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 Andy Borowitz: Bush’s New Year’s ResolutionsPosted on Dec 28, 2006In an unprecedented televised address to the nation last night, President George W. Bush announced a list of his New Year’s resolutions for 2007, telling the American people, “I am a big believer in abiding by resolutions, as long as they don’t come from the United Nations.” The following is a list of the president’s New Year’s resolutions: “I resolve to pay close attention to the recommendations of the Iraq Study Group’s report, as soon as it comes out on a books-on-tape version.” “I resolve to make sure that by the end of 2007, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki gets to spend more time with his family.” “I resolve to tell John Kerry that I thought his joke was hilarious and he should keep ’em coming.” “I resolve to learn how to use the Internets, especially the Google.” “I resolve to invite Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez to a peacemaking lunch at Taco Bell.” “I resolve to organize a hunting trip for Dick Cheney and Nancy Pelosi.” “I resolve to expand the search for Osama bin Laden to include MySpace.” “I resolve to clear all of the brush at my Crawford ranch, except for that patch I use to hide from Cindy Sheehan.” “I resolve to continue my opposition to gay parents, unless one of them is named Cheney.” “I resolve to improve relations with Latin America by building a 700-foot fence around Barb and Jen.” “And, finally, my fellow Americans, I resolve to announce an exit strategy, in which I will withdraw all of our troops from Iraq—through Iran.”
Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book, “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Bush the Infallible
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Jump to Comments
By james j, January 3, 2007 at 4:23 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
To Stop Smokeing acid laced with crack, What else would make him send MORE troops to Iraq
Report thisBy SteelMagnolia, January 3, 2007 at 10:41 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
I resolve to check myself in the Gitmo Rehab Center for war criminals and take my entire cadre of crooks, liars and thieves with me.
Report thisBy Polly Ester, January 3, 2007 at 8:38 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
“Why is everyone so hard on Dick Cheney? So he shot a lawyer - who among us hasnt wanted to do that?”
Wayne,
Report thisToo bad Cheney is not an attorney, because if he shot himself he would kill two crummy birds with one rifle.
By David Macaray, January 3, 2007 at 8:28 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Very funny--as always, Andy Borowitz!
Unfortunately, being the raggedy-assed evangelical Christian he is, Bush doesn’t believe in the efficacy of resolutions. As Bush has indicated in several speeches and interviews, the fate of the world lies in the hands of God.
Report thisBy Wayne Gallant, January 2, 2007 at 4:51 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
Why is evryone so hard on Dick Cheney? So he shot a lawyer - who among us hasn’t wanted to do that? ;>)
Report thisBy Eleanore Kjellberg, December 31, 2006 at 8:16 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
I resolve not to eat pretzels, because if I choke and drop dead Cheney will be president.
Report thishttp://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/1758848.stm
By Polly Ester, December 30, 2006 at 6:47 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)
I resolve that I will read one newspaper a daynot including the Star.
I resolve to take a public speaking course at a local community college.
I resolve that I will not take marksmanship lessons from Cheney, if Im not sober.
And most of all, I resolve to get Botox injections or a mini lift; six years in the White House really took a toll on my punim.
Report thisBy Quy Tran, December 30, 2006 at 10:31 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
There’s absolutely no new year resolutions for GWB. During his long rule of dominance every year resolutions have been flushed down to TOILET !
A big big FART when he’s saying 2007 resolutions.
Nobody believes in him and his dynasty.
Report thisBy HeadlessHessian, December 30, 2006 at 9:19 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Dumb!
Report thisBy GW=MCHammered, December 30, 2006 at 9:05 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
Bush ‘07 Resolutions We’d Like To See:
“I promise to donate my Crawford ranch to the rebuilding of New Orleans.”
“I gift my Presidential retirement income to my latest charity ‘The Wounded Families of My Iraq War.’ And I expect my millionaire base to donate richly.”
“I resolve to collect every dime of hedged yet due corporate tax and restore proper Mental Health Care in this country.”
“I also promise to transfuse our afflicted Health Care System with an affordable, healthier imported model.”
“I will rebuild Iraq using Iraqis and pay for it and My War, not with US taxpayer money, but with Middle East oil baron capital. Just watch me.”
“I will end the ‘K-Street Congress Inc. Connection’ that has cost this nation its democracy and restore international trade that pays the American Worker their fair bounty.”
“And as God as my witness, I will secure US borders or give up my entourage of bodyguards and leave unlocked all my doors from this year forth.”
Report thisBy John Bottorff, December 30, 2006 at 5:23 am #
(Unregistered commenter)
The amazing thing is that we as a nation continue to keep this immoral religious zealot in office. Our imploding reputation amongst the world has reached an eternal low. The .99 cent education he exemplifies from his inane remarks never cease to astound the astute, enraptured audience of uneducated and apathetic americans. We are proactively protecting ourselves from terrorists? Really.....
Report thisWhen, as a country are we going to realize that the true terrorism is fostered in all of our illegimate war profiteering machine that is the White House. Let us stop the charade, swallow our enigmatic, misplaced pride and begin to heal our lost country. STOP THE INSANITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!