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Your Consumer Guide to the Apocalypse

Posted on May 20, 2011
Wikimedia Commons

This pleasant scene, painted by 16th century German painter Matthias Gerung, shows one version of what Saturday might be like.

If you believe that Saturday will be the Judgment Day prophesied in the Bible—a conclusion being trumpeted by Family Radio of Oakland, Calif.—you may not have considered the loose ends involved. Here’s one: Who’ll take care of your non-Raptured pets? Luckily, some enterprising types are dealing with things of this sort. For the rest of us, there’ll be specials at bars around the country!  —KA

ABC News:

2. Post-Rapture Post

Post-Rapture Post is a message delivery service to those left behind after the apocalypse. Joshua Witter started the website in 2004 after a casual conversation with his friends about what believers might want after they leave their non-believing loved ones behind.

Witter, an atheist, charges $4.99 to $799.99 to deliver a pre-written letter to those loved ones. Ritter said he suspects the postal service and email services will not be available.

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By purplewolf, May 22, 2011 at 9:53 am Link to this comment

I am certainly lucky to have been able to find a caterer just before the end-of-days for my survivor of the apocalypse party planned for today. I even got a last minute booking discount by hiring them Friday afternoon just as they were handing out their employee pink slips for Monday as they were all certain Monday would not happen ever again.

And God said,“Hah!”

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By MarthaA, May 22, 2011 at 8:20 am Link to this comment

It’s amazing how gullible people can be.  These gullibles do not get
  their bunk from either the Old or New Testament, but they follow
they know not what, and it is the same with all these Right-Wing
Corporate Welfare and War Christians.

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By PatrickHenry, May 22, 2011 at 7:30 am Link to this comment

Shit, now I will have to pay my mortgage.

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By TDoff, May 22, 2011 at 7:00 am Link to this comment

Well, looks like Ol’ Harold was right. All those godly folks living in the Grimsvotn crater got their a**es raptured right up to heaven late Saturday, fight on schedule. I guess that’ll teach us scoffers…

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By Inherit The Wind, May 22, 2011 at 5:42 am Link to this comment

I can hear the sounds of the world ending!

No, wait, that’s a bird chirping…I must have missed it.

Is there really a restaurant here at the end of the universe, or did Doug Adams lie??????

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By christian96, May 21, 2011 at 11:22 pm Link to this comment

Well, it’s nearly 3 a.m., EDT, May 22, 2011 and I’m
still sitting at this computer.  I guess I missed
the rapture.  I’ll turn the TV on CNN in the morning
and see if “The Great Tribulation” has started around
the world.  If so, expect global earthquakes, famine,
pestilence, erratic weather patterns, lying deceptive
preachers on TV and politicans.  Come to think about
it.  We have all those things now.  Maybe, we are
already in the great tribulation.  If so,things are suppose to get much worse over the next few years.
In fact, according to the Bible things will get so
bad around the planet that humans will almost rid
the earth of one another but Jesus arrives just in
time to put a stop to all the insanity.  Wipe one
another off the planet?  Well, looks like our future
fireworks will be nuclear.  I think it’s time for me
to head for the hills of West Virginia, find an old
abandoned coal mine, stock it with supplies, have
dish install a satellite(can’t miss “The Price Is
Right”) and watch all the destruction on CNN.  I
wonder what will be the 1st place hit?  Could be an
asteroid on Capitol Hill, but on the other hand it
might be a megaquake along the San Andreas fault.
Maybe CNN will run a survey to decide the most wicked
place on earth.  Love to see the results of that
study.  The Bible tells us that things are going to
get so bad that people will cast their silver and
gold into the streets.  I’ll be watching from my
secret coal mine in West Virginia.  Who’s the guy
that owns FOX news?  Murdock!  Can’t wait to see him
tossing that silver and gold into the streets.  I
don’t think he’ll do it.  Probably hire someone to
do the casting for him.  Wonder who he’ll hire?  Probably more than one person.  All wearing Murdock
t-shirts.  I’ll be eating a peanut butter sandwich
and laughing at the circus.  No wonder John Denver
wrote that song about West Virginia.  “Almost Heaven.”  I’ll have plenty of peanut butter if any
of you folks want to join me.  What a party right there in the hills of West Virginia.

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By Virginia777, May 21, 2011 at 10:24 pm Link to this comment

Its the end of the world as we know it. A fresh start is always welcome, a brand new day.

man, do we need that.

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By Virginia777, May 21, 2011 at 10:21 pm Link to this comment


“Saturday Night Dead!”

so funny. Great comment gerard.

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By rend it, May 21, 2011 at 5:05 pm Link to this comment

reading this post and these dogs just down the street have started howling in a very
extreme manner. perhaps it is upon me.

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By TDoff, May 21, 2011 at 2:33 pm Link to this comment

The radio station of H. Camping, the rabid rapture predictor, has gone quiet, except for recordings. Contacted by phone, an excited follower of Harold announced, ‘So far, Harold is the only one The Good Lord found worthy of rapture, and he was taken from us at 12:01AM this morning. At noon, Harold called us from the Promised Land, told us The Good Lord was giving him some new instructions, and Harold expected to be back among us mere mortals before next Sunday, with all new instructions straight from The Good Lord, hisownself. Seems Harold made a teeny-weeny error in his calendar calculations, and assures us all that we’ll have plenty of time to tithe to The Good Lord before the new, actual, Rapture occurs. And Harold hinted that he may bring back some special, autographed, images of The Good Lord that will be available to a few exceptional tithers and followers of the Rapture. Isn’t this all exciting?’, she asked me as she concluded her report.

Fortunately, I was speechless, or I’d have sinned.

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By gerard, May 21, 2011 at 1:41 pm Link to this comment

Are they on daylight saving?

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By purplewolf, May 21, 2011 at 10:57 am Link to this comment

Rae,loved your comments. This crackpot also said this was going to happen in 1994. It didn’t.If it happens I just wasted $400 on doggie dental surgery on Friday for one of the rescue animals I have. 7/8 are rescue.

I guess it is left to heathens like myself to take in the animals from these religious zealots when the Rapture sucks them up. At least the animals will not have to listen to all the religious b.s from the Christians that it is okay to hate animals since God didn’t give animals souls.BTW humans are animals, but the religious ones refuse to acknowledge the truth. And I know more animals with souls than humans.

I just wish they would all be gone by midnight and leave the rest of us non-believers or people with different religious beliefs alone. They will not be missed and be sure to take your right winger political idiots with you.

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By TDoff, May 21, 2011 at 10:31 am Link to this comment

By midnight we should know whether there are ‘Net connections along the river Styx. If we start getting a lot of spam from idiots whose a**es are on fire, we’ll know the ‘Rapture’ was just another temptation/scam of the Devil.

‘He’ do do ‘his’ work in mysterious ways.

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By gerard, May 21, 2011 at 9:07 am Link to this comment

“The worst is yet to come.”
        —Unfaithfully yours, Doomsbury

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By John Rachel, May 21, 2011 at 6:25 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This article is very funny. My new novel 11-11-11 is a satire about the Apocalypse which is supposed to occur November 11th of this year.  I even have a sub-chapter describing what you can buy at an “End-of-the-World Sale!” at Walmart, “your one-stop place to shop for the Apocalypse”. The book is set in Bible-belt territory, a fictional hopelessly hayseed town in Missouri where already confused citizens are even more disoriented by rumors of the arrival of end times.  When I wrote this book, little did I know that the world was going to end today or I wouldn’t have bothered. Anyway, if you like this sort of nonsense…

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By RAE, May 21, 2011 at 5:39 am Link to this comment

This “sky is falling” nonsense is sprinkled in fairy tales throughout recorded history:

“A very early example containing the basic motif and many of the elements of the tale is some 25 centuries old and appears in the Buddhist scriptures as the Daddabha Jataka (J 322).[19] In it, the Buddha, on hearing about some particular religious practices, comments that there is no special merit in them, but rather that they are “like the noise the hare heard.” He then tells the story of a hare disturbed by a falling fruit who believes that the earth is coming to an end. The hare starts a stampede among the other animals until a lion halts them, investigates the cause of the panic and restores calm.” (Wikipedia)

What scares the hell out of me are the numbers… MILLIONS of my fellow citizens, educated or not, seem even more susceptible to the “fable virus” than the flu!

I find tremendous irony in the fact that while legions of armed forces personnel are scouring the earth to find and save us from terrorists, the biggest threat BY FAR to a sane existence can be found in virtually every church pew in the country. Every Sunday, the Chicken Littles get dressed in their finest, and parade, zombie style, to their chosen religious crack houses to be served up their weekly injection of fables from even more mentally damaged drug pushers.

Unbelievable!!!! Those who believe these “Chicken Little” charlatans are in serious need of cult-busting psychiatric care, to say nothing about a few good sessions on deductive thinking and critical analysis.

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By THX 1133 is not in the movie..., May 21, 2011 at 3:13 am Link to this comment

Nuts; I’m still here. Maybe I should have been a

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By Paul, May 20, 2011 at 7:15 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Harold Camping is an annihilationist meaning that he doesn’t believe in the
traditional interpretation of hell as eternal fiery torment. He believes that the souls
of unbelievers will be completely destroyed and wiped from all memory including
God’s. Since his is the case, I’m not too concerned. I’d rather be annhiliated than
spend any time with the nasty, vicious, violent “god” Camping worships!

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By gerard, May 20, 2011 at 7:06 pm Link to this comment

Saturday Night Dead!

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By Bat Guano, May 20, 2011 at 6:09 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

There must be some great sales happening on Friday.

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By Jimnp72, May 20, 2011 at 5:50 pm Link to this comment

So God is going to destroy his creation with fire. Sounds like a hissy fit on grand scale.
I wish he would take the repugs and leave the rest of us alone, they deserve the rapture
see you all on the other side!

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