The Lighter Side of Torture

While we wait for the Supreme Court to invalidate Bush’s torture law, we offer up a little satire on the issue. In this piece, a Nation writer re-imagines our new Military Commissions Act.

On the outsourcing of torture:

“No prisoner shall be transferred into the custody of a foreign government unless a determination has been made, by the relevant agency, that such prisoner cannot be tortured perfectly well by an American.”

The Nation:

ACTIONS WHICH MAY OR MAY NOT CONSTITUTE VIOLATIONS OF THE GENEVA CONVENTIONS EVEN BY AMERICAN STANDARDS.

(A) INDUCED HYPOTHERMIA—No prisoner shall be kept for a period exceeding forty-eight (48) hours at a temperature below that of the meat locker of a Safeway, Stop & Shop, or other major supermarket chain, and doused with cold water at a frequency greater than twice per hour, unless permitted to wear appropriate clothing.
(i) For the purposes of paragraph (A), “appropriate clothing” shall be defined as follows: (a) For male prisoners, thong panties and strapless brassieres, or, in the case of low-value suspects, teddies; (b) for female prisoners, cowboy boots.

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