INT. MR. FISH’S PARENTS’ DINING ROOM—NIGHT
MR. FISH, his MOM and his STEPDAD are having dinner together at the family table. It is 1980 and the house is completely surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of miles of New Jersey. There is silence except for the sound of clinking silverware while everyone eats. MR. FISH stops eating.
Mom, Dad, I think I might be gay.
Would you please pass the ketchup?
The ketchup, dear. He wants the ketchup.
He said that he thinks he might be gay!
Isn’t that what you said?!
Give me the ketchup first and I’ll tell you.
My hot dog’s getting cold.
You would know, wouldn’t you, you
goddamn fruit! If I see you touch that hot
dog again I’ll slap your face!
Mrs. Leviticus has a gay nephew named
Guy Saliva. She says that he’s so oversexed
that after he smokes a cigar he smokes a
How do you know that it’s being gay, son,
and not something like an iron deficiency?
I take a multivitamin.
Maybe there isn’t enough iron in it. Is it
shaped like a cartoon character?
Leave me alone!
Maybe you need less iron and a goddamn
kick in the head!
Mom, will you please pass me the ketchup?
When did all this gay nonsense first pop into
your pea brain, anyway?
When I was old enough to lick men’s
underwear ads into soggy holes in the Sears
Maybe you’re really a stamp collector.
If you don’t pass me the ketchup soon I’m
going to have to sit on my hot dog to keep it
You’d love that, wouldn’t you?
Pass me the goddamn ketchup!
Motherfucking, dear. Not
goddamn. Remember the lesson of
Jesus on the motherfucking cross.
I’m gay! Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay!