Groundhog Day at the White House

Posted on Feb 4, 2006

By Andy Borowitz

Vice President Dick Cheney emerged from his secure, undisclosed location to make television appearances following the president’s State of the Union address, but then immediately returned to his hiding place—indicating that America may be in for six more weeks of winter, according to experts.

While appearing with NBC’s Tim Russert, observers say, the vice president seemed distracted, looking over his shoulder repeatedly as if trying to see his own shadow.

A review of the broadcast indicates that Vice President Cheney, in fact, appeared to locate his shadow toward the end of his appearance.

He then abruptly concluded the interview, canceled an appearance with CNN’s Wolf Blitzer and returned to his secure, undisclosed location, which is believed to be underground.

Experts were divided as to the impact of Mr. Cheney’s brief appearance and sudden disappearance upon the duration of the current winter season.

“You can read anything you want into Cheney seeing his own shadow and going back underground,” said Dr. Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota. “Yes, it may mean six more weeks of winter, but it may just mean that he’s trying to stay as far away from this Abramoff mess as possible.”

At the White House, spokesman Scott McClellan attempted to downplay the increasingly widespread impression that Vice President Cheney can influence the seasons.

“Vice President Cheney is a respected voice within this administration, but he does not make the climate warmer,” Mr. McClellan told reporters. “Only President Bush can do that.”

Elsewhere, in order to increase revenue for “Brokeback Mountain,” the producers announced that they would release a special heterosexual version on DVD.

Award-winning humorist, television personality and film actor Andy Borowitz is author of the new book “The Borowitz Report: The Big Book of Shockers.” To find out more about Andy Borowitz and read his past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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