Q. What do real conservatives believe is the best way
  to extinguish a campfire?

A. Dump gasoline on it.

Q. What would a conservative in the USA say to Ayn Rand
  to make her believe that he is honest?

A. I lack cognitive functioning as I believe what you
  say is truth.

Q. What do real conservatives believe is the best way to
  decrease the USA deficit?

A. Give the tax revenue to other nations and give the
  remaining money to the Pentagon.

Q. What are USA conservatives the most fearful of?

A. That what does the most good for the most people.

Q. What are the 4 main goals of conservatives for the
  future of the USA?

A. 1) To bankrupt the USA.  2) To strongarm and extort, nay kill, those living in third world.  3) To protect the wealth of CEOs while ensuring that the majority of Americans go hungry and homeless over time.  4) To defend the already inept and failed status quo.

So Eric just wants to ask questions, huh?  You need to do more than ask questions!  Do research.  Find out for yourself the answers you seek rather than being arrogant paranoid and heartless - not to mention ignorant.  This goes for all the other American conservatives and tea party attendees who fail to make the connection between USA empire ambitions and the recession.  Again, I believe this is because conservatives just seem to intrinsically lack cognitive functioning.  After all, who really would want to defend something that is against their own personal interests unless he is not paying attention.  These are not ad hominem attacks toward conservatives, and neither were the aforementioned jokes.  I am simply backing up my assertions with empirical evidence.

Excellent satire on the typical USA conservative ideologue.