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Andy Borowitz—Kim Jong-Il: I Want to Be Villain in New Bond Film

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Posted on Jul 8, 2006
Blofeld and Kim Jong-Il
Blofeld: swapmeetdave.com; Jong-Il: dictatorofthemonth.com

Arch Bond nemesis Ernest Blofed and North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il: Separated at Birth?

By Andy Borowitz

The question “What does Kim Jong-Il really want?” was definitively answered today when the mercurial North Korean dictator offered to abandon his nuclear weapons program in exchange for the role of the villain in the new James Bond film.

In a press conference in Pyongyang, Mr. Kim said he was prepared to dismantle his entire nuclear program for the chance to play a Bond villain, calling the part “the role of a lifetime.”

“I have been preparing for this role every day of my life,” Mr. Kim said.

In Washington, Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice reacted to the news that Mr. Kim’s bizarre tenure as president of North Korea has been nothing but a Method actor’s preparation for a coveted role.

“The strange pronouncements, the weird haircut, the crazy glasses—it all starts to make sense,” she said.

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According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the Hollywood scene, shifting from being an evil madman bent on world destruction to playing one in a James Bond film could be a brilliant career move for the North Korean dictator.

“Given the longevity of the Bond series, an evil madman could actually stay in power longer in those films than in real life,” Mr. Schlantz said. “Besides, on a film set, Kim Jong-Il can get something that’s almost impossible to find in North Korea—food.”

Elsewhere, doctors debated whether it was their duty to label a child obese, some arguing that it was a job better left to the child’s siblings.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com.


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By Nancy Hutto, November 19, 2006 at 9:28 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

While getting my PHD at Baylor, I studied Kim Jong Il extensively and came to the conclusion he was a great who cared about his people andh he would make a great James Bond.

Nancy Hutto
#1 Producer Kelly Realtors / All Texas
.(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

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By Charlie Cole, July 11, 2006 at 11:41 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Andy,
How could you leave out some of the best parts!!
Like Kim has been preparing for the role for years
by kidnapping South Korean film directors and actresses.

And the glut of Afghan heroin has really got Kim’s North
sucking hind tit on their own “go juice”, cause when the
chips are down, the buffaloes empty. And when the Buffalo’s
empty ‘cause all that craps gone into fueling those
missiles then somebody’s gotta starve. Huuuuuuummmm,
that sounds familiar, but that’s another story…

Love your stuff man.
Charlie Cole

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By heyubob, July 10, 2006 at 11:34 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Q: Are the N. Korean people still starving?

Q: Do starving people make good soldiers?

This, along with all the other neo-con smokescreens, is a ruse.  Neo-cons divert your gaze, like all con-men, so they can steal the money.  Does anyone remember Neil Bush, or Monica L.?  Same S&^%, different day. Get off your ass and get to work, lefties.  STOP THE WAR(S)!
PS.  N.K. missle tests failed, misrably.

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By Shag from Brookline, July 10, 2006 at 3:55 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Kim Jong-II is a variation on the theme of “The Mouse That Roared.”  As John McEnroe would say, “ARE YOU SERIOUS?”  Seinfeld’s Kramer could play “Bigger Me” in the movie.  Maybe George W could get on Kim’s good side by inviting him to Graceland.

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By Fair'n'square, July 9, 2006 at 2:35 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Dear Andy,

would you please give respect where it is due, for once?
Have you people not noticed that Kim Jong-Il runs a text-book governance?
* He protects his country against terrorists.
* He builds strong military to jump-start economy
* His borders are impenetrable to illegal immigrants
* He cut taxes for himself to nothing to create more jobs
* He cut wastefull social spending to nothing

What else, for crying out loud does he need to do to please you?
For myself, I thing he has done all a good republican presidend could.

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By kevkev, July 9, 2006 at 2:34 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

SORRY….....
TOO LATE…....
THE BUSH ADMINISTRATION BEAT HIM TO THE PUNCH.

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