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Reports

Bush Creates Department of Faulty Intelligence

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Posted on Mar 18, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

In response to what he called a “significant increase in the amount of misinformation about our enemies,” President George W. Bush today announced that he was establishing a new Cabinet-level agency devoted solely to faulty intelligence.

By creating the Department of Faulty Intelligence, Mr. Bush said, “The United States will be able to respond swiftly and preemptively to false threats before they don’t develop.”

The president said that while the CIA and the NSA had both collected faulty intelligence in the past, “there is simply too much misinformation out there for those two agencies to handle.”

Mr. Bush said that he hoped that the Department of Faulty Intelligence would not only increase the United States’ capacity to collect false leads and red herrings, but that it would also help coordinate the sharing of useless information among the United States’ various spy agencies.

Mr. Bush used the announcement at the White House to introduce his nominee to head up the new department, James Frey, the author of “A Million Little Pieces.”

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Mr. Frey spoke mainly in general terms about the goals of the new agency, but indicated that it would focus on “the gathering threat” posed by Belgium’s nuclear program.

In his brief remarks to the press, Mr. Frey said that he was uniquely qualified to head the Department of Faulty Intelligence because of his “deep roots” in the faulty intelligence community.

“I will be bringing over four decades of experience to this job,” said Mr. Frey, 37.

Elsewhere, hours after Congress demanded an investigation into the firing of U.S. attorneys, President Bush said he would move the White House to Dubai.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of “The Republican Playbook.”

© 2007 Creators Syndicate


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By June Hollister, January 20, 2008 at 9:55 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Thank you for the great information.  I went to your site http://www.unlockingtheconstitution.com and was so pleased that I was able to buy your third book.  I have read both LAWGIC and IMPEACH ‘EM, and now Unlocking The Constitution.  I just keep saying “I didn’t know that” and “wow how is this possible”.  Shocking information but true.  June Hollister

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By Todd Millions, March 22, 2007 at 4:55 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Will this new deptment be coordinating with allies?
I’m quite sure that the Ministry of Offically Convient Lies(aka- the PMO,of the Canadian goverment),already has its well intrenched-bilingual procedures.Will your president require compatable forms?Our eunuchs so hate too muss the paperwork.
Best clear this up soon as our last two prime ministers have being much too busy playing ‘Monica” on visits to the white house to see to such vital details.Look how much kak tony is in due too insufficent trans adlantic coordination of offical lies(though unfortunetly his head isn’t on the block for the public high trason execution over them-yet, I sadly note).Think of what the BBC could do with such a spectcale!

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By OKcorralis, March 21, 2007 at 10:19 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Department of Intelligence Crafted Knowingly Without Analysis Due—-DICKWAD

Committee to Reduce Organized Opposition to Kleptocracy——-CROOK

Office of Highly Special Hits and Intelligence Tampering——OHSHIT

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By rob kealy, March 21, 2007 at 9:07 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

There once upon a time was a Dept. of Circumlocution. It still exists in present adminisrtions but it now has an adjaacent dept: The Department of Criminal Locution. Should anyone be sacked?

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By Ernest Canning, March 19, 2007 at 10:45 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

While the satire is appreciated, the problem with a Department of “Faulty” Intelligence is that it leaves open the possibility of honest error.  I would propose that a more appropriate name would be the “Department of Doctored Intelligence.”

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By THOMAS E. BUMGARDNER, March 19, 2007 at 8:49 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

You may have deep interest in my new book, UNLOCKING THE CONSTITUTION, to be published this summer.
Previous writings include passages such as: “There are two kinds os Socialism; existing and working. The existing doesn’t work and the working doesn’t exist”; and “I have but one vice. I tend to lie a little.”
My books prove that our Constitution is not taught in any schools, including schools of law.
Thomas E. Bumgardner
Oh… My second book, IMPEACH ‘EM, is being sold through Amazon.com but UNLOCKING THE CONSTITUTION will be sold through bookstores, the internet and from me at P. O. BOX 39, BALLARD, WV 24918.

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By Dale Headley, March 19, 2007 at 6:00 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

What’s so funny?  Rush Limbaugh’s doing a fine job heading up that department.

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By GW=MCHammered, March 19, 2007 at 4:36 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

CAUSTIC SATIRE WARNING

Gduya’s Newest Helpful Programs

From that zany president who brought you the Open Border/Guest Worker Program and the Free Iraqi Oil Campaign, now comes his Open Border, Go Get Your Drugs Free Program!

In his never-ending quest to bring the benefits of the New Global Economy to all, our Prez stayed up all night developing his half-page syllabus for cutting out yet another middleman… the Drug Dealer! That’s right street addicts, no more knocking off corner shops or knocking out 101 year-old grandmas for a few bucks to buy your next fix.

Under his new program, the Just Say No Committee, in coordination with FEMA, the former DEA and the remaining National Guard troops, guarantee your safety across the border into Mexico to Just Take Your Drugs.

“Why should the border work just one way?” asks Sergeant Bill Bottoff of the former Drug Enforcement Agency. “This is win-win for everybody!”

“It’s my job to hand out surplus inventory: guns, flamethrowers, torpedoes, brass knuckles, WMDs… whatever our junkies need. Government just wants to do its part,” explains a former border guard agent. “Hey, I hear my friends Ramos and Compean, just got pardoned in ten years!”

Onetime tech investor and mortgage loan officer, Benjamin, last name withheld, says, “My uncle Bernanske told me the next contrived Boom-Bust is in street drugs. So I’m on the border selling my maps to the Homes of the Chicano Drug Lords. Capitalism rocks, man!”

The President explained that on the last half of his one-sheet, he plans to replace Social Security with a retirement blueprint titled, ‘From Sea to Shining Sea.’ It’s all part of his resolve to unionize North and South America.

“Once we take care of our druggies, I wanna get rid of… I mean, heh-heh… help retiring Baby-Boomers you know… retire! So we’re gonna give ‘em our unused FEMA trailers and let them cross the border into Mexico too. For no charge, ya’ see? Then we’ll build that promised fence thingy. It’s beautiful!”

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By Stephen Smoliar, March 19, 2007 at 1:36 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I continue to believe that “sharply-focused humor can often tell a story far better than the most reasoned argumentation,” an observation I made last year in “celebrating” the front-page story that THE ONION ran under the headline “Wikipedia Celebrates 750 Years Of American Independence,” which can be read at:

http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-Mff23hgidqmHGqbcv.lfskakEtS6qLVHUEMFUG4-?cq=1&p=64

I also believe that one should never underestimate the value of a good throw-away.  For me, the high point of the satiric text came in that final quotation:

“I will be bringing over four decades of experience to this job,” said Mr. Frey, 37.

We need more of this kind of writing!

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By Christine Lane, March 19, 2007 at 12:37 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I am really glad to see this article.  Every day seems to bring another notification of another crime being committed by this administration against its people and society.  It is a nice change to hear a little levit.

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By Charlie Kasnick, March 19, 2007 at 12:17 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I seen this letter to the editor in the Chicago
Tribune on the run up to the war with Iraq,“I worry more about words or mass distortion more that weapons of mass distruction.“And boy does it hold true,into the 5th year of the war now we are seeing the distortions fillay coming to light.

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By Louise, March 18, 2007 at 11:54 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Great idea!

This probably will pick up the slack created when the Office of Fabrication, Fantasies And Lies (OFFAL) collapsed. The co-directors, Scooter Libby and Andrew Card never could resolve who should have the biggest filing cabinet.

Besides, Scooter had to leave and Card didn’t like handling OFFAL.

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By Christopher Robin, March 18, 2007 at 7:16 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Bush & intelligence? Words not linked in any sentence pertaining to him.

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By Quy Tran, March 18, 2007 at 6:44 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Bravo the King ! Your newly created Department must include “excellent” leaders such as:
* Rumsfeld, * Wolfowitz, Tony “poodle” Blair,
* Gonzales, * Harriet Meirs (?), * Karl Rove,
* Libby “Scooter”. . . . .and this organization will bring more welfares to American people or will flush this nation through septic tanks !

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