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The Last Weiner

Posted on Jul 4, 2011
Flickr / madelineyoki (CC-BY-SA)

By Larry Beinhart

(Page 2)

Why We Have to Care

There’s a war in Afghanistan and one in Iraq,
but what’s important is who has crawled into whose sack.
In underground bunkers they’re building nukes in Iran
while American journalists connect the weiner to the man,
they trot out psychologists and experts to explain
why a man having sex can’t be considered quite sane,
that some strange aberration must have affected his brain
And he must check into rehab to abolish the stain.

This includes the presumption that it all runs one way
That no woman would ever want some man to stray.
No woman would stalk, seduce, entice and display
Flirt, flutter, vamp and sashay, until some poor dick comes out to play.
Women must be the victims because they are coming from Venus
while men are from Mars so it’s clearly the fault of the penis.

How should we get energy? Who can figure that out?
Climate change, global warming, what that’s really about?
That’s one of those issues that’s way too complex,
aren’t you glad we’re clear about who shouldn’t have sex.
Who can fix the economy, correct the financial mess?
It’s marital fidelity that predicts who will have success.
You wouldn’t let a plumber fix the pipes in your house
if you knew he had been with someone who wasn’t his spouse.
You wouldn’t let a mechanic change the brakes on your car
if you knew with some girl he’d gone a little too far.
You would never let a surgeon cut into your abdomen
Unless you were certain he was too pure to sin.

There Is a Solution

This needs to be solved, this needs a real fix.
We need a new combination, we need a new mix
to save the world from men getting their kicks,
and the news media full of nothing but pricks
To find a solution, one that really will work
we must go back to the way of the Ottoman Turk.
With a powerful empire, so rich, wide and vast,
they needed to invent a special political caste.
Call them castratos, you may call them eunuchs
Either way they were men without working dicks.

That’s what we must do with all our political men
Geld them, deball them, leave their crotches like Ken
When a politician takes his pants off, no one will yell
he’ll be nice, smooth and round, like a doll from Mattel.
This will in no way inhibit or limit our political classes
They will still be able to talk out of their asses.
We are already ruled by the confused and the witless
it can’t be any worse if they’re also made dickless.

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By TC, July 8, 2011 at 9:37 pm Link to this comment


Americum, Chinacum, Europecum, Indiacum, Russicum, Oceanicum, and Africum.
These were the seven Pricks who dominated the World. They liked to think of their global domain as Semenica or Spermicum. The most powerful of the seven Pricks sometimes picked on Russicum for having a small phallus. Not that Russicum lacked for nuclear gonads. All knew that at any given moment Russicum could pull off one of the most gigantic erections in the World, given its USSR-era arsenals.
In fact it was Africum and Oceanicum who lacked for nuclear Viagra. What these two impoverished pricks wanted by way of erectile potency, they made up for in sheer energy and mass. Though not yet able to ejaculate foes to death in nuclear fashion like the other global pricks, they could smother you with their enormous heft and breadth.
And so it was that Americum, Chinacum, Europecum, Indiacum, and Russicum strutted around cock first, five fearsome phalluses, while Oceanicum and Africum magnificently brought up the enormous rear. These were the seven Pricks who ruled the World, the P-7.
Chinacum carried the biggest cock of all. In fact Chinacum’s cock was so big that the old prick did not need to boast as much as the others. Everyone knew the thing was huge, could see it, smell it.
No cock no matter what size intimidated Americum, who could do more with his cock than all the cocks of all the other Pricks combined. And he did. Americum was constantly shooting off all over the place and bragging about it to no end.
Pathology, suggested some.
Youthful exuberance, proclaimed others.
Pure stupidity, a few ventured.
The glamour, the fame, the fortune, and the many objects of affection that came and carried on, swept up by Americum’s nonstop launching of militant sperm, his feverish energy and devotion to irrepressible ejaculations was The Fact of Nature at which all the pricks around the world nodded their heads and detonated the more.

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By Ghettogether, July 6, 2011 at 3:05 pm Link to this comment

They’re pumping Uranium
into your cranium
arsenic mercury and smashing small farms
fluoride tapwater and phonetapping crooks
got you so blind you can’t follow their hooks
dual citizenship for Chertoff, security racket
in a circle-jerk empire, of crooks master spies
and genetically engineered suicide genes
its probably a joke, a smokescreen for straights,
I smell switch-hitters covering tracks,
boys for their buns and girls for their racks
Wiener wants em all, his wife’s white house lawn
gets munched by a Hillarious media pawn.

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By Psychobabbler, July 6, 2011 at 12:05 pm Link to this comment

The politics of penis is really something. I can’t even urinate without making a mess lately. Superman never created so much controversy with his bulging spandex. Isn’t that something? It doesn’t take much to paralyze the population into submission. These guys might actually be on to something big. I’m starting to feel like I’ve got my own concealed weapon for freedom fighting. I would like to offer world leaders the opportunity to negotiate before I press the button to release my little boy.

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By Katie, July 5, 2011 at 4:35 pm Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

This is not witty, but alarming, it reflects a misogynist world.  As do many of the acts of continual harrassment of women that are being made into rhymes.  In one way it bowled me over, being so shocking when one looks at this history compressed, all at once like this.  And tip of the iceberg, since the majority of men’s sexual predatory behavior never reaches the light of day.

If anyone really cared the acts of violence against women worldwide would be seen as on par with the wars in the Middle East.  It would be #1 on our political agenda.  These wars are doubly hard on women who encounter rape and violence during wars, from their own male soldiers or from enemy male soldiers. Male behavior like you make light of is only seen as a distraction because men everywhere are violently raping women, like DSK where it’s being seen as a “guys will be guys” thing, wink, wink, go back to France and run for president, kind of thing.

So, what is the solution?  Castration?  One would hope it needn’t go that far.  How about 80% women and 20% men in Congress?  That might solve the problem.  And these women might be able to focus on world problems instead of obsessing about their particular sexual fetishes. Maybe then some of the major problems would be constructively addressed, and I’m guessing not until.

Honestly, very few women try to pick up other women in bathrooms, or text pictures of their genitals to scores of men who are much younger.  Very few women buy prostitutes.  Nor do they rape hotel maids and then get dubbed as just having too much libido.  It’s about male supremacy and harrassment of women, brutal violence against women, not about sex.  I’m sure that many women have affairs, and I believe some women do run off with soulmates, and possibly a few of these are politicians.  But they very rarely do the other things.  Those things are misogynist, woman-hating, harrassing and worse.  Let’s call it what it is, and it’s not sex.

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By Textynn, July 5, 2011 at 10:57 am Link to this comment
(Unregistered commenter)

We would need to bring back the guillotine to make our politicians dickless cause they are all dick heads.

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By johnnyfarout, July 4, 2011 at 9:15 pm Link to this comment

It’s so shameless, I’m breathless…so pithy.

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By TDoff, July 4, 2011 at 2:27 pm Link to this comment

OMG, this is really quite witty
To have so much truth
packed into one prickly ditty

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