If you’re a Republican and you’re reading this, you might want to sit down for this news. The hologram version of Ronald Reagan is set to debut soon. Yes, the wait is almost over! President Reagan in an, errr, reanimated state will soon be a thing!
In fact, hologram Reagan was initially scheduled to debut Thursday night outside the Republican National Convention (you can read about the rumors here). However, the hologram’s appearance was canceled, ostensibly because Republicans would probably be talking about hologram Reagan instead of Mitt Romney, and isn’t the whole point of a convention to give the party’s presidential nominee more media attention than he’s already getting?
Yahoo reports the hologram presence was originally planned for this week’s Republican National Convention, but because it would cause the entire party to literally break down screaming and clawing at their genitals, it was scrapped—the attention is supposed to be on Romney, not a hologram. The Holo-Prez, which was going to deliver a speech on small business ownership, was created by the same firm that made the not-really-a-hologram-to-be-completely-accurate hologram Tupac, which was worried about its creation being used for political purposes: Yahoo says they didn’t want the doomsday hologram “to be used for partisan purposes,” which is the only possible use for a hologram version of Ronald Reagan. Now you’ll have to wait until “later this year or early 2013.” Fingers crossed for Coachella?
But let’s suspend reality for a moment and say hologram Reagan actually were to attend the last night of the Republican National Convention. And let’s say this whole thing was still under wraps, and that the hologram were to take the stage by storm. Here’s a hypothetical scenario of how the event could have possibly gone down, courtesy of Gawker:
Imagine, if you will, the following scene tonight, during Mitt Romney’s address to the Republican National Convention: the lights go out. The ominous sound of bells rings through the convention center. A spotlight appears in the center of the stage, where a puff of smoke barely conceals the sudden appearance of a single, silhouetted figure. On the floor, convention goers strain their necks, stand up, shading their eyes — is it? — can it be? Onstage, Romney is nodding his head to a barely perceptible drumbeat.
Hologram Ronald Reagan steps from the smoke and raises his arms — not in supplication, but in triumph. He unleashes a yell: “YEAHHHHH.” The crowd is sobbing, ecstatic, screaming. “YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS IS.”
Democrats definitely have some catching up to do in the hologram department. Perhaps a hologram John F. Kennedy is in the works? Or anyone up for the ultimate New Dealer, hologram Franklin Delano Roosevelt?
—Posted by Tracy Bloom. (Hat tip to former Truthdig intern extraordinaire Christian Neumeister.)