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May 24, 2013
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 Andy Borowitz: Electronic Voting Machine Slays NinePosted on Nov 3, 2006The state of Florida was on high alert today as an electronic voting machine that was being tested in advance of next Tuesday’s midterm election went berserk and killed nine in a terrifying rampage. The rogue machine, which Florida officials said was state of the art in touchscreen technology, was undergoing a routine test in Tallahassee when election workers observed that it was “behaving strangely.” After a worker conducting the test touched the machine’s screen to register a vote for Democratic Sen. Bill Nelson, the machine registered 20,000 votes for his Republican challenger, Katherine Harris, and then started spewing smoke and sparks. As election workers ran for cover, the voting machine became unmoored from the floor and began trampling everyone and everything in its path. “It was freaky,” said election worker Carol Foyler. “It was almost like the machine was mad that someone tried to vote for a Democrat.” Advertisement Gov. Jeb Bush appeared on television later in the day to urge calm, telling citizens, “Clearly, Florida’s electronic voting machines are still very much a work in progress.” At the White House, spokesman Tony Snow did not directly address the issue of the voting machine’s deadly rampage, choosing instead to make general remarks about the electoral process. “This administration remains steadfast in its support of free and fair elections,” he said, adding, “in Iraq.” Elsewhere, in recognition of his invaluable contribution to the fall election campaign, President Bush awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom to Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass). Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Republican Playbook.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com. Previous item: Iranian Ex-President: U.S. Mideast Policy a ‘Joke’ Next item: Truthdiggers of the Week: The Voting Machine Crusaders New and Improved CommentsIf you have trouble leaving a comment, review this help page. Still having problems? Let us know. If you find yourself moderated, take a moment to review our comment policy. |
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By Tomack, November 7, 2006 at 2:08 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Immediately after I hit the dem ticket, at approximately 7:30 am this morning, the touchscreen machine “hocked a loogie” in my face. Later analysis proved the spew to be a mixture of 3-1 oil, Lava soap, and whale sperm. Where the Lava soap came from I’ll never know.
On the reporting side: I have heard two reports—first hand—that the touchscreen machines near a major PA college, and one in downtown Oakland, CA, both were on the fritz for four hours. Cooincidence more than likely, but thought it worth reporting. Both precints are heavily dem side. Kudos to my son who waited four hours until the machine was fixed. He said many others did not have the patience. Hopefully they will come back…after dinner and the Seinfeld rerun.
Report thisBy Stanley Gold, November 7, 2006 at 6:47 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad. It should be impossible for anyone with a brain, to be comfortable knowing that their vote for candidate “A” could somehow be credited to candidate"B”. What an interesting situation! Hey, the year is 2006, not 1906. Getting our act together is long overdue. Doesn’t anybody give a damn?
Report thisBy us marine, November 6, 2006 at 8:14 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
its been eight hours, im surprised not to see anymore comments. i am interested to hear what people have to think as well as start a forum, but ill assume silence is consent and this is reasuring because i had a sneaking suspicion that my thoughts and facts would go unchallenged. its sad to see so many people in this land suscribe to the media that is presented before them without investigating on their own. i include liberals, conservatives, democrats and republicans. there are many things worth challenging about this administration, but challenge the things that you want! not the one youre leaders tell you to. if you choose not to think for youreself than you are a lemming. i believe we can all learn from each other.
Report thisBy us marine, November 6, 2006 at 10:00 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
thats hillarious! they should pit the crazed voting machine against the crooked monster that ate my absentee ballot and air it on T.V. how come no one complains or reports, or laughs about the tousands of military ballots that were not counted.
Report thisBy Bukko in Australia, November 5, 2006 at 4:46 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Yeah, but did it kill Democrats, independents or Republicans? Because if it was the latter, I can’t be bothered. And exactly how did it kill them? Is this what they mean by “hanging chads”?
Report thisBy Casey, November 4, 2006 at 8:25 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Are you positive this isn’t really true?
Report thisLMAO! I needed a good laugh. :o)