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Reports

Andy Borowitz: Gore Could Cause ‘Global Boring’

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Posted on May 26, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

The election of former Vice President Al Gore to the White House could result in a disastrous phenomenon called “global boring,” in which millions of people around the world would fall asleep in an unprecedented narcoleptic pandemic.

That is the message of a new documentary about the 2000 Democratic Party standard-bearer that has been produced and narrated by Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) and is being released in selected cities today.

The documentary, titled “An Incoherent Truth,” collects moments from some of Mr. Gore’s most mind-numbing speeches to make a persuasive case that a Gore presidency would set off a doomsday scenario of global tedium.

Speaking at the film’s premiere in New York, Sen. Clinton said that while the film “is not for the squeamish,” it is a cautionary tale “that every American should see, if they can stand to sit through it.”

Insisting that global boring is not a made-up phenomenon but one that is based in scientific fact, Sen. Clinton said that a Gore presidency “would unleash a force of boredom equal to a thousand ‘Da Vinci Codes.’ ”

In his home state of Tennessee, Mr. Gore attempted to discredit the concept of global boring by giving a three-hour speech on the subject. But at the conclusion of Mr. Gore’s address, which was complete with slides, video and PowerPoint demonstrations, there were mixed reviews for his performance.

“I would like to say that Al made his case,” one Gore aide said, “but after 10 minutes, I found myself losing consciousness.”

Elsewhere, NASA launched a new weather satellite in order to give the White House earlier and more accurate hurricane warnings to ignore.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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By sator Arepo, May 31, 2006 at 8:05 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Borowitz, dude - you are so sharp--too sharp!

If I’d suffered from laughter incontinence, it would’ve been like a dam breaking, in here!

But I did spit coffee all over my monitor! Ha!

“...but I lost consciousness” just broke me up! Me, I laughed so hard I nearly lost consciousness!

-----------------------------

Iraq civilian death toll = @ 40,000
U.S. military deaths in Iraq = @2,500
U.S. national debt = $8+ trillion
“food-insecure” households in U.S., as of 2004 = 11.9%/13.5 million households
- and so on....

Laff on, dude!

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By Mary Alice, May 31, 2006 at 3:33 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Let’s face it. Al Gore is a bore. He is smart, informed and is certainly the truth-teller about global warming. But he is boring. I don’t know what he can do about it. I am sure he would make a good president and I wish he could win. Aren’t there any smart, informed, truth-tellers out there with just the tiniest hint of charisma? Call me shallow or maybe call me a realist. I am tired of Gore’s self-deprecating remarks. I am tired of his drone. I am tired of Gore. How about Obama? I know he’s young and unseasoned but he is smart, informed, is no doubt aware of and opposed to global warming and he oozes charisma.

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By Judy, May 30, 2006 at 12:45 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

How disappointing to find this article my first time viewing truthdig.  While listening to Robert Scheer on BookTV/CSPAN2, I was so excited when he mentioned truthdig.  I had enjoyed hearing about his book, Playing President, and had thought him to be an educated, informed, interesting, and analytical columnist.  His reputation made me sure this site would be a wonderful new source, for me, of information (a.k.a the truth) unavailable in the corporate owned media.  I will not judge truthdig by one article but I do question why someone with so little apparent acuity is given space here.

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By secretmojo, May 29, 2006 at 6:23 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

This article is funny and clever in almost exactly the same way Katrina was.

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By Bruce, May 29, 2006 at 5:26 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Reminds me of the “political humor” of Mark Russell.  Smug, self-satisfied pablum. 

One less reason to read Truthdig.

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By Another bored moron, May 29, 2006 at 12:24 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Duh-huh.

Gore, bore, duh-huh… huh-huh-huh.

Deh, Gore boring, smoke em out, ozone boy, duh-huh, grunt.

Huh-huh, what was I saying? Duh-huh, the mud is fun, huh-huh-huh. I’m a complete fucking moron with the attention span of a billiard ball who greatly relishes decades-old jokes at the expense of our planet. Duh-huh-huh.

Gore. Bore. LOL. Slobber. Masturbate. Grunt.

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By AmeriPundit, May 28, 2006 at 7:06 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

1+1= 2 is boring.

John Wayne (my bad- Marion Morrison) was a cowboy and exciting.

Punctuation is boring.

Tom Cruise is a “man’s man” (?) and a “Top Gun” fighter pilot making him exciting.

Reading is boring.

Bruce Willis is the “baddest man” in the world and exciting.

Thinking is boring.

Charlie’s Angels are exciting.

Americans have become boring by a lack of intellectual/patience/analytical void that has turned the bulk of the population into automatons.

Warning:  If you find yourself talking to or yelling at your toaster… seek help from the closest illegal alien who may bring your reality back and place things in perspective.

If not, Chuck Norris and Arnold will defeat all of your meanest enemies without breaking a sweat (but they charge a lot for making you believe that).

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By Bluestocking, May 27, 2006 at 6:26 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

In my opinion, given a choice between boring people and killing people and/or causing their deaths, by far and away the greater sin is to bring about their deaths. I can only assume from Borowitz’s remarks that he believes the reverse to be true. Last time I checked, the total body count (both combatant and civilian) which has so far resulted from the War In Iraq—a war which has been proven more or less unnecessary and which was based on seriously flawed if not outright fraudulent information—numbers in the five figures (by some estimates, six). Let’s face it—most of not all of these people would be alive right now if it weren’t for Bush. True, he didn’t actually pull the trigger himself...but their deaths are ultimately linked to Bush’s insistent decision that we invade Iraq for no satisfactory reason, so his hands are most definitely NOT clean.  First, it was the WMDs which nobody was ever able to find—then, it was to liberate the Iraqi people from an oppressive dictator despite the fact that there are more than a few oppressive dictators around the world whom Bush treats as allies...and on and on and on.

Okay, so maybe Gore isn’t the most electrifying person in the world...but let’s remember that charisma is an *amoral* quality and has no inherent virtue because it can used for malevolent purposes just as easily as it can for benevolent ones. Just because it glitters doesn’t mean that it’s gold—history is full of examples of very charismatic and yet thoroughly evil, brutal, and bloodthirsty people.

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By Robert M. Castle, May 27, 2006 at 4:29 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Facts can be boring but that does not make them irrelevant. But facts are what matter, not the presentation.

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By John Cahill, May 27, 2006 at 3:03 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

You know what really bothers me about this article?  It was mindless nonsense like this, and the continous media piling-on that followed, that took a shoe-in presidential candidate out of serious contention...rendered every serious comment he made subject to ridicule...and gave us a president who, well, words fail me at this point.  One could spend hours talking about the long-range damage this president has done to our country.  And when Gore leaves politics and tackles a genuinely altruistic objective...the hecklers stalk him with more of their inane “humor.”
Gore is boring, no doubt about it.  I would give anything to have a serious-minded, boring president who actually did his job for the American people (all of us!).

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By Mace Price, May 27, 2006 at 12:14 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Al Gore is not a Scientist. He’s not even a pseudo-Scientist. He’s a Politician...and not a very good one at that. The Republicans are probably praying right now The Democrats’ll run him again in ‘08. But I think their too smart. Meanwhile don’t hold your breath for Keven Costner to come paddling up to your front door in an outrigger canoe. But if ya still can’t relax?--Watch an Al Gore speech.

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By ed minor, May 27, 2006 at 10:41 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

It is a sad commentary that ideas are considered boring and that any consideration of the future effects of our present actions are considered boring.  Apparantly it is bette to rush into a war then think about what might happen afterward, then to question how our actions can lead to unexpected consequences.

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By anonymous, May 27, 2006 at 8:14 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I guess Gore should dumb down his speeches and reduce them to 30 second videos so dullards like Boringowitz can stay awake. 

I get bored when I can’t understand what’s being said, too.

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By Carole, May 27, 2006 at 6:39 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Mr. Borowitz gives us another mindless, cheap-shot.

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By Pragmatique, May 27, 2006 at 6:07 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

It’s apparent that to the American electorate anything beyond sound-bites and slogans is boring. Isn’t that why we have Bush as our leader?

The really bad news about global warming is that the only living creatures likely to survive in the long run are cockroaches. Hence, it’ll be business as usual forever in our nation’s capital.

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By Hostile Elder, May 27, 2006 at 2:59 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

I fell asleep reading this article.

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By Ray Smith, May 26, 2006 at 8:57 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

God, how I would love to be bored with a Gore presidency right now.

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By Mace Price, May 26, 2006 at 8:34 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

I’ve thought more than once about recording Al Gore speeches and marketing them as a non-drug alternative to Valium for anxiety. He’d put a hysteric to sleep.

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By Dave, May 26, 2006 at 5:39 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Bush thinks science is boring too, and newspapers, and advisors, and meetings, and laws, and “govrmints”.

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