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Reports

Halliburton Wins Contract to Reconstruct Cheney’s Reputation

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Posted on Feb 17, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

The Halliburton Co. announced today that it had won a $42-billion no-bid contract from the U.S. government to reconstruct the reputation of Vice President Dick Cheney.

While Halliburton has been known for massive reconstruction projects in such war-torn nations as Iraq, the $42-billion contract represents the first time that the company has been employed to put its reconstruction expertise to work on one embattled human being.

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan defended the $42-billion price tag for the reconstruction effort, telling reporters, “Given how much work Dick Cheney’s reputation is going to take to rebuild, at the end of the day that $42-billion contract is going to look like a bargain.”

Mr. McClellan likened the state of Mr. Cheney’s reputation to conditions on the ground in Iraq, “only worse.”

But even as Halliburton began gearing up for the daunting task of reconstructing the vice president’s reputation, an unlikely critic of the plan, Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.) questioned the wisdom of even attempting to rebuild Dick Cheney.

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Rep. Hastert said that based on what he had seen of Mr. Cheney’s reputation in recent days, it reminded him of the city of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina, making him wonder whether the vice president could be rebuilt at all.

“It looks like a lot of Dick Cheney could be bulldozed,” Rep. Hastert said.

Elsewhere, breaking with a longstanding tradition set by his predecessor, Alan Greenspan, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke delivered his first economic report to Congress in English.

Creators Syndicate


Elsewhere: .

Comments

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By marwood bruns, March 6, 2006 at 12:01 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

IMPEACH THE SON OF A BITCH

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By walt, February 25, 2006 at 4:05 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Gee Ed?

Do me a big favor? Lighten up.

What the hell does all that ranting have to do with the point I was making?

Read what I wrote.

I was addressing a couple of guys named Fadel and Sadem, who felt 9/11 was rigged by the FBI or the CIA. I travel in other parts of the world and the further I get from this continent and this Western culture the more people - smart people - have these flakey conspiracy theories about it being the work of Bush or the CIA or Israel and that it was all staged (like the Moon Walk). I’ve heard some even dispute 9/11 ever happened.

I was theorizing that people who are in denial about the reality of this event, just like people who are in denial about the Holocaust, aren’t necessarily evil or stupid. If you’d met some of them you’d see my point. (Uh you might notice I’m giving people the benefit of the doubt here, not being bitchy, sarcastic and rancorous.)

I was offering the opinion that I think it’s more that the acts themselves are so horrific - so beyond what they consider humans capable of - that their brains kind of “short out” and they can’t “imagine” these acts being what they really are. Very real. And the further away they are from it, the more likely they live in a part of the world where it was just a fuzzy image on a small TV (again like the Moon walk) the easier it is for them to put it into some box that enables them to handle it. Make up a demon that did it for instance. I think some of that even goes on here.

Lots of Middle Eastern people believe that Bush was behind 9/11. I’m saying a lot of them can’t get their heads around the idea of fellow Middle Easterners doing anything this horrid. So they say 9/11 didn’t happen or they make up conspiracy theories.

Is that too conceptual for you? Too sympathetic?
And before you go all Anne Coulter on me and accuse me of being naïve and sympathetic to terrorists, you should also notice I didn’t say I found 9/11 unimaginable.  I am far from being in denial about it myself.  You see I work in Manhattan. I live 30 minutes away. I saw smoke from my corner for days. I was in the City that very awful day. In fact, I was on my way to a 9:00 am meeting at Vesey Street on the first floor of one of the Towers. By 9:00 it was under a cloud of smoke. By noon ... it was gone. And can I tell you something. I was standing there with thousands of others and we were in shock. It was truly unimaginable that anything like this could happen to innocent CIVILIANS at a time while we didn’t know we were at war. That’s what I meant by it. That’s what you cannot seem to grasp.

And puh-leeze spare me the history lessons about WW II. They WERE at war and we’d learned to expect quite a lot about the Japanese Army by then that was well outside our definition of civilization. Besides it’s irrelevant to the point. (Tom Clancy? What the heck are you talking about? That a writer can imagine an atrocity?) 

You know I am just trying to engage in some rational dialogue here. Offer an idea. Not attack Fadel and Sadem but communicate.

You don’t have to go all bat shit in six directions especially when it’s clear you didn’t grasp my point at all.

EVERYONE: Is there one of these sites where people can try to engage in serious constructive dialogues about these very important issues without a lot of hair-trigger hysterical cranks droning on endlessly about what pisses them off? What is this, therapy?

Can they all please get over themselves?

Please?

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By A, February 25, 2006 at 1:11 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

How many ports does one have to sell to pay for this
addition to the deficit?

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By ir8mofo, February 24, 2006 at 9:14 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

RE “This November the Americans will have an opportunity to elect a Congress that will impeach this son of a bitch! “

Dream on! Elections of this sort will NOT take place in The Former USA this November… The voting machinery has been infiltrated with software that is hackable by (Republican or NSA) operatives who have hacked recent elections to put their lackeys in office.

Free Elections and Human RIghts are HISTORY in the Former USA.

‘Capitalism Murdered Democracy’

When Ballots don’t work… Time to buy Bullets.

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By Rick Landry, February 24, 2006 at 12:56 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Is this piece satirical, a parody, or heaven forbid, is this article for ‘real’? 

I simply cannot believe this, or accept it prima facia.  Can someone please tell me if this really is happening, or is this intended to be a joke?

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By bill, February 23, 2006 at 2:31 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Not sure I believe 9/11 was a conspiracy, if only because a conspiracy of that magnitude is a bit hard to maintain, especially when theoretically driven by so-called “Merchants of Death”.  The standard evidence presented in the media seems to be sufficient to explain the hows and whys of 9/11, in my opinion. 

This isn’t to say that a lot of people weren’t weeping crocodile tears over the destruction and ensuing mayhem.  We all know that Halliburton has ridden this tragedy all the way to the bank.

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By Yonk, February 22, 2006 at 11:47 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

When is someone going to connect the dots. Cheney when Sec. of Def rewrote rules to allow others to bid on contracts previously reserved for Army Corps of Engineers. KBR gets a lot of these contracts. Cheney with NO experience in either the oil services business or running a large public corpotaion gets to be head of Halliburton which then buys KBR. Like everything else Cheney gets into, unknowingly KBR had abestoes problem which caused deficits in earnings. The patriotic draft dodger when at Halliburton, through a foreign (HaHa) subsidiary does business with the enemy Iran.
Halliburton (KBR gets Iraq contracts. When is someone going to check to see if Iraq contract given before 9/11.

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By Jonathan Coron, February 22, 2006 at 5:45 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

If it takes all of the 42 billion to improve on Cheney, imagine the price tag it will be to improve on King George’s reputation on an international scale.

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By Ed, February 22, 2006 at 4:10 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

WALT commented, about the WTC incident that “it was … simply unimaginable.”

WRONG!!!!!

The Japanese (remember them?) imagined it during WWII (remember that little incident?): they crashed (or tried to crash) fighter planes loaded with bombs (un-dropped) onto the decks of our ships. Made a few hits, too, as I recall.

Then Tom Clancey envisioned a Japanese pilot (yes, them again…) crashing a 747 into the Capitol building during a joint session of Congress which was being addressed by the President.

I don’t think it was unimaginable at all - quite the contrary - it was all too imaginable.  The only problem we have is that the current (mis-) administration just doesn’t have any imagination at all: dead wood (or something denser, like depleted uranium) from the shoulders up: Condi, Dick, George, Donald, all of them.  But I suppose that is only to be expected: the American electorate also demonstrated a total lack of imagination - twice: in 2000 and then again in 2004.  Will we never learn?

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By Frances Greenfield, February 22, 2006 at 1:06 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Haliburton Wins Contract to Reconstruct Cheney’s Reputation

I appreciate the humour….but wouldn’t be at all surprised that there just might be a few grains of truth embedded in the article.

They are a pretty slippery bunch to say the least.

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By Tom Davis, February 21, 2006 at 7:57 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Rick (4030):

I’m familiar with Kevin Phillips thesis on the Bush family, and it IS convincing - and disturbing. Unfortunately, the subtitle of his article (“Four generations have created an unsavory web of links that could prove an election-year Achilles’ heel for the president”)
didn’t prove very prescient.

He may have the House of Bush down pat, but he “misoverestimated” the wisdom of the American electorate.

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By walt, February 21, 2006 at 7:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Well first of all Sadem, Eisenhower warned us about 3 – Military-Industrial-Congressional Complex, but I digress.

They just imprisoned a guy in Austria who claimed the Holocaust didn’t happen and we wonder how someone could even believe something like that.

Now I see two of you who believe that 9/11 was staged.

OK let’s look at it this way:

1) It really takes a lot of coordination, cunning and intelligence to pull off a conspiracy like that. There’s so much that has to go right to convince the entire world that this was done by Al Queda and not by CIA operatives. It takes the full cooperation of the government, the Administration and no leaks!

2) Does anything you have seen from the US Intelligence agencies since 9/11 or from the Administration for that matter (take a “little thing” like Katrina) convince you that they have the ability to pull this off?

My theory is that people like you who believe this didn’t happen, or that it was staged, find it too unimaginable to understand it any other way.

Join the rest of us. It did happen. It was done by terrorists from Saudi Arabia. And it was … simply unimaginable.

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By Rick, February 20, 2006 at 3:22 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

Military—> Industrial—> Intelligence complex.
You can trace the emergence and full bloom of the economic train wreck we are having to reckon with today back to the early 20th century and the days of Prescott Bush and the Walker family. Read it and weep.

http://www.commondreams.org/views04/0208-05.htm

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By Ricardo Palacio, February 19, 2006 at 10:49 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

At this point in history this is very likely.  What is going to be done with G. W.? Recently I heard a comedian say that George Bush would drown in a shallow think tank!

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By Sedman, February 19, 2006 at 5:30 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Fadel Abdallah should have gone further.  The entire American military-industrial-contractor complex (Eisenhower only warned of the first two; the latter was too touchy a subject no doubt) had economic reasons to start another war, as did the oil companies who were being shut out of Iraq by the French and Russian post-embargo contracts.  The neo-con Republicans needed a cause de guerre to achieve their goals.  The religious right needed further Mid-east instability to keep their beloved Armegeddon on track.  And Dick Cheney and Co. represent them all.

9/11 had many unanswered questions.  Reasonable people may indeed wonder if there were demolition charges planted to ensure total destruction of the towers.  It is inconceivable that they should have gone straight down (instead of the higher floors slumping to the impact side of the building and falling partially outside the building footprint. 

Moreover, is it not odd that most of the 9/11 “terrorists” were Saudis?  And that FBI investigations into those of the “terrorists” that earlier had come to their attention were internally sabatoged?  And that the only foreign ambassador to have 24/7 entree to the Bush White House was Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia?  And that the Saudi intelligence chief was promoted one week after 9/11?  That the “terrorist” pilot of the jet to hit the Pentagon managed to do relatively little damage when his colleagues managed to hit much smaller targets dead on?

Given the continual lying by the White House (finally being seen for what it is), why shouldn’t we wonder?

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By Alec, February 19, 2006 at 3:00 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Uhhh…I’m gonna guess that Scott voted for Bush…didn’t he.

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By Fadel Abdallah, February 18, 2006 at 10:34 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Since truthdig is in a mode for light humor this weekend, let me consider a piece of more serious concern. Since Halliburton is in the business of making big easy money by reconstructing places that wars destruct, doesn’t then stand to reason to think that Halliburton stood to benefit more from the war on Iraq than anyone else? Since the 9/11 tragic event was necessary to create the conditions for war destruction, so the construction can start, is’nt it possible at all to think that Halliberton had something to do with staging the 9/11. I am actually convinced that the 9/11 was staged. However, I’ve been at loss whether it was a CIA operation, a Mossad operation, or a Pentagon operation! Your piece has given me a new dimension about the merchants of death who stand to benefit most from wasted lives!

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By Stephen, February 18, 2006 at 7:42 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

How much $ will be used for target practice?

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By Scott, February 18, 2006 at 5:59 pm #
(Unregistered commenter)

Is this for real?  42 billion on a dick?  It couldn’t possibly be speant better in New Orleans?

WTF is wrong with this government.

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By J.W. Miller, February 18, 2006 at 11:29 am #
(Unregistered commenter)

This November the American People will have an opportunity to elect a Congress that will impeach this son of a bitch!

Rock On!!

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