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 Experts Go on Strike—Could Last Months, Non-Experts SayPosted on Feb 4, 2007Satirist Andy Borowitz pokes fun at the media’s reliance on the know-it-alls who often shape our opinions.
In an unprecedented labor action that could directly impact American journalists’ access to space-filling quotations, America’s experts went on strike today, seeking payment and benefits for their oft-quoted remarks. For decades, journalists who have been up against deadlines with many column inches to fill have called upon experts at colleges, universities and think tanks in the hopes that the loquacious sages would spew forth much-needed verbiage. In exchange, the experts have asked little more than that the journalists spell their names correctly—but all that is about to change, the striking experts hope. At a massive rally of disgruntled experts at the University of Minnesota, professor Davis Logsdon, a leading expert and the president of the United Experts Union, fired up the crowd of irate know-it-alls. “As experts, the time has come for us to stand together and refuse to give away our opinions for free,” Logsdon said. “And a recent study shows that 98 percent of you agree with me.” Tracy Klujian, one of two dozen or so non-experts who crossed picket lines at the University of Minnesota to work as so-called “replacement experts” for the duration of the strike, said he had “no idea” how long the work stoppage could last. “Maybe it could go on for months,” he said. “But I don’t know much about labor unions and stuff, so you’re really asking the wrong guy.”
Elsewhere, in an appearance before the Senate Armed Services Committee, Adm. J. Fallon said it was time for the United States to redefine its goals in Iraq to something more realistic, such as “chaos.”
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Washington’s Overrated ‘Old Hands’
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By Ellen North, February 6, 2007 at 12:24 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Dear Andy,
Report thisDon’t know if you’ve ever considered cloning, but we could use about a half-dozen of you in each of our local papers.
Possibly more.
Way too much spacy stuff spread by experts speaking with their hats pulled clear over their mouths…
Holden is dead on - as is, scarily enough, GW=MCHammered: it’s become very hard indeed to spoof the current degree of official/media insanity without sounding like the news.
At least we can go down laughing.
Thanks.
By Dr. Knowitall, PhD, PhD, February 5, 2007 at 4:31 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
Goddangit, Andy, stop stealin’ my thunder!
Report thisBy Holden, February 5, 2007 at 10:31 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Journalism today largely consists of the reporter calling up a number of sources and getting quotes. Some are “experts”. Many are just people with opinions or an axe to grind. This is far easier than doing actual research. Seldom does the journalist bother to check the veracity of the opinions they repeat.
Report thisBy Louise, February 5, 2007 at 9:17 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Hee-hee!
Report thisLoved it!
Especially the bit about redefining goals in Iraq!
Almost chuckle choked on my coffee!
Hee-hee!
By GW=MCHammered, February 5, 2007 at 8:52 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
***SATIRE RESPONSE WARNING***
Not to be outdone, Fox’s Bill O’Reilly spearheaded his outrage toward the United Experts Union, “Who do these f*ckers think they are, our Lord Savior the President? I say who’s the expert around here!”
On his show Hannity and Plastic Hannity, Sean Hannity pulpitted, “Can’t we get translators for the Illegal Immigrant Expert Confederacy across the border? ‘Cause there will never be, and you can quote me on this, any neoliberal-black pinko-military politico ANALYST cutting into my stash!”
Former neocon but now spokesman for the United Experts Union, Karl Rove Jr. countered, “They’re holding the families of Fox News experts hostage at GITMO. How else do you explain their gratis Judas-ism?”
Vice President Dick Cheney defended the Administration’s policy on Meet the Press, “You can’t have expert freedom of speech WITH PAY during a time of war. It undermines our troops and encourages gay pregnancies.”
“This aggression shall not stand,” said President Bush during his Rose Garden speech. “It is an attack on the economy to demand fair pay for labor! And I will do all I can to protect the American people from this new player in the Axis of Evil. You can count on it!”
But at the back of the crowd sits a costumed hero who mutters, “Your Vacuous Victory, your Violation of even Victims shall be soon be un-Vindicated. For today I Verify that before ’07 has Vanished, V-Day begins. The People shall be Voiced.”
Report thisBy Peter, February 5, 2007 at 4:59 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
As one of those so-called experts, I truly enjoyed your post! Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a boycott of the experts!
Report thisBy 127001, February 5, 2007 at 4:02 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Made my day!
Report this