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Your Tax Dollars at Work: Abstinence Ads

Posted on Oct 8, 2007
girl on a dock

The Department of Health and Human Services’ latest abstinence ad commands the viewer to “tell your kids you want them to wait till they’re married to have sex.” That’s the Bush administration for you: Forget about the heaps of data that show a strategy doesn’t work and just keep throwing money at it.

Besides, is it even psychologically healthful to wait until marriage to have sex?  The ad might as well say, “Tell your children you want them to be that weird guy in the dorm who takes really long showers.”

Watch it (but try to ignore the siren song of children demanding sexual prohibition):


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By Karissa, October 26, 2011 at 12:38 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I don’t want to add to the anger going on in a lot of these comments, or the disrespect from people holding either opinion. I just want to mention that I work with clientele that are suffering in multiple ways from having sex outside a life-time committed relationship.

When you are trying to teach a pregnant 14-year old parenting skills, you realize how damaging sex can be in some situations. Not to mention all the moms who can’t afford diapers because their partner was not committed and didn’t stick around; yes, I talk to them on a regular basis. They are smart enough to know they shouldn’t marry a man who would treat them in this way, but they thought it would be fine to have sex. By the way, a lot of them say they use condoms, at least some of the time. And a lot were on birth control.

Saying that abstinence contributes to success is not unfounded. I didn’t have the time to find lots of studies to site, but stats show that single parenting is a strong contributing factor toward poverty., are just a couple places I found when I googled poverty and single parents.

Of course, studies can’t really tell us what’s going on inside peoples’ emotional and relational lives. But one-on-one conversations can reveal a world of hurt in the lives of people who have become sexually intimate in a relationship that then dissolved. Of course, marriage isn’t a fail-safe against this but having a commitment of that magnitude will at least help protect from the pain of a string of “amputated intimacies”.

Besides, if we are going to go with the argument that abstinence education doesn’t work, may I say that teaching safer sex doesn’t work either? Teens and young adults still don’t use birth control correctly or 100% of the time. Besides, we tell them not do use illegal drugs, don’t we? And don’t some still do that? Of course everyone still decides for themselves. But the hard fact is, abstinence until a life-time committed monogamous relationship is the healthiest choice. We need to arm youth with this fact and seek to empower them to make that choice.

Instead of arguing over whose ideology is correct, why don’t we work to create an environment where kids make healthy choices?

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By trade show displays on sale, June 26, 2011 at 8:09 am Link to this comment

I don’t think I would be so quick to judge as the author of this post. It requires a balanced approach. There is nothing wrong with teaching abstinence… plus.
It works for a lot of kids and families, and for the others we need to teach about being safe, and the consequences of one’s actions. In my humble opinion.

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By Trade Show Displays, December 29, 2010 at 3:57 am Link to this comment

Information and knowledge of cause and effect is really what is required. Abstinence will not and never has worked. Fear-based tactics does cause functionality damage and difficulties in trust. Oh, I cannot believe this is on our agenda for discussion.

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By Ga, October 13, 2007 at 9:41 pm Link to this comment

Thats TruthDig for you, pulling some bs stat out of the air and trying to pass it off as legit. Cite your source for this.

Gee, thanks for trying to protect us from the “Truth,” Rowman! Your request to prove a negative will work really well I am sure!

How about you start here at that “Liberal Media” outlet the Washington Times:

Which Truthdig reported recently, by the way.

Ah, but we should all just believe the headlines from “legit” news sources, right? No need to investigate for ourselves, right? Let us not search the Internet or the Library for further reading! Oh no!

I dont get it. Many of you dont support this but I recall many of you having voiced support for abortion.

You don’t get it because you and your kind are used to offering only twisted logic based upon pre-determined ideals. “We” like to do research and then draw conclusions form that research.

Many “don’t support this” because it is stupid to ONLY support abstinence. Most of “us” would support comprehensive sex education that would, by definition, include abstinence education. Comprehensive and Include, get it?

Oh yeah, most of “us” don’t actually “support” abortion (no one really does); “we” support the right of a woman to her privacy! That is what Roe v. Wade was all about, or did you not know? Thought not.

Anti-abortion laws, like abstinence only laws, DO NOT WORK as well as you think, as studies show! Here is one source for you:

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By Ga, October 13, 2007 at 8:43 pm Link to this comment

To the Abstinence does work. crowd:

For what?

What is abstinence, anyway?

Is this your idea of “Abstinence only sex education?”:

Teach: “Welcome to Sex Ed. The only safe sex, is no sex. Just stay virginal until you get married and you will be fine.”

Teen: “But what about…”

Teach: “Just say no.”

Teen: “And then there’s…”

Teach: “Just wait until you are married.”

Teen: “Yeah, but…”

Teach: “Just abstain! That is all you need to know!”

I don’t think that the abstinence only folks understand that they are causing more harm than good, as more and more data has shown that:

1) Abstinence only education does not work to prevent sex in teens anyway.

2) Not learning about sex means that teens make more mistakes than they would otherwise, e.g. thinking that felatio is “not sex” and therefore okay.

Teenagers need to know facts about sex and sexuality, for they will experiment, and they will learn “from their peers” by myths and rumors if not from school.

The “wait until marriage” mantra also will have young adults marrying just so that they can have sex, which can be a really poor reason to marry.

The abstinence only crowd also will say this:

“Abstinence is the only 100% effective way to avoid STIs.”

Which is disingenious and dangerous and false.

False because sex between healthy people will never spread anything!!! Get it? You get an infection only by sex with an infected person during an infectious phase of the disease! STIs are not caused by sex!

Dangerous because with that as the sole “education” a person gets regarding STIs, means that they will remain ignorant about how, when and if one is or can be infected (toilet seats anyone?).

Disingenuous because those who only chant “abstinence” are either ignorant themselves about sex, sexuality and health, or are deliberately advocating keeping children ignorant.

The only way to teach abstinence is through fear and ignorance: “Don’t have sex or you will go to hell!”

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By dp, October 13, 2007 at 9:09 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Like all the “wars” this country has instituted against behavior the christians view as “immoral”..the war on drugs, the war on terror, this is the latest…the war on sex.  With the exception of the terror issue, which is just a fear tactic to advance a real and unpopular war on actual people in a foreign country, these so-called wars are an attempt to legislate morals and show the tax payers that it is in their best interest by skewing the facts.  These ads are marketing the war on sex.  As a parent I wish the emphasis were on some danger more legitimate, like speeding in vehicles.  That kills more teens than std’s.  As with driving, the answer to high teen fatalies is not to take away the privilege of driving, but to educate as to the proper use of a vehicle, so should the answer to teen pregnancy and std’s seems to be to educate teens to protect themselves.  As a parent I would just have soon my teens didn’t take up the practice of driving, it was a stressful time of my life, but it’s unrealistic to expect that, just as it’s unrealistic to expect teens to avoid sex.

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By gejo, October 12, 2007 at 11:17 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Oh yeah, that’s the way to do it.

Why isn’t the left raising cane that the right used children to support their idea.

Better yet, we know as a society that this idea doesn’t work.
We should teach our children how to be safe.  That is more realistic.

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By Outraged, October 11, 2007 at 6:52 pm Link to this comment

Re:#106107 by Pavlov on 10/10

Seems to me you are a little more Pavlov’s dog, than Pavlov…....DING…Time to trash talk for the religious right.

Re: #106330 by rowman on 10/11

“Abstinence does work. Educating kids that they do not have to engage in intercourse is a good thing.”

What’s your point?  “Abstinence does work.”  for what?...not having sex,,,,DOH…c’mon isn’t that a no brainer.  NEWSFLASH: If someone is going to have sex, abstinence doesn’t work.

Then you said educating kids that they do not HAVE to have sex is a good thing.  NO ONE HAS TO HAVE SEX!  (except assaulted rape victims)  Where is your head at, wake up!

The ad stupidly endorses sex only AFTER MARRIAGE.  But that isn’t what most people really do, now is it?  It also implies that it’s the “right” thing to do?  Only religion teaches that, and if you want to teach your children that go ahead.  Just don’t be “shocked” to find out that that’s not what they’ve done.  Simply because YOU BOTH refuse to address reality, don’t expect everyone else to follow along using their tax dollars to support YOUR baseless religious ideologies.

No one is saying anyone HAS to have sex, including young people.  However, since the beginning of recorded time people have been having sex, married or NOT.  That is a FACT, deal with it.  As such, no amount of stupidity, arrogance, ideologies or goading by any religion or culture on earth has changed one aspect of what people REALLY do regarding sex when they decide to do it.

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By rowman, October 11, 2007 at 2:47 pm Link to this comment

“That’s the Bush administration for you: Forget about the heaps of data that show a strategy doesn’t work and just keep throwing money at it. ” ????????

Thats TruthDig for you, pulling some bs stat out of the air and trying to pass it off as legit. Cite your source for this.

Abstinence does work. Educating kids that they do not have to engage in intercourse is a good thing.

I dont get it. Many of you dont support this but I recall many of you having voiced support for abortion. Why not mitigate a devestating issue now?

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By Pavlov, October 11, 2007 at 1:18 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I don’t get what the deal is.  That ad wasn’t saying that sex was bad, it wasn’t trying to legislate morality, it was just presenting another view point.  Stephm2 mentioned that Abstinence was a good idea but that he/she didn’t think that it was practical.  Does that mean we should throw our hands up in the air?  I think we should raise the bar not lower it.  Sex isn’t bad, it’s good but it is meant to be practiced in the security of a committed relationship.

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By stephm2, October 10, 2007 at 4:48 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

of course abstinence is a good idea, everyone wants what is best for kids.  i just don’t think its practical.  i wonder how many of the righties were actually virgins when they married. don’t they remember how it was to be a teen. i guess my point is that teens have sex.  they always have isn’t it better to prepare for the inevitible than stick your head in the sand?

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By Pavlov, October 10, 2007 at 4:27 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Help we are being repressed!  Man we sure are a bunch of wimps.  Wah Wah, I want to have sex anytime anywhere I want to.  Nobody has the right to tell me that I can’t!  It is not my fault I can’t deal with my raging hormones.  Wahh wahh.  Dude, face reality, whether God said it or not it makes a lot of sense to abstain.

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By purplewolf, October 10, 2007 at 1:29 pm Link to this comment

If we lived in that perfect(sexless until married) world some people think is out there,one in which people have to be married before they have sex as required in the bible,but we don’t. It would make more sense then that people would have been created to only start puberty at the time they become married. That way there are no raging hormones to try to control, no giving into that urge to get it on, no unwanted pregnancies outside of marriage and everyone, unless raped prior to marriage would come to the wedding bed a virgin. Uninformed, uneducated, and in many cases extremely dissappointed when that moment finally arrives. And here is a terrible thought, what if after saving yourself until the wedding night you find out that your partner and you are totally uncompadable to each other, or your spouse is an abuser, pervert or worse. You don’t buy a house or car without checking it out or taking a test drive. Why should it be any different about sex when you, in some cases, promise to stay married forever, regardless the situation. Maybe if more people had intimate relations with their intended, problems might be detected before marriage and that’s a good thing.

My grandmother said in the 70’s that a lot of people are going to be extremely dissappointed once they are married as sex plays such a small part in the whole scheme of things that take place in married couples lives.

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By Dr Richard Blackmoor, October 10, 2007 at 11:51 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is as silly and ultimately ineffectual as all the anti-drug ads.
  Anyone who thinks sex is for married people can go ahead and follow this dogma but please don’t take cultural constructs as natural law.
  It is so sad that moralists have made Americans so afraid and ashamed of one of the best things in life, and it is the ONLY thing that nature wants you to do.
  Like anything else their are safety issues.

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By vajara, October 10, 2007 at 11:42 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

These religious zealots would try to make everyone afraid of sex for reasons that they believe sex is dirty and sinful. They only want to make babies and continue to make them fearful of God, Sex and Sin.

What they do not recognize is that our psyche will do just the opposite of what they wish for—Self-Denial produces Self-Indulgence. Almost every two year old and teenager is willing and eager to do the opposite of what adults, especially teachers and parents wish them to do. After all, who can trust adults when they won’t practice what they teach or preach. About one out of every two marriages end in separation, suffering or divorce. So, what’s so great about waiting till we get married before having sex—they don’t work out any better.

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By conservative, October 10, 2007 at 10:04 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

why is there so much careless people now? sex is meant for married people for a reason. then, what’s the point of marriage.. love? divorce?.. in this case, certainly not kids. maybe sex is now an issue for every 18 years old right, or even 13 (worst case). but even so, i someway still don’t support this ads. me as a kid, feel that this ad makes me more interested on it. yet, i will stay VIRGIN (i know what u think, virgins are losers who controls their genitals from pleasure), but i think my parents raised me up well to understand virginity are for until marriage BECAUSE
1. avoids unwanted pregnancies cause u don’t want to end up having some unwanted children and suddenly having to pay for another child
2. avoiding std
3. avoiding stress n problems for years to come. yeah maybe sex solves stress n problems for some, but if u think about it… figure it out.
4. avoiding that uncomfortable feeling when married n having ur wife knows ur not virgin though many of u may not care..
5. avoiding a civilization where 30 years old are grandma’s and grandpas..

ok, i’ll stop bitchin for now.. what i write may be true though some may disagree, hey it’s a free country. just don’t teach ur kids to have sex before marriage.

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By Mudwollow, October 10, 2007 at 7:36 am Link to this comment

Your tax dollars at work homogenizing church and state. Jerry Falwell would be proud. These ads would have more impact if we burned a few of these promiscuous youngsters at the stake now and then to send a message.

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By Dr. Knowitall, PhD, PhD, October 10, 2007 at 7:27 am Link to this comment

If supporters of this hairbrain idea could clear their minds of crap put into it by their church, they’d see it for what it is.  Wouldn’t it be more socially productive to wage an ad campaign to rid people of their narrow-mindedness drilled into them by their church? I’d gladly pay for that.  I promise, I’ll not weigh in on this post again.

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By Dr. Knowitall, PhD, PhD, October 10, 2007 at 5:16 am Link to this comment

This looks like a job for SEX OFF, applied directly to the genitals.

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By Rob, October 9, 2007 at 10:46 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

“Tell your children you want them to be that weird guy in the dorm who takes really long showers.”

Haha that was good

This ad is typical, asinine, and wrongheaded. Fostering christian “morals” on the rest of us. It’s frustrating, because I think their should be ads in regards to educating kids on healthy and safe sexual activity. Abstinence Only is a massive failure, but since the current administration won’t admit that the War on Drugs has been a failure for over 30 years now, don’t expect them to fess up to the misinformation of these ads.

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By Not Scandinavian (Or American), October 9, 2007 at 10:43 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Re: #105764 by samuel burke

“parents who would prefer their children to try to avoid getting sexually communicable diseases by infusing into them the abstinence idea.”

If you want your children to avoid catching sexually transmitted diseases then teach them to avoid sexually transmitted diseases, don’t teach them to avoid sex like the plague.
Kids will have sex. Always have, always will. If they haven’t been taught how to do it safely, then they will catch nasty stuff / fall pregnant. This is not a moral position, it is a demographical reality. You can ignore it and hope it will go away or you can look at the numbers and see what actually works.
Compare teen pregnancy rates and infection rates in Scandinavia and the States for instance. Then look at the sex education policies (or lack thereof) these countries have adopted.
In the end, no-one wants to stop you from passing your beliefs onto your own children, what people might have a problem with is when you present abstinence as a viable solution to sexual health problems when it is evidently the exact opposite.

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By Verla Mae, October 9, 2007 at 10:16 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

RE: #105611 by samuel burke on 10/08

“...    whats wrong with some kids wanting to stay virginal until they marry?”

Well, nothing, actually. God bless them, if they can. God keep them, if they can’t.

I just don’t want the state dictating that it’s a criminal thing to not be a virgin until marriage. Pretty soon, sex will be against the law in America, if this keeps up.

I personally can’t see why the Government is so concerned about my sex life. Couldn’t the millions spent on this stupid add campaign be better spent on SCHIPS? I’m willing to bet that there are more kids without access to a doctor than suburban teenaged hotties struggling with how to best handle their burdensome virginity.

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By nigeldh, October 9, 2007 at 8:38 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

They should have had the Bush twins and Brittany doing these ads. Do as a we say, not as we do. grin, duck, run

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By samuel burke, October 9, 2007 at 8:30 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

the point of the commercial is that there is another choice, if you want your son and daughter to have sex at an early age and with as many partners as possible then vote for a president who would support your views, but do not be so close minded that you can not allow for parents who would prefer their children to try to avoid getting sexually communicable diseases by infusing into them the abstinence idea.

some will remain abstinent till marriage, some will not.
some married folk cheat on their partners and some do not.
just because you do doesn mean everyone does.

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By L-K, October 9, 2007 at 7:38 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I initially saw it in Spanish. I immediately started cracking up, which quickly turned into a debate with my mother over the message of the commercial.

However, I still crack up every time the commercial comes on…and she just looks and stares at me.

I have a request: does anyone have a link to the Spanish version of this ad?


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By clove, October 9, 2007 at 7:32 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

What’s next? Testing girls for virginity? I don’t have any trouble with parents advocating abstinence in their own home. I don’t have any trouble with parents discussing sex with their own kids. I have a lot of trouble with spending federal tax money to push religious philosophy while at the same time underfunding children’s healthcare and public education. This is hypocrisy. Children armed with knowledge and respect for themselves, by and large, make good decisions.

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By tomack, October 9, 2007 at 6:42 am Link to this comment

Approximately how much is spent on abstinence ads? I can’t find that information. Any help would be apreciated.

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By mjslackshows, October 9, 2007 at 6:39 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

wow- that girl on the dock was hot….maybe she wants to do it….maybe she wants to do it with Samuel and his animals?

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By bachu, October 9, 2007 at 4:43 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Abstinence is never going to work in a thoroughly corrupt and immoral society. However, it is in the nature of things that such a society is condemned to be reminded of its immorality by any and all means despite their best efforts to ignore and forget it.

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By lodipete, October 9, 2007 at 4:02 am Link to this comment

“That’s the Bush administration for you: Forget about the heaps of data that show a strategy doesn’t work, just keep throwing money at it.

Throwing money at a problem? Hell, the New Jersey democrats have been doing that for 40 years as regards public education.

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By mark edward smith, October 9, 2007 at 3:01 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Well, we see very clearly what unatural abstinence has caused in the churches….

And the truth is as hard as history rewriters try to sweep it under the rug they can’t hide the fact that it goes back hundreds if not thousands of years.

The Catholic church still queitly pays millions to the families of abused children in a scandal of the grandest proportions, so vast it will no doubt never be completely revealed.

The disfunctional Evangelical Christian leaders and their organizations who project their ideals onto the public but behind the scenes are now generally everything they preach against, can’t deny it, its mainstream public news.

Some of our own governement officials being outed as the hypocrites they truely are has become the norm.

Abstinence is not the answer, abstinence only is what allows history to continue to repeat itself…continue to lie to the children, mislead the children, scare the children, punish the children, for everything thats wrong with the society “we adults” created - instead of honestly educating them.

Then use them, abuse them, for everything under the sun when we’re bored with our perfect married suburban tv addicted play station lives.

America is afraid of eduction…why?
Because any child who’s properly and fairly educated can see what we’ve done and rightfully throw it back in our faces.
As well i argue that any properly educated child or human in general for that matter can for themselves choose between right and wrong, good or bad, left or right, etc… more and more we don’t even give them that chance.

Its become easier to give them the play station, the tv remote, the anti deps, the suv, the CC, and send them away to college and blame them later for making our lives uncomfortable with their erratic behavior.

We should be ashamed. And if your not your lying to yourself.
The one stop cures we offer and support for the ills “we’ve created” are a joke, like these ad’s, pathetic, more of the same.

The same people who create these ad’s will be the ones who abuse these vulnerable naive little virgins later. Its exactly what they want…

There is only one solution, free and fair un-corporate sponsored, not for the rich only, unbiased public education for “all”.

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By michael krug, October 9, 2007 at 2:35 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

After centuries, when we’ve inflated the importance of the concept, or ‘myth’ of ‘romance’, almost beyond belief, we’re now doing the same with sex.

We seem to have become obsessed with ‘love ‘n’ sex’ so they fill our lives disproportionally. We need to take a deep breath and relax and get things in proportion. Love and Sex are important, but not that important. We need to ‘de-mythologize’ both of them. We need more honesty about relationships between the sexes and look at things openly and rationally. We’re letting are feelings get the better of us, and our emmotions are taking control over us. This can be very dangerous.

For example, men appear to increasingly allow their feelings to run riot, especially in relation to ‘Love’. This can have disasterous consequences.
Lovesick guys can hype themselves so much that they go crazy and armed with a gun blast their pain away! It’s almost as if plain, old-fashioned, ‘suicide’, isn’t enough of a ‘statement’ anymore, now one has to take a whole bunch of other people with one into oblivion! Where will it all end? This girl/boy, this town doesn’t understand me, so I’m gonna destroy it, get a grip!

What we need is more openess and honesty about ‘love’ and sex and relationships, bring the whole thing back down to earth, before the myth drags more people over the edge.

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By marti B, October 9, 2007 at 12:04 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Here’s the obvious problem I see that nobody is talking about.
The ad was paid for with TAXPAYER MONEY, wasn’t it?

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By Nimaeve, October 8, 2007 at 10:01 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Don’t want kids to have sex before marriage?  Don’t have kids then.  ::facetious mode off:::

This is so typical of the Bush administration.  No room for the truth anywhere.

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By Outraged, October 8, 2007 at 9:57 pm Link to this comment

RE: #105611 by samuel burke on 10/08

“whats wrong with some kids wanting to stay virginal until they marry?
why dont you all allow everyone to have their voices heard?”


Who said there was anything wrong with kids wanting to stay a virgin until they marry?  There isn’t a single instance of anyone saying that here.  My question is are you sure that’s “what the kids want”?  No one has said “all voices can’t be heard” but I don’t see ALL voices heard in this ad or any other for that matter.

It is foolish to make sex “wrong”.  It only exacerbates the inaccurate sexual information situation.(which I’m assuming is the point of the ad)  This ad has the underlying message that sex before marriage is a “problem” that should be talked about. The kids are rooting for mom and dad to talk to them about NOT having sex UNTIL MARRIAGE.  (C’mon Mom and Dad, were begging you..pleeaassee.) What a crock of crap!  Sure…kids are always doing that about sexual talks with their parents, right?  Really, these kids just “wish” their parents “cared” enough to have “that talk”.  The fictious moral majority devoid of reason, big fat liars are at it again.

So a married 18 yr. old is ready to have sex but an unmarried one isn’t?  How hokey is that?  How REALISTIC is that?  As if marriage miraculously qualifies an individual for saintly sex! 

“Success comes to kids who wait to have sex.”  HA!

I’d like to see their proof on this one. People who have sex before marriage are UNSUCCESSFUL? (with what? abstinence?) Since the implication has already been made that “the problem” is sex “before marriage”.  This comment is basically saying if you wait “until marriage” you’ll “be successful”.  Although one can only assume what they mean by “successful”.

I think we ought to get the names of EVERYONE involved with the production of this propaganda and investigate their TRUE sex life from the ages of 16-20, make a video about it and put it on youtube!

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By rage, October 8, 2007 at 9:21 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Kids, it’s dad and mom, in response to your silly PSA for abstinence.

Get real!

You’re not monks or nuns. Celibacy is a bit much. Whereas we’re not encouraging you to get buck wild, we’re not expecting you to be Quakers or Mennonites either, especially when we conceived you, too drunk to remember what a condom was, much less how to use it, in the handicap stall of the ladies’ room at the Club Crazy Disco. Be reasonable.

Any who, the following are a few words of loving parental advice.

Please, use a condom when you’re having sex. There are men and women condoms available in the back of our sock drawer, in case you run out. Tell us when you’ve run out, and we’ll gladly add condoms to the shopping list.

Remember, kids, you don’t get a gold star for dying a virgin. It’s either the iron hymen or a swollen pair of blue balls. Neither prize is much of a consolation, when you think about it.

Avoid bedmates with what appears to be anal cauliflower, deformed genitalia, running sores and the yucky such. That sort of thing is rarely good news.

Get tested regularly for everything. Nothing is worse than that hot, burning case of some flesh-eating plague that simulates the passage of molten lava into the boiling cauldron of the toilette bowl right before you’re pronounced dead on the bathroom floor each time you wee-wee.

Trust no one. Remember, birth control pills don’t prevent disease, and only impede a pregnancy when correctly taken.

Gay, you say? Fine. Mommy and Daddy are straight, but we love you, and want to love your partner too. Do your thing, but, remember, the same rules apply - see above!

No one wants to get an abortion, but if you want or need one, we’re here for you. Alert us during the first trimester of the pregnancy, and not during the kid’s first semester of kindergarten, thank you.

Don’t be a child predator. It’s risky enough that you’re out there doing it with kids your own age. The laws mandates that you’re under the legal age to even be having sex. So, please, don’t go out there, willy-nilly messing things up for all the kids in this hemisphere, dating some kid from the t-ball league. And, don’t go dating the teachers and the baby sitters. Please, stick to your own age demographic.

Please stay the hell away from Republicans on the Internet. I don’t want to see any texts from Mark54 summoning a congressional page. Ditto, digital invitations to Pastor Haggard’s study. We are progressive liberal Episcopalians, not right-winged Crystal Methodists.

Please, no means no. Never force yourself where you aren’t desired. And, don’t play too many games. Again, no means no!

Have fun, but be safe and careful. Most of all, be mindful and respectful of others. Be the great partner you want to attract. Sex was meant to be a pleasure to be shared. Enjoy sharing within reason, exercising restraint where needed.

Last but hardly least, never let anyone criminalize sexuality. You are human. Sex is as natural a function as breathing. You need sex as much as you need to breath.

Look, we want you to enjoy one of those pristine LMN yuppie-perfect existences too. It’s just that we haven’t matched all six numbers yet. That, and we couldn’t afford boxed wine and your scholarship fund too. Thus, you’re going to have to sell your bodies and your blood just for some loan officer to reject your financial aid application to go to college. You’ll probably have to work two jobs just to afford to attend two classes a term at the local commuter college while renting your bedroom. You’ll need the relief and comfort sex promises.

So, we say get on out there, and live. Remember, kids, hardship builds character. You’re on you way be becoming real characters, distinguished by an impressive sexual history!

Love, Mom and Dad

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By waxman, October 8, 2007 at 9:19 pm Link to this comment


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By Burk, October 8, 2007 at 8:30 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Looks like they should include a plug for masturbation as well- the only way to make abstinence work.

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By katomka, October 8, 2007 at 8:30 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

Abstinence works every time its tried. The sex crazed won’t tolerate that kind of diversity of opinion.

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By stephm2, October 8, 2007 at 7:21 pm Link to this comment

what were the latest abortion stats?

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By samuel burke, October 8, 2007 at 6:55 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

so i guess you all would be ectatic if they were doing adds for kids to have sex with dogs cats and pedophiles….that would suit your demented minds…whats wrong with some kids wanting to stay virginal until they marry?
why dont you all allow everyone to have their voices heard?

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By thomas billis, October 8, 2007 at 6:31 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

I say if you want to stop kids from having sex get them married at an early age.Most studies show that the greatest cause of erectile dysfunction in men is marriage.I say there is much to the old joke:How do you stop a woman from having sex.Marry her.

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