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The Life of Caliph Washington

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A Piece of Cake

Posted on Mar 10, 2012
Mr. Fish

(Page 3)

“Maybe we should go through the Bible once to make sure we’re not breaking any rules,” he said, his unblinking eyes wide enough to be emitting a sound that I swore was just beyond my decibel range, something I imagined capable of driving termites out of wood or forcing entire fleets of corn crop to miscarry.

“Listen, the Bible isn’t going to tell us anything worthwhile,” I said. “There’s no scientific reasoning in there. I remember reading in Deuteronomy that a zebra was really just a gray pony that wasn’t vibrating fast enough to appear gray. It’s all crap.”

“You’re not thinking about the story of Lot’s wife?”

“No, don’t be silly!” I said.

“What if my brain can’t comprehend what I’m looking at inside that box?”

“Dude,” I said, “it’s a fucking cake! What are you, a C-cup? If there’s one thing that you comprehend a little too much, it’s cake.”

“You know what I’m talking about!”

“No,” I said, “I really don’t!”

“Aren’t you afraid that whatever is in that box could rob us of our innocence?”

“Our innocence?”


“How innocent are we?” I wanted to know.

“Pretty goddamn fucking innocent,” said Beats, mopping the sweat off his brow with the palm of his hand.

“How do you figure that?” I asked.

“Well,” he began, “we’ve never given birth or lived through a world war.”

“You call living through the last few years under the constant threat of a national metric conversion easy? You know how many nights I lay awake staring at the ceiling and trying to remember if kilograms is a measure for a liquid or a solid?”

“Well,” said Beats, rubbing the back of his neck, “we’ve never seen a baboon shoot a billiard ball out its ass before.”

“That’s your measure for lost innocence? Seeing a baboon shoot a billiard ball out its ass?”

“One of them, sure,” he said.

“Well,” I said, “we did see Nina Sussenberg pull down her pants and take a leak into her own rain hat.”

“What does one have to do with the other?” he asked.

“Are you kidding?” I said. “The only thing that separates Nina Sussenberg from a baboon is a prehensile tail!”

“What are you talking about? A baboon doesn’t have a tail.”

“That’s what I just said,” I said.

“Oh, right,” he said, sighing.

I sighed.

He sighed.

Somewhere in the distance a dog barked and then stopped. Beats sighed. Then I sighed. The afternoon breeze moved through the massive mushroom cloud of leaves above our treehouse, momentarily fooling us into believing that we were adrift on a limitless sea and that we were destined to never set foot on solid ground again.

“Do you think that maybe we should consider not opening the box?” Beats asked sheepishly, fingering a rotten tooth of dirty rubber at the back of his sneaker.

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By Shenonymous, March 14, 2012 at 9:19 am Link to this comment

Now that is a most insightful contemporary line if ever there was one,
“blindsided by a reality indifferent to truth.”  While there is some
curiosity about the nudity of girls (uh…women) before the age of 11,
actual assignation for both sexes starts about the age of 12, the
pre-ist pre of preteen years.  As a school teacher, I’ve watched this
ritual for many years, many years ago.  The pre-occupation of alleged
grown men with the reminiscence of adolescent sex seems to be the
reason why this world can’t get off its ass(es) collectively and
individually.  The anecdote about the blood is rich and ohhhhh soooo
truuuuue.  Shitfaced boys…and then as men.  The sex catechism
distributed to the 6th grade girls ruined everything…forever! 

NOTE:  For women there is always a sense of doom in the air!  As for
most, though some like myself whose wouldn’t even compete with a
coffee pot, their tits (oh, along with their ass… and mine too) are “the”
things found worthy of being counted a human being.  Yes it is the
Limbaugh syndrome that permeates the entire brain pool of the males
of the species.  Let’s face it, men are not born innocent!  The obsessive
little pricks.  Coming of age is so gawdawful, especially the coming.

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By heterochromatic, March 12, 2012 at 10:46 pm Link to this comment

told ya so! 

he writes better than he cartoons…....

and someday the Mr Fish will evolve to where he’ll have his own prehensile tail.

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By jimmmmmy, March 11, 2012 at 1:32 pm Link to this comment

a fun read thanx.

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By rumblingspire, March 10, 2012 at 6:16 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

that story was so sweet.  thanks.

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