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Andy Borowitz: Bush Opposes Marriage Between a Man and a Flag

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Posted on Jun 30, 2006
Bush and Flag
From deskpicture.com

In what many political observers believe could become an effective wedge issue in the 2006 midterm elections, President George W. Bush today proposed a constitutional amendment banning marriage between a man and a flag.

In a nationally televised address from the Oval Office, the president said that the proposed amendment was intended to protect two embattled American institutions: traditional marriage and the American flag.

“We must define marriage as a union between a man and a woman, and not between a man and a flag,” Mr. Bush said. “Additionally, just as we seek to protect flags from being burned, we must protect them from being married.”

The president’s proposal seemed intended to cause trouble among congressional Democrats, many of whom have no stated opinion on the issue of man-flag unions.

But 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry was quick out of the box in response to the president’s speech, telling reporters, “Before the end of the day, I intend to have at least three or four different positions on this issue.”

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On the other side of the aisle, Mr. Bush’s proposed amendment received immediate support from Sen. Rick Santorum (R-Pa.), who suggested expanding its scope to ban marriage between a man and any inanimate object.

“We should not only forbid marriage between a man and a flag, we should also forbid it between a man and an inflatable love-doll,” he said, adding quickly, “Not that I know about that sort of thing.”

Elsewhere, “The View” co-host Barbara Walters said she was “terrified” Thursday night when a masked assailant broke into her apartment and attempted to eat her.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website, www.creators.com.


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By J Sadler, July 16, 2006 at 6:26 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Not particularly funny - ‘though the subject is such a self-parody it would be difficult to satyrize it effectively .
Which leads into a question I’m interested in airing to the citizenry of the USA in general . Namely , how touchy are you about foreigners criticizing Bush ?
( As a UK citizen I find myself resenting others making fun of the Queen , even while being a strong anti-monarchist myself.)
National identity is hard to lay aside and one would want not to offend the very people needed to change the US government . But….
Jesus Christ !!! your populace voted in this guy TWICE . And not just him , but all these ignorant blow-dried frauds of senators and congressmen .
The population of Britain is massively opposed to our soldiers getting minced in Iraq and Afghanistan , yet seemingly unable to shake our government acting as an American poodle . We , like a lot of the planet have to respond when the US says ‘Jump’ by asking ‘how high’ .
Please,please see past your newspapers and TV .They must be the reason Americans do not see how they are in the service of their monied masters .

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By July Canute, July 5, 2006 at 7:30 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Yeah those people in the northeast sure know how to put a black like Starr jones in her place.  She got way to uppity after she lost that weight and looked so good, skinny, rich and opps, not white.  The KKK has sent engraved invitations to Barb and her viewers to openly join the club.

Paul I think you should re-read the comment about Barb and put it into context of the article.

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By Ron Roston, July 1, 2006 at 7:01 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Bush’s amendment should be named “The Misflagination Amendment.”  Also, the picture in Truthdig is precious.

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By paul kibble, July 1, 2006 at 2:31 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

God bless President Bush! God save the king—-oops, sorry, that’s next year’s title. Anyway, it’s good to know we have someone in the White House who’s willing to stand tall against the latest assault by the man-flag “rights” movement on our traditional values.

Like most loyal, God-fearing Americans, I’m tired of having social policy dictated by all these liberal academic/media elitists and their chief co-conspirators, a bunch of unelected judges—-most of them Carter and Clinton hacks—-whose bleeding-heart snivels about so-called “equality” are a direct slap in the kisser of the beliefs and ideals cherished by most Americans.

As a Christian, I guess I have to be against burning the flag, for the same reasons I’m (sigh!) against burning witches, homosexuals, and books (unless they’re written by Al Franken): there are subtler ways of destroying someone’s life.

However, for those favoring more traditional methods, I recommend the Rev. Fred Phelps website, godhatesflags.com. It’s a real eye-opener, chock full of totally factual info on how the man-flag agenda has corrupted the very fabric of our society! See especially the section on how these “vexillophiles” (that’s what them fancy-pants shrinks calls ‘em) have infiltrated our classrooms and are teaching a whole new generation of kids that it’s just fine and dandy for a man and a flag to “hook up,” as the youngsters say today.

Yes, yes, I know: the Stars-‘n’-Stripes does have its place in our society, just like the old colored gentleman who shines my shoes at the subway station every morning. I’m even willing to admit that, for many years now, it’s been a pretty OK symbol for the unique freedoms we Americans enjoy. As long as it keeps its place and don’t start rocking the social boat, I figure no harm done, right?

Believe or not—-and here I’m going way out on a limb—-I even think it’s alright for the flag to serve in the military, so long as it observes the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” ban. Fact is, back when I was a private stationed at Ft. Bragg, I remember this one flag what was “that way.” Everyone sort of suspected it had a thing for our staff sergeant—-it would kinda flutter funny when he walked by—-and some of us even thought maybe the sarge, like—-what’s that word?—-you know, reciprocated. But far as I know, they never, like, brokeback-mounted each other, if you follow me. (And if they did—-whew, doggies, block that visual, please!)

Anyhows, guess my “live-and-let-live” attitude on this one here issue makes look kinda guilty of the “L” word, huh? And I don’t mean that Showtime series with all those hot chicks—-I mean degenerates—-doing all them excit-, um, disgusting things with each other. Not that I ever watch that kind of perverted trash, of course. (And no, those boxes of Kleenex by my armchair are for my allergies, you dirty-minded commie perverts.)

But NONE, I repeat, N-O-N-E of the above means I believe a man and a flag can ever form the kind of sacred bond that, say, I and my last four wives have had. For once, liberals, admit it: would you want your son to marry a flag? Or worse: your daughter, if she’s wandered (by choice!) off the paths of righteousness onto the grassy knolls of Sappho? Ha! The question is what they call “rectorial.”

Fact is, give these fruit-loop radicals a slice of the pie and suddenly they want the whole bakery. We all know what happens when a man/flag couple decide to play house next door: property values drop straight through Mother Earth to China, which is where all Mao-loving faggots like John Kerry and that Murtha punk want to be anyway. Before you know it, your cute little white picket fence neighborhood has turned into a ghetto of Elks Lodges and VFW Halls, with Old Glory-Hole flashing her ho’s ass on every corner. 

Or take work. Thanks to our affirmative-action “friends,” so-called “equal opportunities” have now become “special rights.” And—-funny thing—-“special rights” usually means just one thing: special holidays. So it’s all about, “Whahhh!, I’m the flag,  I was at Iwo Jima, I deserve the Fourth of July off—-and a special holiday named after me!”  At this rate, the flag will overtake some of our duskier-skinned co-“workers” as Laziest Minority on the Planet.  Well, what the hell else could you expect from someone whose ancestral line can be traced back to an adulterous affair with that proto-feminazi slut Bessie Ross?

I also agree with Senator Santorum that all relationships between a man and any inanimate object should be banned, with the possible exception of the tailpipe of my Ford F-150 pickup.

Finally, I warned Barb what would happen once Starr Jones went off her diet.

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