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Andy Borowitz: Man in Coma for 19 Years Asks to Go Back to Sleep

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Posted on Jul 14, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

In what members of the medical community are calling an unprecedented development, a man who recently awoke from a 19-year coma has asked doctors to put him back to sleep.

At a press conference in Jacksonville, Fla., today, the man, Jason Deloit, 43, told reporters that at first he was excited to be conscious again, “But then I turned on the TV.”

Mr. Deloit said that the first images he saw on television were those of President George W. Bush giving a press conference.

“I was happy at first, because I thought, well, good, ‘Saturday Night Live’ is still on, and that’s my favorite show,” he said. “Then I realized that it was actually the real president at the White House, and I became very depressed.”

After hearing the president field questions about Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo, Mr. Deloit “couldn’t take it anymore.”

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Seeking escapism, Mr. Deloit changed the channel and saw hotel heiress Paris Hilton starring in the latest installment of her hit television show “The Simple Life.”

“That was really the straw that broke the camel’s back,” he said. “I don’t want to live in a country that exploits a mentally impaired person like that.”

Mr. Deloit’s doctor said that putting his patient back into a coma state would create an ethical quandary for the medical community: “Millions of other people would want the same thing.”

Elsewhere, a spokesman for the U.S. government said that it would soon issue terror alerts on Americans’ wireless phones, explaining, “It’ll be easy, since we’re already on the line listening in.”

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website,  www.creators.com.


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By phil, April 11, 2012 at 10:18 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is from the Onion, why is this on a website like truthdig without it clearly being labeled as satire? There are too many people out there who do not have the intellectual capacity to distinguish fiction from reality. My faith in this website has been lost.

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By Anonomous, April 6, 2012 at 7:47 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is obviously satire. If you think this is a
legitimate story, you are dumb.

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By Kirby, May 28, 2007 at 12:13 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

uh, if he was in a coma for 19 years, how would he even recognize George W. Bush as president?

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By Omnius, July 24, 2006 at 9:05 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Can’t say I wouldn’t be tempted myself, given the choice.

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By marge, July 17, 2006 at 7:31 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

most people i’ve met who are republicans are in this kind of blissful state of denial about everything, not unlike the administration.

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By Bukko in Australia, July 17, 2006 at 4:26 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Sad that there are so many outpourings of psychic pain about the state of the world on left-wing sites. Do you suppose it’s the same on right-wing boards? Or is it rage? “I’m so angry at the mess the godless liberals and Muslims have made of the planet!”

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By Good Grief, July 17, 2006 at 1:39 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Geesus -
Who wants to read a freekin’ diatribe from Deborah on the state of the world in the comments section of a satirical story.
Someone please put ME in a coma.

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By Jonathan, July 16, 2006 at 12:49 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I understand your point,  Jason,  Deborah,  Sylvia, and all others,

It was once a beautiful world, innocent and serene, but now who even wants to stay here any longer.

The Universe hears your heart ....... and IT is answering.  http://shillum.net

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By Bernard, July 16, 2006 at 7:42 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz!

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By marge, July 16, 2006 at 1:56 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

(in response to a few laughable comments below)

lord…
the internet, supposedly existing to spread information and one would then assume intellect, is falling down on its job. satire. come on, people.

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By Bukko in Australia, July 15, 2006 at 9:59 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Umm, I hope this doesn’t depress you, but after reading your comment, you might want to check out the link about the anti-abortionist who took an Onion story seriously.

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By Robert Sawdey, July 15, 2006 at 9:55 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I’m not belittling your comment, Sylvia, but this WAS A JOKE!

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By Deborah L. Frank, July 15, 2006 at 4:42 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Back in the 60’s-70’s, I thought the world a miserable place, and was the only serious member of ZPG (that’s Zero Population Growth, for those of you who forgot, never heard of it, or ever dreamed such a concept could be espoused back then by college students as one way to try and spare misery to the already overpopulated globe AT THAT TIME. WOW!Look how many people paid attention to THAT one!You gotta laugh,mirthlessly. At some reunion, I was the only woman there with no children, with the exception of a very successful lesbian, who was also the only other smoker.I moved to D.C., knowing no one, and endured The Reagan Greed Years, only to have GB Sr. elected.  His wife scared me more than did he.I thought she was the Anti-Christ.Boy was I was wrong:just the Madre of the Anti-Christ, and other unsavory spawn.NOW I look at the world, the suicide attempts I survived, and how ironic it is that this is the worst it’s ever been since I came into existence in ‘51.Please, I once wrote Dr. Kervorkian, who politely turned me down.If you find a kind Coma Doctor, someone let me know!I’m on Disability,strung-out on opiates for chronic pain, and feel robbed of any goodness and beauty I grew up loving.I don’t hold out any hope for “mankind”, which is an oxymoron.What in God’s name were these people thinking when they had children? I’m grateful for a childhood with real air and water, safety for kids to play, where you knew your neighbors and locals, average people’s hopes were not crushed by The Society of The Absurdly Wealthy. Jesus in a basket, what a world this has become: controlled by the very richest, the most powerful (sic), and the most deranged rulers since Caligula. I see The Arts, and anything original, unique, being stamped out like flaming bags of dog-doo left on someone’s doorstep. Everything has been regulated:  we vote upon something in a state, and it is just as quickly taken away by Federal Authority. Hasn’t anyone NOTICED that we haven’t any RIGHTS, and PERSONAL FREEDOMS anymore? Church and State are ONE.  No wonder everyone from other countries hates us.  I only wish I had had the wherewithall to expatriate years ago, when it was more possible.  Now, it is just another gigantic profit-generating machine for those who demand, collect, and collect, and make the stakes even higher.  They look upon the average American trying to expatriate much the same way as we did
(or do) the Hispanics trying to come into this county. So where is our Revolucion?  We are too benumbed with the distraction:  the constant struggle to make the car payment, the giant-screen-TV, the clothes, the on-and-on-and-on on those ever mounting credit cards; and no one even sees themselves as the SLAVES that they are and have become.  This whole combination is so egregiously insidious—you don’t need to be like me—stunned on opiates, and locked into The System that sets one up for failure, when of course it would be LOGICAL to fund agencies to train and send those of us who CAN back to work, and get us off the dole.  But there’s something much more insidious going on: keeping people powerless, and knowledgeless, and DOWN—without those decent, paying jobs, and more education—IS part of a system.  I’m not on Disability for being paranoid, by the way!  I’ve just been paying attention in different states, different hospitals, the different credit scams and the impossibility of changing one’s status in spite of “paying” for “credit repair.”  There IS NONE.  A “Bankruptcy”, which they will insist has a temporal limit (7 years, or possibly 10, if there has been a “lein”)NEVER gets removed from your credit.  Try it and see.  You are lied to by everyone, at every institution, including your own bank, where you may think you know the rules, but probably would be surprised to find that you don’t.

In my case, due to hospital records (medical records), and the DMV (I’ve done nothing wrong), an arrest (charges dropped, no court or conviction, as well as staying for a year of therapy, and paying for a supposed “expongement”), a ghastly credit history due to my having NO credit (no credit cards, worse by far than having had credit), I am personally f***** in our former   America as it it once existed, for the pursuit of happiness, which I daresay, would be foolish for most of us without a great deal of money to pay for the lawyers. 

This brings me to my last point, since I don’t wish to bore you with personalized accounts:  you no doubt have filled out dozens and dozens of those “H.I.P.P.A.” forms which guarantee your confidentiality medically.  These are meaningless. 
My own doctor was discussing me, and my medication dosages, with my shrink at their sons’ Boy Scout meetings.  They told me.  My former psychiatrist (we sadly shared a chiropractor) shared with this woman, when, upon missing an appointment with the chiropractor she expressed some concern, the Psychiatrist revealed easily that I has a background of alcoholism and was probably drunk!  This woman is a Navy Psychiatrist, highly thought of, only recently in private practice, but surely she knew better than to do any such thing!  I confronted her, and quit.  I thought about suing her, but I do not have the energy for such things.
There is so much more that’s happened to others; I do strongly caution you to be careful out there.

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By Laura, July 15, 2006 at 9:19 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Comma or not..Bush is very frightening and is ruining the very freedom he preaches about everyday. I respect our soldiers and their need to believe in what they are doing…but it is outrageous that we keep hearing about another young life taken at the hands of this war. He does not have the best interest of the country at heart, I personally feel this is a personal agenda for him. I pray for our soldiers everyday and most of all for the remaining ones to come home and to console the poor families who no longer have their children, husbands, wifes and family members. Vote for Peace!!!!

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By Sylvia Barksdale Morovitz, July 15, 2006 at 7:31 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I completely understand Jason Deloit’s wish to go back to sleep after emerging from his 19 year coma!  It must have been like awakening to an Earth-wide non-stop hallucination.

Approximately 19 years ago, I emerged from just a day long coma following surgery.  I must say that being in the black state of knowing nothing had been the most wonderful part of my almost 30 years of life!  I was left in a suicidal depression for almost a year and fully understand why patients coming out of comas so often committ suicide.

I have a friend who’s aunt underwent a year long coma and regardless of all the psychiatric treatment she received, eventually she killed herself by going to sleep with plastic bags tied around her head.

Of course, it is a quandry for doctors but here again is a case where assisted suicide should be carefully considered.  It should definitely be practiced in such scenarios.  The pain of a living hell far outweighs any moral or religious objections.

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