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Reports

Andy Borowitz: Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson to Build Movie Studio on the Moon

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Posted on Aug 25, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

Embattled actors Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson served notice to the entertainment industry that they intend to keep marching to the beat of a different drum by announcing today that they will build the first movie studio on the moon.

Industry insiders speculated that the actors’ decision to build the first lunar movie studio was motivated in part by their dwindling career options on the planet Earth.

“Tom Cruise just got dropped by Paramount for being too crazy, which in the movie business is really saying something,” said Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene. “And Mel Gibson can’t get arrested, except on the Pacific Coast Highway.”

But in a press conference at Cape Canaveral today, the two actors denied that the state of their earthly careers had caused them to shift their attention moonward, with Mr. Gibson telling reporters, “The great thing about the moon is that it isn’t controlled by one specific group of people, if you know what I mean.”

When a reporter noted that the moon has no people at all, Mr. Cruise became argumentative: “Who told you that? Psychiatrists? Brooke Shields? That is such a load of cr—!”

According to Mr. Schlantz, Mr. Cruise’s departure for the moon could result in the first public appearance of his daughter, Suri Cruise.

“Like Paramount, Suri has been trying to put some distance between herself and Tom,” he said. “If he leaves the planet, she’ll come out of hiding.”

Elsewhere, obesity increases one’s chances of premature death, according to a study published today in Duh magazine.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Republican Playbook,” to be published in October. To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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By Mike, May 21, 2008 at 6:49 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Reuters owned by a pharmaceutical company?!!!!  Are you serious?  How can you spew that crap without even checking.  You’re an idiot.

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By draymond, November 19, 2007 at 12:38 pm #

>“Elsewhere, obesity increases one’s chances of premature death, according to a study published today in Duh magazine.”

Hey, there actually is a DUH! Magazine now… http://www.duhmagazine.com

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By The Gadfly, September 18, 2006 at 11:01 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Poke fun of him all you want, but you know damn well that Mel Gibson was right in what he said about Jews on the night he was arrested.

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By Janice, September 7, 2006 at 11:54 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I think Tom Cruise is being black balled because he had the balls to criticize the pharmaceutical industry….. hasn’t anyone noticed, but at least 80% of the ads on Good Morning America are for Lunesta, Viagra, etc, etc. I am not a Scientologist, but I do agree with the idea that we can heal ourselves to a greater extent than the corporations would lead you to believe.

I think it is very, very sad that Tom keeps getting slammed for jumping on Oprah’s sofa- big deal! He’s a tightly wired, high energy, athletic guy! How is enthusiastically declaring your love more scandelous than high speed drunk driving, and anti-semetic and sexist statements? It seems that the media (and the public) is forgive and forgetting Mel Gibson’s ugliness faster than Tom’s enthusiasm. Right wing, corporate conspiracy? I think so.

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By Mandy, August 29, 2006 at 4:12 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Tom is a nut case!

Mel Gibson - I would watch any movie he ever makes!  He is fabulous

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By Needlerdamus, August 28, 2006 at 11:07 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

“People live longer and healthier lives now than at any time in history.”

The bahbull says that we used to live longer..like as in the hundreds of years…but then what constitutes a day?

Cribson humor rules!

I predict that: 
-wifey’s career will take a backseat to controversy, unless she wins an academy award and has the street cred to lose the bad habit she calls “husband.”
—Suri will grow up to be embarassed by T’s antics and turn to the very same drugs he hates to cope with her catastrophe of a life, and after the “divorce”
—-wifey will write a best-seller, thus saving her economic place in history. 

Hopefully she hasn’t signed a contract preventing her venting.

It is written…

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By matty, August 28, 2006 at 12:46 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

No… Tom Cruise is crazy.  So is Nicholas Cage and John Trivolta.  Pretty much anyone who talks to an empty box with an LCD screen on it and believes that their body is inhabited by aliens tends to be, well… CRAZY.

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By kevin99999, August 28, 2006 at 5:26 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

As I said it before…I dont see what Tom Cruise has done that is that terrible. He has been a highly successful actor and has made a score of good entertaining movies and I hope he will continue to do so. The media and public outcry is more weired to me than what Tom Cruise has done.

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By Anonymous, August 28, 2006 at 4:05 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

To #20118 and #20116: I know there are a lot of bad aspects to the pharmaceutical industry, but from personal experience, I can tell you that certain anti-depressant drugs have saved my life, and the life of others that I care about. It’s a little too simplistic to demonize an entire industry. People live longer and healthier lives now than at any time in history. Are there things we need to work on? Sure, we know that we’re not completely there yet, but modern medicine (and that includes pharmaceuticals) helps many people. We also need to remember that Tom Cruise is not a doctor, and is no way qualified to dispense any kind of medical advice.

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By Henri, August 27, 2006 at 12:58 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I guess Paramount thought they got all they could out of Cruise. I used to think Scientology was bullshit, but after I personally spent a year or two institutionalized, being humiliated to the extreme and forced to eat medicine for “mental illness” that screwed up my body (I lost sexual function (fortunately not permanently) and gained almost twice my original weight) I’ve certainly changed my mind. A lot of great artists have died because of psychiatry and Cruise certainly has a right to tell that to the public.

What kind of a wimpy world are we headed for if you get the boot if you state your mind? I would think Truthdig would side with someone that has the guts to say something exept “fur is bad” or “I want to be a doctor to fight desease”. Does anyone remember lobotomy? Yes, what a great way to help people by drilling a hole in the brain. How stupid do you have to be to think that that doesn’t violate the hippocratic “do no harm” oath.

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By Jon, August 27, 2006 at 12:14 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

There are two kinds of religious followers. One is for bloodshed, us vs them and had a history of genocide, gender and racial intolerance, aggression, our god is better than your god(s) and had been committing all sorts of crime against humanity. The second kind of religious followers are for peace, definitely not for crime against humanity. Tom Cruise belongs to the latter category. After all, he didn’t propagate killings in the name of god or jesus.

Lets judge a tree by the fruits it bear.

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By Ion Constantine Laskaris, August 26, 2006 at 2:46 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

It is a welcome sign of good public health to ridicule this Tom Cruise clown act, if he thinks there may be men in the moon. As for Scientology
it is mental rubbish, run by psychic manipulators
who exploit the credulous and weak.

As for the boobie with the Jesus Christ Superstar complex, “Gibson of Gethsemane Hill”, this kind of reactionary protestant goon makes a mockery of
most of what Jesus of Nazareth stood for, and died
for. Gibson wont die from anything, except, quite likely, cirrhosis of the liver! Amen!

Ion C. Laskaris, Burlington,Vt. + iclrevusa.com

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By GW=MCHammered, August 26, 2006 at 10:12 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Anyone who has seen all Tom Cruise films, cried at Passion of the Christ, and voted for G-dubya twice, please step forward because… you are our winners! Two weeks paid vacation at the first “Lunar Movie Studio as it is built.

*BYOS (bring your own spacesuit)

Sponsored by Duh magazine and Fox News

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By jeanruss, August 26, 2006 at 8:57 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

the crime Tom Cruise committed was criticizing the pharmaceutical industry. They will try to destroy him because he was an admired person that told the truth about the drugs used for psychological diseases. I believe Reuters news service is owned by a pharmaceutical company. They are trying to control info regarding health and drugs. I often see misleading info from reuters regarding vitamin studies as well. As more people are becoming wary of chemicals, pesticides and drugs, the drug companies are trying to stifle info as well as cheerleaders like Cruise.

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By kevin99999, August 26, 2006 at 8:06 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Its not Tom Cruise that is crazy as much as the media and the public. Exactly what did he do earn that scorn from the media? I admit that I wasnt crazy about his show of emotion (jumping off and on the couch)about his new love life….but is that a crime or so bad? I am not also crazy about crazy about scientology….but thats just me. I thought we were living in a free country. He did not hit or kill anyone. I dont get it all this dumping on this guy. I think its media chasing controversy of its creation for the almighty dollar.

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