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Satire by Andy Borowitz: Starbucks on the Moon

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Posted on Dec 8, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

Vowing to boldly go where no gourmet coffee chain has ever gone before, Starbucks Inc. announced today that it would build its first coffee franchise on the moon by the year 2020.

While the coffee giant raised eyebrows in the restaurant and aerospace industries with its startling announcement, it stunned Wall Street with its plan to expand to over 11,000 lunar coffeehouses by 2021.

At a press conference at the company’s Seattle headquarters, Starbucks spokesperson Carol Foyler said that NASA’s decision to build a manned base on the lunar surface by the year 2020 motivated Starbucks’ decision to expand moonward.

“Those astronauts are going to be working long and hard to build that moon base and we’re betting they’re going to want a latte or two,” Ms. Foyler says. “Fortunately for them, there’ll be a Starbucks on the edge of every crater.”

But Starbucks’ decision to expand to 11,000 stores by 2021 inspired skepticism among restaurant industry experts, who wondered if there was a large enough market for gourmet coffee on the moon to justify such accelerated growth.

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“The biggest problem is that there is no life on the moon,” said Nick Klujian, an analyst at Morgan Stanley. “They’d be much better off on Mars.”

In response to Mr. Klujian’s comment, Starbucks responded: “Did we say the moon? We meant Mars. Sorry, we got the order wrong.”

Elsewhere, spokespersons for Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn said that the couple has broken up but remain good friends, according to a story published today in Like I Care magazine.

(c) 2006, Creators Syndicate Inc.


Elsewhere: .

Comments

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By Eleanore Kjellberg, December 11, 2006 at 7:05 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

ekarhu,
Actually, I though my comment was amusing.

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By ekarhu, December 11, 2006 at 9:42 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I am not sure which is more alarming: the lack of sense of humor on the part of the author or of truthdig readers as reflected in the comments.

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By Big Bob W, December 10, 2006 at 11:38 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

MOONopoly…

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By Homebrew, December 10, 2006 at 3:08 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Since I dislike Starbucks coffee, I’m glad I don’t have to work on the moon or Mars and be subject to their inferior products. That’s what you get from monopolies…crud.

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By Alan Martine, December 10, 2006 at 10:10 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

This would be funny were it not so probable. Barring some serious problem affecting Starbucks (e.g., the finding of a causal relationship between coffee and cancer), it is more than likely that Starbucks, along with McDonalds (serving Coca-Cola, of course), will be the first company and product on the moon.

Borowitz may think he is simply being humorous, but - sadly or not - he is actually being prescient.

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By Eleanore Kjellberg, December 9, 2006 at 11:07 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

And what’s even more exciting is Starbucks plans to put even more “kick” into their coffee—-their caffeinated potables are so intense, that aeronautical engineers have figured out a way of using Starbucks coffee as an alternative energy source.  So, eventually we only need one nozzle to fill up our car, spaceship and coffee mug.

Let’s hope that this preoccupation with the coffee bean won’t cause a pre-emptive strike of Brazil.

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By Dr. Knowitall, PhD, Phd, December 9, 2006 at 12:15 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Very well illustrates the serious disconnect between corporate thinking and reality in this country.  I think I’m gonna kill myself, now that my last hope/refuge for serenity and reason is going to be invaded and defiled.

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