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O Lord, Send Me Guidance on This Dildo…Posted on Aug 18, 2006
In what appears to be a first, an Oregon couple has set up a Christian-themed sex toy website for married pairs only. The “about” page is unintentionally hilarious. It reads in part:
What’s that you say, O’ Lord? The grape-flavored anal lube? Or the edible crotchless panties?
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By dildos, June 9, 2008 at 2:42 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
I absolutely agree. Today only in a few online sex shops you could purchase a toy comfortably. I wish in webspace would appear more customer-friendly sites.
Report thisBy Gazzer, August 25, 2006 at 8:10 am Link to this comment
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WWJD?
Who Would Jesus Dildo?
I wonder if they’re affiliated with http://www.divine-interventions.com
Report thisBy Bukko in Australia, August 21, 2006 at 9:35 am Link to this comment
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Yes Collin, it’s hateful to disparage oppressed minority groups. But when it disparages hypocritical, hornier-than-thou Christofascists, it’s HILARIOUS!
Report thisBy mondo, August 20, 2006 at 5:55 pm Link to this comment
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God bless you Kevin and Joy!
We are a married gay couple in a) Massachusetts b) Spain c)Canada. We are looking for hot sex toys to rock our queer and legal marriage covenant. What do you suggest?
Report thisBy Rimaroka, August 19, 2006 at 9:11 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Did you go ahead with the order? Perhaps give us a personal review of the products. Heh.
Report thisBy Broiler, August 19, 2006 at 12:20 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
“Oh honey! That John the Baptist, ribbed, remote
controlled, vibrating, self lubing anal probe
you ordered is here!”
What more can I say?
Well, lots. A whole lot. I just don’t have
enough time in my life to do this one justice.
I’m going to the site right now.
Maybe they carry “blessed ben wa balls”!
How about an inflatable Virgin Mary?
It all makes sense. This is why people
Report thissay “oh, God, oh, God!” during sex.
This is an epiphany!
By C Quil, August 19, 2006 at 7:30 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
Good name - Joy Wilson. Is that a new name she gave herself after discovering “marital aids”?
The coming of age of christoporn. Mind you, they wouldn’t be the first to be shafted by religion.
Report thisBy Collin, August 18, 2006 at 6:07 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
And if it was to disparage
Jews
Black
Homosexuals
it would be a hate crime. No?
Collin
http://www.evangelicalperspective.blogspot.com
Report thisBy Atheista, August 18, 2006 at 4:49 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
I hope this site is frequented by many christians and that other christians develop similar websites for sex toys and pornography so that they can all wallow publicly in their hypocrisy. The more these things become common-place among christians, the less they will harass the rest of us about it.
Report thisBy Linda Tomassi, August 18, 2006 at 4:39 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
What would Jesus order?
Report thisBy R. A. Earl, August 18, 2006 at 4:04 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
I’ll comment if & when I stop laughing so hard. This is absolutely hilarious!
Report thisBy lifewriter, August 18, 2006 at 3:18 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)
This website really proves a couple of very important points about the way Christians posit their beliefs, sugar coated with catch phrases like “praying on” this and that in order to make the right decision – oddly close to “preying on”, mind you – and the other more fiscally esoteric notion that only married couples might truly be able to enjoy a vibrating “2 Touch Bunny.”
Well, I had to go look around. They’ve got a fantastic assortment of “Edibles,” though nothing – absolutely NOTHING – about the body of Christ. One would think that being so close to His Holiness might afford at least some props tossed up to El Jesus… no such luck. Not even a mention about the likely bulbous manhood of Samson, or perhaps some odd account about what freak in bed he must have been to be so willing to “eat honey out of a lion carcass.”
So with Book22Â’s virtues in mind, I did a little shopping, and assembled a cart full of goodies, some of which included the aforementioned Bunny, an Elastomer Ring, and what trip to the Holy Den of Sin would be complete without a Turbo 8 Accelerator, something to read the Psalms by, right? Not mine, my friend, not mine.
Registered, gave away my personal info, and offered to pay by check. Now, here’s the important part, this is where you listen closely to the words that you’re sounding out right now: Nowhere within the entire purchasing process is a “Marital Status” widget that allows one to select from Married, Single, Divorced, etc. Nowhere in Book22’s Mission Statement do they state that they actually enforce the commandments put forth on that page. Apparently, some cock chugging homo’s money is just as good as Gladys’ when it comes time to buy butt plugs. And there’s the rub. All that banter, all the prying, and praying, and preying on all their friends and family, and at the end of the day, these muthafuckas don’t give a rat’s ass about who’s buying. But they will, if they deem it necessary, put a Jesus sticker over the lewd shot of Candy Assmunch accepting 3 devices simultaneously…apparently married or not, Christian or not, madame Candy is likely not having the kind of wholesome fun that you’re likely to want to see…I just wonder how many of those stickers actually stay on once the double-bagged poonanay penetrator’s been delivered.
Anybody for Badminton?
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