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Who Needs Good Intel When You’ve Got Magic 8-Ball?

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Posted on Feb 16, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

Much of the prewar intelligence that led to President George W. Bush’s decision to invade Iraq in 2003 came from the popular fortune-telling toy known as the Magic 8-Ball, according to documents released today.

As Congress debates the war in Iraq, scrutinizing the prewar roles of such former administration figures as Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and his deputy, Paul Wolfowitz, the news that a small plastic ball shaped the decision to go to war came as nothing less than a bombshell.

But transcripts obtained under the Freedom of Information Act showing conversations among Messrs. Bush, Rumsfeld and Wolfowitz and the Magic 8-Ball make it clear that the ball had the deciding vote when it came to the administration’s prewar planning.

At one point in the transcript, Mr. Bush asks the Magic 8-Ball flat out, “Does Saddam Hussein have weapons of mass destruction?”

The ball responded equivocally—“Reply hazy, try again”—prompting the president to repeat his question.

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When Mr. Bush asked the question again moments later, the Magic 8-Ball was more definitive: “Signs point to yes.”

At the White House today, spokesman Tony Snow defended the Magic 8-Ball’s role in gathering prewar intelligence but said that the ball had left the administration in 2004 to spend more time with its family.

But in response to a reporter’s question about whether the United States planned to go to war with Iran, Mr. Snow raised eyebrows by responding, “Better not tell you now.”

Elsewhere, the Kansas State Board of Education voted to teach evolution in public schools, with the six human members of the board outvoting the four monkeys.

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By kANUEAR, February 24, 2007 at 5:15 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Hey Andy…. Nothing about the topic of Irag here but if anybody is interested, get opinions about the backscatter machines that TSA will be installing in airports for (so-called) national security. These are x-ray machines (X-RAY)that they say are harmless. Not only are x-rays harmful but I wouldn’t be suprised if a lot of nude flouroscopic torsos wound up as body hit of the week on the internet. All radiation is harmfull no matter what the Kvp and mA is set at. X-rays are accumulative so you probally would not be wise to be a frequent flyer. It is impossible to induce x-rays into the human body with out experiencing the Compton scatter effect. If your old enough, think about the old Hooks shoe floro machine that x-rayed feet and exposed folks to unmeasured radiation. Anyone not wearing proper shielding, standing far enough away or within the radiation field too long is vunerable. Makes you kind of think of the luggage scanners dosen’t it? Those little black strips om the machines are lead that have to be at least (if I rememeber correctly) 5mm thich and completely closed when x-raying. Isn’t that interesting? How many times have you seen a TSA officer hammering down with the curtians waving in the breeze. If you can see your bag in the machine when it is being x-rayed the x-rays can see you and everybody close to you
Also each machine, for safety sake, should be inspected and calibrated to tolerance on at least a semi-annual basis. One other thing before I close ..... It wouldn’t take very much to make a trigger sensitive to one (1) Kvp of x-ray to set a bomb, whether in a case, bag or strapped to a body. Imagine that? Your out there looking for someone to bomb a plane of maybe 400? people not thinking about the folks that fly on holidays and crowd the air terminals. Aren’t they vunerable too….? And we are not even going to talk about border scans of trucks…..


This is from 20 years of x-ray calibration and troubleshooting experience.

Later Andy….

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By Angel Gabriel, February 22, 2007 at 1:35 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Makes perfect sense that Cheney would give the little shrub a magic 8 ball to keep him amused while he planned and carried out the mayhem.
Maybe Cheney gave Rice, Olmert and Rumsfeld one too. They all seem to be full of the same answers! Sadly, Rummie lost his so he got sent home.

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By frederico, February 21, 2007 at 8:51 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I too have found the Magic 8 Ball an effective tool in making life changing decisions. Much more effective than praying to Jesus. I’m sure when he asks the Magic 8 Ball if he’ll ever have to pay for his crimes, the old ball comes back with Not Likely.
IMPEACH this Son of a Bush! Write your Congressperson and Senator NOW!

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By Bill, February 21, 2007 at 6:39 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Hmmmmm, I wonder. Mr. President: Why don’t you ask your “eight ball” the following question: Should I, Cheney, Rumsfeld and Rice be prosecuted as war criminals and be jailed for life? (Please make sure that you get the correct answer as anything other than “Yes” means your toy is lying to you as it did about your lies about Iraq).

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By stan, February 19, 2007 at 12:01 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

True, the neo-cons have broken with all proven diplomatic methods of dealing with our rivals in the world…

But to change from the traditional crystal ball to an 8 ball is definitely over the top.

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By Michael Seely, February 18, 2007 at 9:38 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Do we have proof that the 8-Ball really said this or is this more lies?  Has there been congressional testimony given by the 8-Ball?

Inquiring minds want to know.  Why no coverage by the National Inquirer, or Fox?  So many unanswered questions.  Of course if Dick Cheney says this is true than it must be.  We need to ask Dick.

At least the administration used the most reliable scientific technology available.

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By ficuselastica, February 18, 2007 at 5:19 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Now…  I might believe that his Magic Eight Ball deserved some credit for his college grades.  But, blaming the Magic Eight Ball for his pre-war intelligence?  I don’t know.

  I would have to know who was reading the answers for him.

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By Rob McWaters, February 18, 2007 at 12:13 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Yup The magic 8 ball went back to his VT billard table where he should have stayed in the first place. Still trying to give advice to whomever will buy him a beer

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By Polly Ester, February 17, 2007 at 10:53 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Oh no, you have it all wrong Bush didn’t receive premonitions from a “magic 8 ball;”
a Ouija Board was retrieved from the Vice-President’s bedroom and brought to the Oval Office.  Bush, Rove and Cheney lit an aromatic candle, and a psychic, wearing sheer lavender harem pants and a belly shirt appeared giving advice on how best to channel this board.

Cheney placed his pudgy fingers on the planchette and then the fun began—-the board which was covered with numbers and letters,  started to vigorously move as if possessed, and spelled out scores of Satanic messages: Give all your corporate friends at Halliburton a ton of no bid contracts; cheat the taxpayers and troops with shabby equipment; lie to the public and tell them Saddam was responsible for 9/11; steal billions of dollars from the U.S. Government; cut the funding of VA Hospitals; create total chaos in Iraq; build permanent military bases in the region; incite sectarian violence and install a puppet dictator to replace Saddam. 

Thirty minutes into the Oval Office Séance the flame from the candle was mysteriously extinguished, and the room became very dark and freezing cold—-Bush began to scream: “I see dead people,” and Cheney burst into non-stop laughter, of course you see dead people, didn’t you hear the Ouija Board’s most exciting
message—-666,000 Iraqis will die and thousand of U.S. troops will also be dead—-how fabulously demonic.

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By Steve Hammons, February 17, 2007 at 12:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

There are many ways to view “intelligence” and gather intelligence.

Average Americans and people internationally now need to become familiar with this previously restricted field of study.

Human intelligence (HUMINT), open source intelligence (OSINT) are types of intel we all are exposed to every day.

For more on this, the article below may be of interest:

Gathering intelligence: Grassroots intel by and for the people

By Steve Hammons
Columnist, PopulistAmerica.com
Populist Party of America
January 30, 2007

http://www.populistamerica.com/gathering_intelligence_grassroots_intel_by_and_for_the_people

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By M Impagliazzo, February 17, 2007 at 10:59 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Comsidering what we were told about the invasion and what actually happened it might as well have been the 8 - ball driving the decisions

Pretty much 100% of the prewar claims and what has transpired were in direct conflist with one another

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