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Reports

Satire by Andy Borowitz: God Denies Talking to Pat

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Posted on Jan 5, 2007

By Andy Borowitz

Just days after the Rev. Pat Robertson claimed on his “700 Club” program that God had warned him of “mass killings” that would occur in the United States late in 2007, God held a rare press conference today to deny having spoken to the controversial televangelist.

For the usually publicity-shy King of the Universe, the press conference at the Chicago Airport Marriott signaled a sharp break with tradition.

Appearing before the press in his trademark flowing robes and white beard, and carrying what appeared to be a lightning bolt, God said he had decided to convene the extraordinary press briefing because “I had to set the record straight about this.”

“I want to make it clear that at no time at the end of the year did I have any conversation with the Rev. Pat Robertson,” the Supreme Being said. “Personally, I think the guy is delusional.”

God then distributed his personal phone logs for the month of December to prove that he had in fact no contact with the Rev. Robertson.

“I don’t make a habit of talking to TV personalities,” God emphasized. “Although on New Year’s Eve I did have a brief chat with Ryan Seacrest to wish him good luck.”

Answering a reporter’s question, God acknowledged that with war raging around the globe, 2006 had been a “difficult year” for the forces of goodness, but he remained upbeat, pointing to some of his accomplishments in the year just past.

“At least I got Judith Regan fired,” he said.

Elsewhere, Britney Spears checked into a rehab center after being driven there by her 1-year-old son, Sean Preston.

Copyright 2007 Creators Syndicate

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By 127001, April 21, 2007 at 1:36 pm #

Referencing: #65480 by RobertBennett on 4/21 at 8:47 am

Yes Bob Bennett…

You certainly are adolescent and stupid.

Hasn’t God told you yet, or are you just trying to keep it a secret?

Report this

By RobertBennett, April 21, 2007 at 8:47 am #

Mr. Borowitz,

There is a difference between satire, and adolescent stupidity.

But, given that you’re in the good graces of Truthdig, I don’t suppose it’s necessary for you to know the difference.

Peace,
Bob Bennett
Lick Skillet, Alabama

Report this

By Ben Takin, January 15, 2007 at 5:08 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

“How long would it take before his actions and words were silenced?”

Jerry,
How long did it take before they killed MLK?

Report this

By Jerry Barker, January 14, 2007 at 8:01 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Polly Ester,

I love and appreciate your reply, but to explain further to all who may be witnessing…

How would THOSE who might believe in a return of Jesus, really know, trust and believe that it was indeed the being past? and.... as he became increasingly more of a social and material threat to the ruling powers of religion, greed, prejudice, racism etc....

How long would it take before his actions and words were silenced?

As all history has shown, If a King does not destroy or threaten destruction (in this world) he does not rule.

I haven’t experienced anyone definitly answering these two question.

Report this

By Polly Ester, January 12, 2007 at 4:38 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

“If Jesus returned to the Earth today, who would believe and how long would it take to kill him this time?”

Jerry,
Cute poem--my mom wrote poetry like that, to answer your question, today Jesus would be in a soup kitchen or at Gitmo--he would be fighting against injustice, just like he did in the past. He would consider the prosperity gospel an abomination.

Report this

By Jerry Barker (A.S.A), January 12, 2007 at 11:35 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

This is a poem that was written by yours truly 35 years ago in frustration to the idea of Religious superiority.

RELIGION
ASA SATVA AKWAABA

RELIGION IS LIKE A WAGON WHEEL
WITH EVERY FAITH A SPOKE.
TRUE FAITH LIES IN THE HARMONY OF THE WHEEL
AND WEAKENS WHEN A SPOKE IS BROKE.
ON THE EDGE OF THE WHEEL, THERE LIES THE RIM
WHERE EVERY SPOKE IS ATTACHED.
A PATH CONNECTING ALL THE SPOKES.
MAKING ALL AN EQUAL MATCH.
FOR IF ONE SPOKE IS GREATER THAN THE REST
AND LIES ON THE RIM WITHIN.
THE BALANCE OF THE WHEEL WOULD NOT BE SOUND
AND DESTRUCTION WOULD THEN BEGIN.
AND TO THOSE WHO CLAIM THEIR SPOKES TO BE BEST,
TO THEM I SAY TAKE HEED.
FOR TO HAVE A WHEEL WITH ONLY ONE SPOKE
IS TO RISK DANGER INDEED.
BESIDES THE RIM AND THE SPOKES UPON
THERE ALSO LIES A CENTER.
IT’S HERE IN THE HUB, IN THE CENTER OF THE WHEEL
WHERE ALL THE SPOKES DO ENTER.
THE HUB IS LIKE THE FOCUS OF ALL,
THE WHOLE SHALL HAVE NO NAME.
BUT IN THAT HOLE ALL EXISTS
AND ALL SPOKES ARE
SEEN THE SAME.
PREACH NOT THE HUB FROM JUST ONE SPOKE
AND GIVE NOT THE REST A CALL.
FOR THE HUB IS ATTACHED TO NOT ONE SPOKE
THE HUB IS ATTACHED TO ALL.

COPYWRITTEN TO JERRY BARKER JULY 2, 1971

San Shr San

A question for thought:

If Jesus returned to the Earth today, who would believe and how long would it take to kill him this time?

Open for comments.

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By Michelle, January 10, 2007 at 12:33 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I don’t want to be a Child of the God that gives Pat prophesy. And if HE had, what would that say about the available pool of messengers? Could the Bible be so very wrong concerning prognosticators, Pat?

Report this

By ajay, January 9, 2007 at 10:54 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Unique satire.

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By Ron Ranft, January 8, 2007 at 11:33 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Pat Robertson is proof there is no GOD. If there is a GOD, would he/she/it/they waste their time talking to Pat, or Orel, or Jerry or George? And if he/she/it/they being the all-knowing, all-powerful being that we are told can’t make any better or accurate predictions than their spokes persons, then GOD doesn’t have any better credentials than you or I. Why all the shock and awe over a being who speaks stupid things through stupid people? Or else, dare it say it for fear of being struck by a lightning bolt?...there isn’t a GOD and these fools are just making it all up. And the rest of the fools are all believing it!

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By Tony Shields, January 8, 2007 at 9:43 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

FYI: Although God probably created almost everything - I don’t think he could have brought a lightning bolt to the press conference, because lightning belongs to The God of Thunder (Gene Simmons of KISS)

Report this

By God, January 8, 2007 at 8:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Pat, go to hell.

Report this

By John Hanks, January 8, 2007 at 12:52 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Anyone who claims that “God” speaks to him is either a crook or a sucker.  The holy spirit is a presence or a tenderness.  It is not an advisor.

Report this

By John, January 8, 2007 at 9:29 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Pat’s warning must in fact be taken as a terrorist threat. Let’s lock him up.

Report this

By James, January 8, 2007 at 8:26 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I’m sure we all know what type of “proficy” Pat is interested in ! (pun intended)

Report this

By 127001, January 7, 2007 at 7:46 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

ROFLMAO!

Apparently Pat has been reading too many of the astrology sites, both Eastern and Western. Granted, I follow them as well, and consider them accurate GUIDES. It’s true we have some planetary transits right now that are causing a great deal of global tension. And the Eastern philosophy, with its generations of experience, has a similar “prediction” but is more balanced with the coming “good luck” areas for 2007 ...

One very important “good luck” forecast by the Chinese astrologists is that all those ugly little secrets and tyrannical bulliies ... those who lie, cheat, and steal ...

will be exposed! for what they are.

Now, isn’t that something positive to look forward to. Just expose them, don’t kill ‘em. Humiliation lasts a long time.

Report this

By Quy Tran, January 7, 2007 at 6:29 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

God said that he was losing face (if he really had a face) when Robertson used him to make more dollars to feed his mistress. God also promised that he will send Robertson to 18th stage of hell and he’ll live there forever, no way to be reborn as human being !

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By dreaming of peace, January 7, 2007 at 5:58 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I really enjoyed that!  Thank you.  What arrogance and hubris Pat Robertson has.

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By Moe Hare, January 7, 2007 at 5:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

So when is God, going to tell Pat to go to hell!

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By Donnelman, January 7, 2007 at 7:43 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

This I liked. Very funny. With all the obscene uses religion is put to it’s nice to see how a little gentle satire can bring back a bit of perspective.

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By Tom McKenny, January 7, 2007 at 5:13 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Speaking of the televangelist, Pat Robertson: When is someone going to put him to sleep?

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By davr, January 6, 2007 at 11:52 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

9/11 happened on Bush’s watch.  It was Bush’s fault. 

The mess in Iraq is no accident.  When bargaining with someone, like the Bush/Republicans are bargaining with Iraq for their oil, etc. you always bargain from a position of strength. 

It is necessary to keep Iraq in a big fouled up mess to insure the Bush/Republicans get the best deal they can from the Iraqis.

The price we’re paying in lost lives, wounded and dollars is inconsequential to the Bush/Republicans because they are not paying that price.  The American people are.  That’s another axiom of business...you always finance your undertakings with someone else’s money (time, work, money, lives, suffering, etc.).

Report this

By davr, January 6, 2007 at 11:22 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

So, when is God going to tell Pat to stop screwing his underage choir girls?

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By Frank Rizzo, January 6, 2007 at 7:21 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I think Pat may have God and the Devil confused. God wouldn’t bother with such a phoney friend of the world greedmeister. That is the devils department.

Report this

By Polly Ester, January 6, 2007 at 5:10 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

And also before ending his press conference, God said he would be taking a vacation; but he clarified by saying that when he vacations he goes to places that thrive on hate and death—-I’ll visit the Middle East, and stop at Iraq and Palestine, I’ll stop at Somalia and check out Ethiopia and Kenya—-I’ll make a pit stop at Darfur—-there is so much to see-- death and destruction is rampant, I guess you think, it’s unimaginable for a benevolent God to allow such devastation; but I’m not responsible for your mess—-so just remember that—-you’ve been given freedom to make a choice—-so don’t let con men, shamans, and holy men make the choices for you, and say it came from me—-Happy New Year.

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By HeadlessHessian, January 6, 2007 at 3:26 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

If you are paying this guy anything for this crap, you are being ripped off.
Yawn...last time I waste anytime reading this guys boring stuff.

Headless

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By Dr. Knowitall, PhD,PhD, January 6, 2007 at 3:23 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

With all due respect to a man of the cloth, I don’t think there’s anything at all controversial about The Reverand Pat Robertson.  Andy should be careful.  God doesn’t take too kindly to mockery, the bible tells us.  Next thing you know, there’ll be hurricanes, blizzards, war, fires, murders, child molestations in churches, and majority upsets in congress, and we wouldn’t want any of that.

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By Stevie Smith, January 6, 2007 at 1:09 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Thanks, Andy.  Nice to hear from God, too.

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By Chaseme, January 6, 2007 at 3:14 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

God is too busy to even begin to think of Pat Robertson, “he” still haven’t found time to prioritize the Iraq war.

However, after scoring an NFL touchdown, those guys seem to be speaking to someone as they point in a grateful gesture to the heavens.

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