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When It Rains It Pours

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Posted on Feb 12, 2007
Cooper
anthroblogs.org

By Andy Borowitz

Executives at CNN warned today that severe weather alerts have been on the rise during February sweeps and are expected to reach an all-time high before the all-important ratings-grabbing period is over.

        At a CNN press briefing at the company’s headquarters in Atlanta, Ga., network spokesman Tracy Klujian said that severe weather alerts during this sweeps period were up 9,000 percent over normal, non-sweeps months, adding that the alerts could interrupt CNN programming “at any time, without warning” until February sweeps ends.

        “We owe it to our viewers to warn them that as bad as the severe weather alerts have been so far this February, even more disruptive alerts are on their way,” Mr. Klujian said.

        According to professor Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota’s Institute of Meteorology, the sharp increase in severe weather alerts may be the result of a phenomenon called “network executive climate change.”

        “Cable news networks such as CNN have been experiencing a gradual cooling of their ratings,” Logsdon said. “Then February sweeps comes along, creating a front of high pressure on their executives.”

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        In Atlanta, CNN’s Klujian said that there was a “90 percent chance” that Anderson Cooper would be pelted with rain at some point during the February sweeps month.

        “Before sweeps is over, Anderson Cooper’s hair will be soaked up and down the Eastern seaboard,” he said. “We want our viewers to be prepared for that.”

        Elsewhere, NASA said that it was taking several steps to prevent future cross-country stalking incidents, such as locking up the space diapers.

Copyright 2007 Creators Syndicate

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By C.P.T.L., February 15, 2007 at 12:16 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

‘Riffs’ and ‘riffing’ are not verbs.  A riff is a musical phrase.  When a musician plays a riff or series of riffs, he or she is playing music.  When a musician hears the word ‘riff’ used as a verb it is irritating and offensive, like hearing a person say they have ‘noted’ when they mean ‘played a note,’ or ‘arpeggio’d,’ when they mean ‘played an arpeggio,’ or ‘chorded,’ when they mean ‘played chords.’  This confusion seems to have been born of a non-musician reviewer’s attempt to sound ‘in,’ or hip, by using musical terminology before learning it.

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By Old Lady in Seattle, February 14, 2007 at 9:44 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Chaseme #53232 is right on. I don’t watch TV at all (until baseball season opens, and then only if the Mariners get their act together) nor listen to the radio. I rely on static media: The daily Seattle Post-Intelligencer, The New Yorker, nytimes.com and other online sites, other magazines and newsletters, books, audiobooks, and what friends and neighbors are saying.
  No, I don’t know everything. But I pursue what I want to when I am able.

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By Kahoneez, February 13, 2007 at 2:14 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I’ve noticed the same thing, cnn “news” every ten minutes or so, beating the weather report to death, when in reality it seems like it should be local issue. Also, it’s no longer weather center…it’s the SEVERE WEATHER CENTER. This is obviously a
ratings gimmick, like “terrorism” reports, burning buildings in some po-dunk town, I don’t give a damn about, cnn is really crawling in the gutter.

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By Dennis D, February 13, 2007 at 12:16 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Say it ain’t so Andy - not the space diapers. I thought the new Bu$h budget would have to eliminate them anyway. We all have to make sacrifices for the Haliburton war effort. They apparently cut back on the psychological screenings a while ago at Astronut U.

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By Chaseme, February 12, 2007 at 11:32 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

People, this is the same tactic members of the bush administration used when they carried out the 9/11 atrocities.

These scare tactics are very old. The KKK used them in the 1920s to convince well over 5 million Americans to become members. Yes, over 5 million people were active paying KKK members as a means of protection. Imagine how frightened you have to be to join the Klan so that others would know you are a “patriotic.”

It was the same in 2001, when well over 5 million Americans joined the flag-toting brigade. Yes, over 5 million Americans were actively flying flags as a means of protection. Imagine how frightened you have to be to fly a flag so that everyone would know you are a “patriotic.”

Television is not a means of entertainment anymore. It’s used to spreads fear to keep people immobilized long enough to up the network’s ratings, then after that, off to the malls.

My suggestion would be to kill your television. Literally! Then, read as many books as you can get your hands on. Once you are done with the first five books, you will notice how the level of fear dissipates and the level of courage rise.

Once we kill our fear, we will gain the courage to eventually kill the inequality we receive from this administration. We will gain the courage to kill the injustices done in our name. We will gain the courage to eventually bring these crooks to justice and when the truth is told, we will have the courage to follow though with the punishment and the courage to let the other crooks know…We are not SCARED!

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By Kol Klink, February 12, 2007 at 10:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

CNN has jumped on the band wagon and is beating the war drums for Iran. Same old stuff.

Lou Dobbs is the only talking head that I know of that has made a career of stirring up ethnic hatred between Americans and Latinos. Same old stuff.

The unshaven Brit with the crooked nose (sorry, forgot his name) is trotted out on a regular basis to give his opinion of ‘what is really going on in Iraq.’ Same old stuff.

Larry King live? Boring. Same old stuff.

CNN is called by many on the right ‘the most leftist of the major media outlets.’ I couldnt say for I dont watch the rest. If true, the major media is useless. Same old stuff.

My favorite is Democracy Now. Not the same old stuff.

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By Quy Tran, February 12, 2007 at 2:38 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

More natural disasters are coming during the days to come because of Bush’s virtue. He and his criminal administration are unable to avoid decree of Heaven even he grabbed the mighty powers in his bloody hands. Just open our eyes widely !

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