The Evolution of the Republican Presidential Contenders
.
“When the Truth came knocking”

The moderator says to the assembled Republican Presidential contenders, “This is an open question for the candidates.”

Evolution theory holds that man is a direct genetic descendant of hairy arm swinging, tree climbing African apes. The scientific process of carbon dating confirms the dates for such evolution and shows that man in this sense predates the Bible’s time line, so to speak, by hundreds of thousands of years at a bare minimum. What is your opinion on the validity of carbon dating?

Romney: People will say there was a time that I embraced carbon dating but in my maturing process I have opened my eyes to how destructive liberal ideation can be to man’s ascent. Junk science should not be employed to accelerate the decline of our moral virtues.

McCain: I am a firm believer that the age of the earth is a matter of state’s rights.

Thompson: The media’s obsession with my wife’s youth has reached a new low. They’re saying that she is in effect ‘carbon dating’ which I find offensive.

Brownie and Huckee (in unison): “Attacks on religious values are a staple of our opposition. Brothers and sisters, let us pray for God’s hand to smite the ballot boxes of the heathen.”

Giuliani: “Believing in evolution is weakness in the face of the enemy. It allows terrorist scum and their democratic party appeasers amongst us to encircle our homes and maim our children. Science in pursuit of planetary wide war is to be exalted but to use it to appease Islamofascist aggression is treason. I will only appoint judges that know the ramifications of using science in pursuit of weak kneed terrorist lovers.
Craig Johnson