend”? please ,andy, rewritethis. take out your verbal knife and really let the blood flow. wolfie deserves nothing less than total contempt. except maybe a long stint at gitmo.

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By salut, May 14, 2007 at 5:41 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Tom your ‘Lil’ Pecker’ and ‘Almost Virgin’ post deserve some sort of recognition. Try Jay Leno or Letterman.

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By jatihoon, May 14, 2007 at 12:54 pm Link to this comment

Buckle up your seat pants Wolfie here I go

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By Louise, May 14, 2007 at 10:12 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

“It’s not that I haven’t enjoyed being the girl friend of the World Bank,” Ms. Riza said. “But there’s a point where even I have to say no. I was perfectly willing to learn to darn socks ... but clipping toenails?

“That’s where I draw the line!”

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By Leo, May 14, 2007 at 6:17 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

What a dumb article - totally agree with Bennett

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By Tom Doff, May 13, 2007 at 9:08 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Thanks to Wolfie’s munificence with the US tax dollar, Shahahaha will be able to wear Jimmy Chooz Shooz as she street-walks her way through the rest of her career.

And thanks to her almost-exclusive relationship with the Lil’ Pecker (as Wolfie is privately referred to in World Bank emails), she’ll be able to promote herself as an ‘Almost Virgin’, or at least guarantee all her future ‘Johns’ that they’ll easily ‘Get Past The Used Part’.

As for Lil’ Pecker’s future, this should solve the eternal question, Is God Dead?

For if Lil’ Pecker has a future, there is No God.

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RobertBennett's avatar

By RobertBennett, May 13, 2007 at 8:19 pm Link to this comment

‘Monte Python’ is satire.

‘The Princess Bride’ is satire.

This is simply unimaginative and cruel.

I am a progressive and I am ashamed of progressives.

Maybe someday, Mr. Borowitz, you will understand the difference in digging for truth, and lusting for blood.

Farewell, Blooddiggers.

Peace,
Bob Bennett

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By QuyTran, May 13, 2007 at 8:11 pm Link to this comment

When Riza said that she “could no longer function effectively as Paul Wolfowitz’s girlfriend” means she wants to be the “First Lady Of World Bank” and every activites within this institution will be under her panties.

Paul and his girlfriend are looking for other banks because they’re already well off at the World Bank.

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