Colbert Sits In for Dowd

Posted on Oct 15, 2007

nndb.com

In his NYT essay, Colbert declared both Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani to be “legitimately scary.”

For those who missed Stephen Colbert’s first foray into Op-Ed writing for The New York Times, here’s his valiant attempt on Sunday to handicap the lineup of ‘08 presidential hopefuls, including this gem about actor-lawyer-candidate Fred Thompson:  ” ‘Law & Order’ never sufficiently explained why the Manhattan D.A. had an accent like an Appalachian catfish wrestler.”  True enough.

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The New York Times:

Look at the moral guidance I offer. On faith: “After Jesus was born, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word count up.” On gender: “The sooner we accept the basic differences between men and women, the sooner we can stop arguing about it and start having sex.” On race: “While skin and race are often synonymous, skin cleansing is good, race cleansing is bad.” On the elderly: “They look like lizards.”

Our nation is at a Fork in the Road. Some say we should go Left; some say go Right. I say, “Doesn’t this thing have a reverse gear?” Let’s back this country up to a time before there were forks in the road—or even roads. Or forks, for that matter. I want to return to a simpler America where we ate our meat off the end of a sharpened stick.

Let me regurgitate: I know why you want me to run, and I hear your clamor. I share Americans’ nostalgia for an era when you not only could tell a man by the cut of his jib, but the jib industry hadn’t yet fled to Guangdong. And I don’t intend to tease you for weeks the way Newt Gingrich did, saying that if his supporters raised $30 million, he would run for president. I would run for 15 million. Cash.

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