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Posted on Sep 8, 2012
Mr. Fish

By Mr. Fish

(Page 2)

Here’s how I imagined it going down:

INT.  MR. FISH’S PARENTS’ DINING ROOM—NIGHT

MR. FISH, his MOM and his STEPDAD are having dinner together at the family table. It is 1980 and the house is completely surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of miles of New Jersey. There is silence except for the sound of clinking silverware while everyone eats. MR. FISH stops eating.

FISH
Mom, Dad, I think I might be gay.
Would you please pass the ketchup?

STEPDAD
(shocked)
You what?!

MOM
The ketchup, dear. He wants the ketchup.

STEPDAD
He said that he thinks he might be gay!
Isn’t that what you said?!

FISH
Give me the ketchup first and I’ll tell you.
My hot dog’s getting cold.

STEPDAD
You would know, wouldn’t you, you
goddamn fruit! If I see you touch that hot
dog again I’ll slap your face!

MOM
Mrs. Leviticus has a gay nephew named
Guy Saliva. She says that he’s so oversexed
that after he smokes a cigar he smokes a
cigarette. 

STEPDAD
How do you know that it’s being gay, son,
and not something like an iron deficiency?

FISH
I take a multivitamin.

STEPDAD
Maybe there isn’t enough iron in it. Is it
shaped like a cartoon character?

FISH
Leave me alone!

STEPDAD
Maybe you need less iron and a goddamn
kick in the head!

FISH
Mom, will you please pass me the ketchup?

STEPDAD
When did all this gay nonsense first pop into
your pea brain, anyway?

FISH
When I was old enough to lick men’s
underwear ads into soggy holes in the Sears
catalog.

STEPDAD
Maybe you’re really a stamp collector.

FISH
If you don’t pass me the ketchup soon I’m
going to have to sit on my hot dog to keep it
warm.

STEPDAD
You’d love that, wouldn’t you?

FISH
Pass me the goddamn ketchup!

MOM
Motherfucking, dear. Not
goddamn. Remember the lesson of
Jesus on the motherfucking cross.

FISH
I’m gay! Gay gay gay gay gay gay gay!


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